No longer I will let myself be used, I am not a victim I am a Survivor

Today I woke up refreshed and motivated. Sitting here eating my breakfast before finishing my floors. eating my oatmeal cooked with pumpkin spice international delight creamer and 3/4 a banana mixed in. It is really good and healthy for me. I choose to make decisions on what I eat mostly counsciously for my health rather than out of desire. I sometimes slip away from this but for the most part I stick to it. My downfall is not actually that i eat too much or I choose the wrong foods, it is that I skip many meals. Sometimes I even skip eating the whole day, which is the unhealthy aspects of my eating habits not the choices I make or the amounts I eat.
I went to bed thinking about motives, both my motives in my actions and other peoples motives which effect my life. i come and have understand that when you give of yourself freely you desire nothing in return and do it out of love and care for others. You do not do something to gain something for yourself. Though sometimes in doing or giving we do gain more peace, contentment, and joy within ourselves. This is what I gain from doing for others most of the time. though there are times when I am naive and allow myself to be used out of desire for them to love me, accept me, care about me, and understand me. In these times I am aware most of the time after that I have or in the midst of it I realize I am being used and feel violated. It makes me hurt. It causes me to feel worse about myself when others use me for what i can provide them, whether it be a service, time, or an object its all the same to me. It is an act in which i am disrespected and taken advantage of out of their own selfishness. These people are not truly caring, loving, understanding, or joyful. They tend to be negative for the most part on my life. they may have objects but they do not have the inner peace and love I seek inside of me.
These people tend to not live their own lives but instead know all about everyone elses lives and what the other people around them are doing not good. they somehow do not see that it does not matter what others are doing with their lives around them. they do not see that they hurt others. They tend to be in denial about their own behaviors and unaware of the effects their behavior has on others. sometimes these people are lonely and so they become selfish desiring to control others around them. they degrade people either to their face or behind their back. these people will do anything to prevent others from leaving them or cannot except the other persons needs. they care only of themselves and refuse to see that their pretend care and using others is not going to get them what they need, want, or where they want to go. They will do whatever it takes to hurt others by destroying the other peoples ways to goals. they will place roadblocks down with the belief the people will need them and have no other options. Instead they push people away by their behaviors and then talk crap behind the other peoples back claiming victim. they are not victims but instead survivors. they have survived and learned this is how they can do it.
It hurts me that I have allowed these people to effect my life negatively at times. It is a realization of mine that i must stand up for myself and not allow anyone to wreck my dreams. I will go somewhere in life. mayeb not where I want or expect. Maybe not as quick as I desire. maybe not even to the satisfactory of others, society, or myself. But i will continue to survive and I wwill go somewhere in life with or with out others in my life. If I must cut all negatives out of my life then that is what i will do including people who talk behind peoples backs, people who degrade others ways or disabilities, people who are selfish, people who are materialistic, people who believe money creates happiness, people who are in denial, people who are judgmental and controlling. If it comes to this I will remove the negatives including people from my life and move on with my own. I can not care about someone who tries their best to use me and others around them inorder to gain in their own lives. This is harmful to me. I may have to leave friends behind, some family memebers, and even some aquaintances. But I will be okay. I will be more than ok, I will be great! I will be a survivor and not allow myself a victim. No one is my controller, no one has power over me, and no one will be using me anymore. I am going to live for me. i am going to give as much as I can. i do not expect nothing from anyone when I give to them. I do it out of desire and so from this point on i will be giving and understanding more than I have been in the past but I will not allow myself to be that victim I once was and others see me as. i will not allow others to exploit my past weaknesses.

