Where I am Today in My Thinking

Woke up this morning just after 8am. Taken my shower and having some coffee. Called the bank to try and straighten my bank stuff out again since the $10 was rejected when the lady put it into my savings account she was glad I called she said and is working to fix it. She said something about it being rejected because it was done electronically. she is going to call me back and let me know what is up. I am supposed to be getting my social security direct deposit at idnight tonight into that account and I am worried that it is not going to happen and my check is going to be messed up for this month. I have already called social security and changed my direct deposit but it will not be in effect until my March check. I am hoping I do not lose the $200 that is due this month as I need it to accomplish living and surviving throughout the month. She is going to call me back she said.
Talked on the phone with my friend and plan on spending the weekend at her house visiting and helping out with her whch will help me feel good as I will be helping someone else.
I have an appointment with my worker this evening and we plan on going out to my friends brothers to discuss the possibility of my moving with him so I can be closer to my friend but so that we are not together 24/7 which can be overwhelming for me when I need my alone time to just be alone and working on my own issues in life. This move could be the move I need as it will do many things to improve my functioning and self esteem. Helping others helps me feel good. Being out in the wilderness also helps me function as it is not so full of choas in the world of the woods. There will be lots of things for me to do such as help with gardening and hopefully have my own garden area. I will also have some cleaning to do for these 2 people and help my friend get to her appointmentts and stay functioning in her own home. I will be able to fish in the pond there on the property which I do more for the relaxation aspect of it. I will be able to sit outside in the midst of nowhere and read. I will be able to experience the wild life and take pictures which gives me great pleasure to experience the stillness of wild life in the natural habitats they survive in. I hopefully will be of value to these 2 elderly people and it will give me a purpose and some meaning to live my life calm and peacefully. I will be away from the constant world of the internet and electronics which though is a coping skill for me it also has hindered my life. I have become reliant and overly use electronics to survive and function.
When I was going through some changes in my life last year I found comfort living in the midst of nowhere being able to explore the contentment of the environment and it brings me calmity and peacefulness inside. It was helpful when I was stressed and needed to get away from the choas in my mind and in life. I would take my phone with me and take pictures and hike around getting myself lost and then finding my way through the woods. I enjoyed tracking the animals and just sitting awaiting there crossing my path.
I find purpose in myself when helping others. I may not be able to hold a job but it feels good to help others when I can. Sometimes I feel I do not do enough or cannot help as much as I should because my emotions and motivation are out of sorts but just being amongst others helps me not to fall so much into the pits of depression and within my own mind and self destructive critisizing self.
I plan on going to the recovery center this afternoon and hopefully will see some old faces I have missed there. People who ispire me and are encouraging. They show me there is the possibility of improvement in life and it gives me hope. Their lives may not be perfect in their eyes or they may not be where they want to be but they inspire me knowing they have progressed and feel encouraged and that their is purpose in life.
I am not where I want to be in my life and with changes comes expectations of myself and others. Needing their support and encouragement. Just feeling as if I belong and make a difference in life for others, that I am unstood, loved, cared about, mean something, am accepted, and I can help is important for me. It is my purpose. It is what I feel is missing most of the time in my life. Also need to accept myself, care about me, love myself enough not to allow myself to be used, finding purpose in my life, feel I am a value rather than a hinderance to society all before I will be where I desire to be in my life. These things are of importance to me. I cannot change others or their reactions o changing me but I can change me and do all that I can that is best for me to feel I have a valuable role in society. Many changes to come and many happening. Life is forever changing and I must enjoy it as must as possible leaving nothing left unsaid or things not important to me I need to leave be. I need to work on letting go and forgiving. that will not mean I have to forget but that I cannot allow it to control me and where I want to go.


The Day is Coming To a Close

As my day winds down and the night came I feel focused. I have clarity in my mind and my thoughts. I had a productive day even though I hardly got anything done I had planned and wanted to. I still managed to have a nice relaxing productive day in my eyes.
I did some writing. I played some games both on the computer and on my android phone. I managed to cope with some difficult people and a distressing finding. Now to actually try to fix the issue with my check tomorrow will be the harsd part. I need to change my direct deposit over from a previously opened savings account to a checking account I have since the bank closed my savings account. It is distressing because my check is due to be direct deposited into that account come Friday the 1st of February and now I know it is going to be messed up and I will struggle until this issue is fixed including I may get my internet shut off as my supplemental check will only cover my rent and leaves $47 left. My internet is $83. It is worrisome but I am managing it and have been able not to obsess over it repeatedly today.
I have thought alot today about relationships and how we never kbow how long we have or others have to live and that we need to let people know we care as much as we can and whenever we have the chance to show them as we never know when we will no longer have them or they will no longer have us. I am working on forgiveness but I need to write a letter to my mother. I dont like things left unsaid as they are and have been. I also need to write to my children and my son. My youngest 2 childrens birthdayys are this coming month and one will be 8 and the other nine. Boy oh how time flies.
I want to go back to school and have wanted to for a while. i am working on ways to be able to do that. I am working on making a plan to pay off the college what I owe them and paying for my classes for one semester so I can get my financial aid back and follow through on my goals in my life.
I have to call and check on a new psychiatrist in the morning. I also have to call a therapist back that I may be able to start seeing. It has been 21 almost 22 months since I ended therapy with my previous therapist and my attempts to see another one since then have beeninterefered with by insurance and my personal beliefs conflicting with the therapists beliefs. This therapist is a male and I am scared but he has been highly recommened to me and I have been urged to see him for around 18 months now by several people including another of his clients. I just fear the fact he is a male. I do not trust well and especially males in the world. I have been hurt by many people and most of them were male. So I am taking a big step in my life and going to see how it goes.
I am going to get to bed on time tonight even though I have not got anything accomplished I needed to or would have liked. I may not have accomplished what I was supposed to today but I feel accomplished today because I am at peace with myself. i have an appointment with my medical doctor in the mid morning tomorrow and plan on going to a oeer support group in the afternoon tomorrow.