Today I had a productive day. i accomplished alot yet still have things leftover from the day I needed to do and lost track of time before I could do it.
I got up earlier than the alarm this morning. i took my shower, did the floors, ate my oatmeal with banana, and prepared myself for my day to come. My worker came and we went to the bank to get some information I needed along with speaking with the bank manager regarding my savings account closure and a direct deposit I get. After the bank we went to my doctors appointment, where I was able to have my stictches removed and speak with the doctor regarding some neurological issues I experienced last week which was an adverse reaction to some medication. i then got a neurology referal and a blood test to see if one of my immunizations serum is up to level to see if I need the immunization or not. i will here from the doctors office once a nuerology appointment has been setup for me.
I then got home, hade lunch which I prepared ahead of time, and went to the Center for Recovery and wellness, the local peer recovery center close by. there I attended the support group along with spoke with a couple peers and then came home.
once home I called social security to change my direct deposit but it wont go into effect until March 2013 check. But I got it done without being overwhelmed and effectively was able to communicate with people to get my goal accomplished this time. I was prepared before calling and patiently waited my turn for more than 45 minutes on hold while awaiting the agent on the phone. Then I spoke with the director at the agency where my mental health supports come from and talked with her about my concerns and my goals. I spoke with her about whats going on with me and inquired about the meeting I will be having with them all. She reminded me about needing to call the free clinic to speak with the person in charge of the program for getting glasses and an eye exam. Which when I was done with her I tried to call the lady but it was too late in the day and she had already left for the day. So I must call her tomorrow. i also plan on calling and trying to get an appointment with a therapist tomorrow for sometime in the coming few weeks. I plan on going to the NOURISH group at the peer center tomorrow and hopefully working on some sewing.
I ate my supper and talked on the phone with a friend for over an hour. I had homemade blackbean veggie burger pattie browned in olive oil with a diet gingerale. Then I sat down and did some stuff online and played some games. I tried to work on my treatment plan expansion but got discouraged and felt its overly general and unobtainable. I needed to discus this stuff with my worker but she was unavailable so I left a message. Upon my contemplation I become sorry for my complaining and negativity towards my workers hard work placed into setting my goals and for expressing my opinions to her on the voicemail. she did call me back but had not listened to it. Just saw I called and reurned the call. sometimes its as if she does not care about what i have to say or what i think. It is the way it is and thats that. I truly am being more open and vulnerable with her and other treatment providers. but it comes at a cost. there is a price but I also gain inner peace with some of my conformity. I am unsure wether to trust the difference in my own attitude and others attitude towards me. Others have become more open and cating but I find it difficult to trust the changes. I am not sure if its just there because of fear and will fade away along with everything else people in my say. But I am working on things and becoming a better person in my struggles at the moment. I am more aware and less stressed. i am functioning and coping effectively with my life and the hassles life give me. i am embracing them rather than dreading and hiding from them.
Today I woke up refreshed and motivated. Sitting here eating my breakfast before finishing my floors. eating my oatmeal cooked with pumpkin spice international delight creamer and 3/4 a banana mixed in. It is really good and healthy for me. I choose to make decisions on what I eat mostly counsciously for my health rather than out of desire. I sometimes slip away from this but for the most part I stick to it. My downfall is not actually that i eat too much or I choose the wrong foods, it is that I skip many meals. Sometimes I even skip eating the whole day, which is the unhealthy aspects of my eating habits not the choices I make or the amounts I eat.
I went to bed thinking about motives, both my motives in my actions and other peoples motives which effect my life. i come and have understand that when you give of yourself freely you desire nothing in return and do it out of love and care for others. You do not do something to gain something for yourself. Though sometimes in doing or giving we do gain more peace, contentment, and joy within ourselves. This is what I gain from doing for others most of the time. though there are times when I am naive and allow myself to be used out of desire for them to love me, accept me, care about me, and understand me. In these times I am aware most of the time after that I have or in the midst of it I realize I am being used and feel violated. It makes me hurt. It causes me to feel worse about myself when others use me for what i can provide them, whether it be a service, time, or an object its all the same to me. It is an act in which i am disrespected and taken advantage of out of their own selfishness. These people are not truly caring, loving, understanding, or joyful. They tend to be negative for the most part on my life. they may have objects but they do not have the inner peace and love I seek inside of me.
These people tend to not live their own lives but instead know all about everyone elses lives and what the other people around them are doing not good. they somehow do not see that it does not matter what others are doing with their lives around them. they do not see that they hurt others. They tend to be in denial about their own behaviors and unaware of the effects their behavior has on others. sometimes these people are lonely and so they become selfish desiring to control others around them. they degrade people either to their face or behind their back. these people will do anything to prevent others from leaving them or cannot except the other persons needs. they care only of themselves and refuse to see that their pretend care and using others is not going to get them what they need, want, or where they want to go. They will do whatever it takes to hurt others by destroying the other peoples ways to goals. they will place roadblocks down with the belief the people will need them and have no other options. Instead they push people away by their behaviors and then talk crap behind the other peoples back claiming victim. they are not victims but instead survivors. they have survived and learned this is how they can do it.
It hurts me that I have allowed these people to effect my life negatively at times. It is a realization of mine that i must stand up for myself and not allow anyone to wreck my dreams. I will go somewhere in life. mayeb not where I want or expect. Maybe not as quick as I desire. maybe not even to the satisfactory of others, society, or myself. But i will continue to survive and I wwill go somewhere in life with or with out others in my life. If I must cut all negatives out of my life then that is what i will do including people who talk behind peoples backs, people who degrade others ways or disabilities, people who are selfish, people who are materialistic, people who believe money creates happiness, people who are in denial, people who are judgmental and controlling. If it comes to this I will remove the negatives including people from my life and move on with my own. I can not care about someone who tries their best to use me and others around them inorder to gain in their own lives. This is harmful to me. I may have to leave friends behind, some family memebers, and even some aquaintances. But I will be okay. I will be more than ok, I will be great! I will be a survivor and not allow myself a victim. No one is my controller, no one has power over me, and no one will be using me anymore. I am going to live for me. i am going to give as much as I can. i do not expect nothing from anyone when I give to them. I do it out of desire and so from this point on i will be giving and understanding more than I have been in the past but I will not allow myself to be that victim I once was and others see me as. i will not allow others to exploit my past weaknesses.