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The Day is Coming To a Close

As my day winds down and the night came I feel focused. I have clarity in my mind and my thoughts. I had a productive day even though I hardly got anything done I had planned and wanted to. I still managed to have a nice relaxing productive day in my eyes.
I did some writing. I played some games both on the computer and on my android phone. I managed to cope with some difficult people and a distressing finding. Now to actually try to fix the issue with my check tomorrow will be the harsd part. I need to change my direct deposit over from a previously opened savings account to a checking account I have since the bank closed my savings account. It is distressing because my check is due to be direct deposited into that account come Friday the 1st of February and now I know it is going to be messed up and I will struggle until this issue is fixed including I may get my internet shut off as my supplemental check will only cover my rent and leaves $47 left. My internet is $83. It is worrisome but I am managing it and have been able not to obsess over it repeatedly today.
I have thought alot today about relationships and how we never kbow how long we have or others have to live and that we need to let people know we care as much as we can and whenever we have the chance to show them as we never know when we will no longer have them or they will no longer have us. I am working on forgiveness but I need to write a letter to my mother. I dont like things left unsaid as they are and have been. I also need to write to my children and my son. My youngest 2 childrens birthdayys are this coming month and one will be 8 and the other nine. Boy oh how time flies.
I want to go back to school and have wanted to for a while. i am working on ways to be able to do that. I am working on making a plan to pay off the college what I owe them and paying for my classes for one semester so I can get my financial aid back and follow through on my goals in my life.
I have to call and check on a new psychiatrist in the morning. I also have to call a therapist back that I may be able to start seeing. It has been 21 almost 22 months since I ended therapy with my previous therapist and my attempts to see another one since then have beeninterefered with by insurance and my personal beliefs conflicting with the therapists beliefs. This therapist is a male and I am scared but he has been highly recommened to me and I have been urged to see him for around 18 months now by several people including another of his clients. I just fear the fact he is a male. I do not trust well and especially males in the world. I have been hurt by many people and most of them were male. So I am taking a big step in my life and going to see how it goes.
I am going to get to bed on time tonight even though I have not got anything accomplished I needed to or would have liked. I may not have accomplished what I was supposed to today but I feel accomplished today because I am at peace with myself. i have an appointment with my medical doctor in the mid morning tomorrow and plan on going to a oeer support group in the afternoon tomorrow.

I Am A Work In Progress and I Am Learning

I may notWhat is best for others is not always best for us. We must take care of ourselves and protect ourselves before we are able to fully take care of others. The best for us sometimes does not meet the worlds standards or demands but we must not fall into the trap of pleasing others as it only creates pain. With all this said it does not mean to be selfish, unaccepting of others or their choices, judgemental, unkind, or hateful. It simply means we must be accepting of others and their choices for themselves, be non-judgmental, understanding, caring, kind, and giving. I freely give as I am capable. I will go without for others. But I am learning a balance of caring for and about myself and caring for others needs to be a balance. Not just caring for and about others without caring about myself. I am learning to stand up for ME, MY LIFE, and MY NEEDS. I am learning that loving someone does not mean allowing them to hurt you by using, manipulating, judging, gossiping, or being selfish. I am learning that I MATTER and DESERVE BETTER than all that that I have let happen in my life. I allowed others opinions and judgements control me. No longer is anyone in control of me, my life, my body, or my decisions.

Virginia Emergency Custody Order Law, How I feel I was falsely detained and held under false pretenses last week.

Last week after injuring myself self inflicted on wednesday evening I fell asleep due to this type of coping mechanisms natural release of opiate like endorphins in the brain it calms and relaxes me. Though when severe enough i do not just relax i fall asleep. I woke up 6 hours later in the middle of the night and bandaged myself knowing that most of the time the emergency room will not stitch anything after 6 hours. It had been just over that when I awoke. So I saw no sense in wasting the time to walk there or the resources of emergency medical services to get there when in fact it was not an emergency since past experiences have been that they could not stitch the wound. I called my mental health support service worker in the morning and they urged me to seek treatment at the emergency room anyways and I told them I would. I changed my clothes to ready myself to leave and made another phone call to speak with the director of the mental health services agency where my services were just to reassure them I was okay and I was heading there. While on the phone with her there was a knock at the door and I answered while still on the phone. It was the police here to do a well check. I explained to them I was getting ready to head to the emergency room and I was going to be walking there. I was okay and yes I was going. The officers had with them a medic team and offered me the ride there. I asked if I was under an emergency custody order or a temporary detention order and they said no. I rode to the emergency room with the understanding I was going there for medical treatment and that I was clearly at that point over my crisis and no longer at risk but that I just was going to be sure all was okay with the wound and they could not do anything for it.

Once there after already being searched by the police at my home before entering the ambulance I was then harrassed by a male nurse who said I needed to be searched by security and change into a hospital gown. I said they were not searching me I had already been searched. Now there is 2 bigger security guard men and a male nurse demanding I be searched as I say I refuse and they harrass me claiming policy and all this. I state I am there for medical treatment not mental health. Then then say I will be seeing mental health and must be searched I asked them to back up because they were right up in my space and I felt they were intruding into my personal bounderies. they continued to violate myspace and insist I would have to see mental health. I finally stated I would see mental health and then would leave and not get medical treatment since I was being treated this way. Which a security man then said I was on an eco. I had not been on one nor was I told before this point. at this point i said I was not on an eco and I was leaving. He grabbed my arm and said I was not going anywhere that i am on a verbal emergency custody order (eco). I said there was no such thing. and they refused to let me leave. two security guards stayed there for quite awhile as a intimidating tactic before one finally left and the other sat in a chair. Meanwhile the eco was never obtained until 11:20am. I got to the hospital between 9:30-9:50am some time. I feel I was violated and this law was wrongly used to intimidate and falsely gain an order against me much later under the pretense of my symptoms of my ptsd having to deal with controlling intimidating men with the abuse of their power. The used my reaction to their intimadation to obtain the real order and held me until they could get enough of it to get an order against me. They repeatedly caused me to experience the fear and put up my natural defense to protect myself by refusing to be searched by more men after already being searched by 2 men. This was undue search and caused my ptsd symptoms to manifest and defend myself by creating the fear we all naturally are given for a reason but mine and many others with a background of abuse have a more easily brought out fear that makes me automatically defend myself.

The following is the law in Virginia:

§ 37.2-808. Emergency custody; issuance and execution of order.

A. Any magistrate shall issue, upon the sworn petition of any responsible person, treating physician, or upon his own motion, an emergency custody order when he has probable cause to believe that any person (i) has a mental illness and that there exists a substantial likelihood that, as a result of mental illness, the person will, in the near future, (a) cause serious physical harm to himself or others as evidenced by recent behavior causing, attempting, or threatening harm and other relevant information, if any, or (b) suffer serious harm due to his lack of capacity to protect himself from harm or to provide for his basic human needs, (ii) is in need of hospitalization or treatment, and (iii) is unwilling to volunteer or incapable of volunteering for hospitalization or treatment. Any emergency custody order entered pursuant to this section shall provide for the disclosure of medical records pursuant to § 37.2-804.2. This subsection shall not preclude any other disclosures as required or permitted by law.

When considering whether there is probable cause to issue an emergency custody order, the magistrate may, in addition to the petition, consider (1) the recommendations of any treating or examining physician or psychologist licensed in Virginia, if available, (2) any past actions of the person, (3) any past mental health treatment of the person, (4) any relevant hearsay evidence, (5) any medical records available, (6) any affidavits submitted, if the witness is unavailable and it so states in the affidavit, and (7) any other information available that the magistrate considers relevant to the determination of whether probable cause exists to issue an emergency custody order.

B. Any person for whom an emergency custody order is issued shall be taken into custody and transported to a convenient location to be evaluated to determine whether the person meets the criteria for temporary detention pursuant to § 37.2-809 and to assess the need for hospitalization or treatment. The evaluation shall be made by a person designated by the community services board who is skilled in the diagnosis and treatment of mental illness and who has completed a certification program approved by the Department.

C. The magistrate issuing an emergency custody order shall specify the primary law-enforcement agency and jurisdiction to execute the emergency custody order and provide transportation. However, in cases in which the emergency custody order is based upon a finding that the person who is the subject of the order has a mental illness and that there exists a substantial likelihood that, as a result of mental illness, the person will, in the near future, suffer serious harm due to his lack of capacity to protect himself from harm or to provide for his basic human needs, the magistrate may authorize transportation by an alternative transportation provider, including a family member or friend of the person who is the subject of the order, a representative of the community services board, or other transportation provider with personnel trained to provide transportation in a safe manner, upon determining, following consideration of information provided by the petitioner; the community services board or its designee; the local law-enforcement agency, if any; the person’s treating physician, if any; or other persons who are available and have knowledge of the person, and, when the magistrate deems appropriate, the proposed alternative transportation provider, either in person or via two-way electronic video and audio or telephone communication system, that the proposed alternative transportation provider is available to provide transportation, willing to provide transportation, and able to provide transportation in a safe manner. When transportation is ordered to be provided by an alternative transportation provider, the magistrate shall order the specified primary law-enforcement agency to execute the order, to take the person into custody, and to transfer custody of the person to the alternative transportation provider identified in the order. In such cases, a copy of the emergency custody order shall accompany the person being transported pursuant to this section at all times and shall be delivered by the alternative transportation provider to the community services board or its designee responsible for conducting the evaluation. The community services board or its designee conducting the evaluation shall return a copy of the emergency custody order to the court designated by the magistrate as soon as is practicable. Delivery of an order to a law-enforcement officer or alternative transportation provider and return of an order to the court may be accomplished electronically or by facsimile.

Transportation under this section shall include transportation to a medical facility as may be necessary to obtain emergency medical evaluation or treatment that shall be conducted immediately in accordance with state and federal law. Transportation under this section shall include transportation to a medical facility for a medical evaluation if a physician at the hospital in which the person subject to the emergency custody order may be detained requires a medical evaluation prior to admission.

D. In specifying the primary law-enforcement agency and jurisdiction for purposes of this section, the magistrate shall order the primary law-enforcement agency from the jurisdiction served by the community services board that designated the person to perform the evaluation required in subsection B to execute the order and, in cases in which transportation is ordered to be provided by the primary law-enforcement agency, provide transportation. If the community services board serves more than one jurisdiction, the magistrate shall designate the primary law-enforcement agency from the particular jurisdiction within the community services board’s service area where the person who is the subject of the emergency custody order was taken into custody or, if the person has not yet been taken into custody, the primary law-enforcement agency from the jurisdiction where the person is presently located to execute the order and provide transportation.

E. The law-enforcement agency or alternative transportation provider providing transportation pursuant to this section may transfer custody of the person to the facility or location to which the person is transported for the evaluation required in subsection B, G, or H if the facility or location (i) is licensed to provide the level of security necessary to protect both the person and others from harm, (ii) is actually capable of providing the level of security necessary to protect the person and others from harm, and (iii) in cases in which transportation is provided by a law-enforcement agency, has entered into an agreement or memorandum of understanding with the law-enforcement agency setting forth the terms and conditions under which it will accept a transfer of custody, provided, however, that the facility or location may not require the law-enforcement agency to pay any fees or costs for the transfer of custody.

F. A law-enforcement officer may lawfully go or be sent beyond the territorial limits of the county, city, or town in which he serves to any point in the Commonwealth for the purpose of executing an emergency custody order pursuant to this section.

G. A law-enforcement officer who, based upon his observation or the reliable reports of others, has probable cause to believe that a person meets the criteria for emergency custody as stated in this section may take that person into custody and transport that person to an appropriate location to assess the need for hospitalization or treatment without prior authorization. A law-enforcement officer who takes a person into custody pursuant to this subsection or subsection H may lawfully go or be sent beyond the territorial limits of the county, city, or town in which he serves to any point in the Commonwealth for the purpose of obtaining the assessment. Such evaluation shall be conducted immediately. The period of custody shall not exceed four hours from the time the law-enforcement officer takes the person into custody. However, upon a finding by a magistrate that good cause exists to grant an extension, the magistrate shall issue an order extending the period of emergency custody one time for an additional period not to exceed two hours. Good cause for an extension includes the need for additional time to allow (i) the community services board to identify a suitable facility in which the person can be temporarily detained pursuant to § 37.2-809 or (ii) a medical evaluation of the person to be completed if necessary.

H. A law-enforcement officer who is transporting a person who has voluntarily consented to be transported to a facility for the purpose of assessment or evaluation and who is beyond the territorial limits of the county, city, or town in which he serves may take such person into custody and transport him to an appropriate location to assess the need for hospitalization or treatment without prior authorization when the law-enforcement officer determines (i) that the person has revoked consent to be transported to a facility for the purpose of assessment or evaluation, and (ii) based upon his observations, that probable cause exists to believe that the person meets the criteria for emergency custody as stated in this section. The period of custody shall not exceed four hours from the time the law-enforcement officer takes the person into custody. However, upon a finding by a magistrate that good cause exists to grant an extension, the magistrate shall issue an order extending the period of emergency custody one time for an additional period not to exceed two hours. Good cause for an extension includes the need for additional time to allow (a) the community services board to identify a suitable facility in which the person can be temporarily detained pursuant to § 37.2-809, or (b) a medical evaluation of the person to be completed if necessary.

I. Nothing herein shall preclude a law-enforcement officer or alternative transportation provider from obtaining emergency medical treatment or further medical evaluation at any time for a person in his custody as provided in this section.

J. The person shall remain in custody until a temporary detention order is issued, until the person is released, or until the emergency custody order expires. An emergency custody order shall be valid for a period not to exceed four hours from the time of execution. However, upon a finding by a magistrate that good cause exists to grant an extension, the magistrate shall extend the emergency custody order one time for a second period not to exceed two hours. Good cause for an extension includes the need for additional time to allow (i) the community services board to identify a suitable facility in which the person can be temporarily detained pursuant to § 37.2-809 or (ii) a medical evaluation of the person to be completed if necessary. Any family member, as defined in § 37.2-100, employee or designee of the local community services board as defined in § 37.2-809, treating physician, or law-enforcement officer may request the two-hour extension.

K. If an emergency custody order is not executed within six hours of its issuance, the order shall be void and shall be returned unexecuted to the office of the clerk of the issuing court or, if such office is not open, to any magistrate serving the jurisdiction of the issuing court.

L. Payments shall be made pursuant to § 37.2-804 to licensed health care providers for medical screening and assessment services provided to persons with mental illnesses while in emergency custody.

(1995, c. 844, § 37.1-67.01; 1996, c. 893; 1998, c. 611; 2004, c. 737; 2005, c. 716; 2007, c. 7; 2008, cc. 202, 551, 691, 775, 779, 782, 784, 793, 850, 870; 2009, cc. 21, 112, 383, 455, 555, 607, 697, 838; 2010, cc. 778, 825; 2011, c. 249.)

Saphis adverse reaction or increase in Wellbutrin too soon?

Had to go to the emergency room for several hours. now must list Saphis as an allergy though it is really considered an adverse reaction since it is just some of the major rare side effects that could of possibly occur from that medication. Though I am also concerned about the Wellbutrin being dosed the way it was as they started me on 150mg on Friday of Wellbutrin Sr. Then on Monday they upped it to 150 Wellbutrin Sr 2 times a day and started me on the 300mg of Wellbutrin XL on Tuesday. I managed and was fine with it being gradually increased to the therapeutic recommended dose on the Wellbutrin Sr at 300 mg a day until I took myself off back in November due to its side effect of creating a lessened threshold of anxiety within me and it manifesting outwardly as agitation and anger. I did not like me or the way I was but I liked how it helped me not be so in the depths of depression where I wanted to die. It gave me hope but yet took that away with every break in my ability to manage my own emotional response well enough to attend to my important relationships in my life,. This is also a side effect that others talk about and can come from the Wellbutrin. So my question really becomes is was it truly the newer med that I had never been on before Friday or was it the fact that they increased the dose to therapeutic level too quickly and my system cannot handle. Cause I was doing good and had felt motivated and clear on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Then Monday the Wellbutrin Sr was raised from the 150mg to 300mg total. Yet, that’s when things started unraveling. I am so unsure and yet so believe it may be the dose increase so quickly rather than the newer medication though much of my symptoms also are listed as stop taking and call doctor immediately. It may also be the combination of these 2 drugs together or it may be that my system can handle each separately at lower doses but not at therapeutic doses. I don’t know.

My Negative Experiece at Hospital

Started Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Will write when anxiety is down about my experience of my we visit the crisis worker not kno having knowledge about psychiatric advanced directives nor the we staff ever hearing of them and the refusal to have this implemented. Then will write about my admission by temporary detention order and the experience of doctors miscommunicating or not following through with what they say and also doing what they wish outside their expertise without even advising me or consulting me. But for now the regimen of medications have me unable to function and yet I was atleast functioning upon entrance to the emergency department. I just had coping skills that are dangerous at times and I take them further then I can control anymore because of my ability to dissociated from that.

Updated saturday, January 26, 2013

My negative experience began at the emergency room in my town. I was searched before getting there by 2 male police officers in the company of the ems personall who drove me there. Then searched again by 2 more male security officers at the hospital even though I refused citing I had already been searched by police officers and that I had nothing. They went through my wallet, tried to make me change into a hospital gown, and held me against my will at the hospital emergency room. I went there willingly for medical treatment. I then decided not to get the medical treatment since I was being treated as if I was a detainee. I agreed to meet with mental health after they refused for me to leave and even grabbed my arm when I said I was leaving and tried to walk out of the hospital room since I was being treated as if I was there against my will. They lied to me citing I was on an ECO which they did not obtain until almost 2 hours later. I told them I had a psychiatric advanced directive and that if they were treating me for mental health then I was not getting treatment there per my PAD. They threatened me with forcfully holding me down and even chemically restraining me if I would not give them bloodwork. Throughout this experience I felt I had no say or rights to my own physical body or my own mental health. They used intimadation tactics such as there size, threats of restraint, and involuntary commitment to get what they wanted from me. I felt violated at that time and still feel violated. I feel I have no rights to my own body even with the PAD. My psychiatric advanced directive was refused acknowledgement. I was told they knew of no such thing. Both the security officers and doctors had no idea about them even making a statement they were not legal if not notorized by a notory of the public. In The Commonwealth of Virginia where I live it is not required to have a PAD notorized but only to be witnessed by 2 adults witnessing your signing of the document to make it valid and legal. The crisis evaluator from the mental health center here who evaluated me as he was the person on call did not even have an awareness of such a document. I was then sent to there psychiatric unit per temporary detention order which was against my PAD as I have in my PAD that I am not to received psychiatric care through their hospital but to receive it in one of the other hospitals within about an hour distance from my hometown due to past experiences on their psychiatric unit and a statement from their medical director that they did not feel they could properly treat me in their facility. But yet another doctor received the call about me and accepted my admission anyways. I was refused my PAD implimentation.

On their Psychiatric unit was another negative experience at points. For the most part there were some good points to it such as the most of the other patients, the groups, most of the nurses, most of the mental health techs, and some of the clinical counselors. My experience with the docoter was good in person though I felt he was careless in his choices and follow through on communication with me about my treatment. I also feel there was no follow through on a medical doctor referel that was put in on saturday and never executed. This also occured with another patient on the unit who was refered by their psychiatric doctor to see the medical doctor on the same day. We both had 2 different psychiatric physcians. He was careless in his deciding to double my Wellbutrin that I had started on a friday on Monday. I had 3 doses at 150mg and then was upped to 300mg. Very careless I believe in his decision.