new ideas and desires, new goals

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ok so I have some new things I am looking at and think I want to work on in my life. One of which is my lack of being able to communicate face to face with verbal words with others. It is even hard with the person in my life that I trust the most and she is the person in my life who has never hurt me purposely nor tried to harm me in anyway and cares a whole lot about me I think. It still interferes greatly in my communication and emotional responses to things she says or the thinking process of my life. And so I have decided this is something I really want to work on and address with her. But after doing it in my relationship with her and being able to effectively verbally communicate with her I want to be able to verbally communicate effectively with others in my life and then take it a step further and verbally communicate with everyone.

Then there is the goal that I have decided to work on the building of my life story and work through and process my memories of my childhood and my life leading up till now that has left me to who I am now. I have decided to do this by processing it with pictures, writing, and talking through it. I need to go through the emotions, the thoughts, the experiences that I have avoided feeling, the grief and pain of the losses, the shame, the sadness, along with some of the joys that I did not experience back when i should have. i have decided that I need to be bale to do this at my pace but also with the help from someone else with the urge to move through it instead of avoiding it and running from it when it gets too much for me as I have done in the past. I want to work through it and get through the tunnel of darkness and find the light at the end. I want to experience what others claim I can someday find. i want to someday have the hope that is buried inside me that at times I see glimpses of and it disappears faster than it came and I sometimes believe it was never there. I want to take responsibility for my part of my life where i am responsible for and leave blame and responsibility on the people who are to blame and who were responsible for their parts on them but yet it is hard when the responsibility feels as if most of it was mine and so this is something I really want to work on and adjust in my mind and determine and decide who is responsible and why or why not I am responsible as others claim some of it I am not responsible for but i believe I am and so I feel conflicted. Then there is also my own childrens neglect and the abuse they experienced that I want to work on and work through. I want to trust enough to let my guard down and allow someone to help me through this without doibng what I do best and running and using techniques such as getting angry with that person, finding ways to sabotage the relationship, trying to force them into to leaving, trying to find away into needing to be put away, sabotaging my life, becoming too emotionally unstable and suicidal by triggering anxiety, getting involved in other people’s chaos life issues drugs self-injury or anything to help me avoid facing and dealing with what I truly need to and at this time want to work on. And so as I sit here and write this knowing that though I will at some point battle and fight this I know it is what is needed and what is in the long run best. I know it is what is needed for me to become who ultimately I desire to become. I know it is the way I am going to find the light and the hope i need in life otherwise I may end up dead. And so I need to start working on this stuff. I am taking a stance as I have begun this journey though scary I have started. I took pictures of some of the places I have lived and some of the places where some abuse started, took place, where I whored around as a 12-year-old, where I lived with my kids, the house my husband and i lived when each of our children were born, and some other places that i cannot remember at this moment but some significant places and I plan on making posts on a different blog with each of the pictures and the memories that go along with these pictures. I plan on shedding many tears and coming through this stronger and hopefully more hopeful and with much more purpose in life.

I do not write any of this for anyone else except for myself. I write this with hopes that someday i can look back at it and say WOW I have come so far but if someone reads it and they say WOW I feel that way i am not alone I understand that I am glad there is someone else out there that understands how I feel I though I was alone… I too am glad. As so many times when I think to myself there is no one else who could possible understand and that no one else feels the way I feel, and no one else has ever experienced any pain like I have or that I am so different and so unique I get online and find others like myself, suffering in silence, suffering and alone feeling as if they will never be understood, and never get anywhere, never have meaning or purpose in life, there is no reason to keep going, and why should I keep going on. Why am I breathing. So If someday someone like myself reads my blog even if it is only one person and it helps them feel not so alone and know they are not alone in their feelings of hopelessness, shame, and pain then I guess it was not a waste of time. But in the end none of this is truly a waste of time to begin with because when i someday look back at all this that I have written. I will have a map of how long my journey was and how far I came on this journey and not everyone has that. Not everyone has a record of their life as I will have and not everyone wants one. Maybe then I wont want it or I wont need it and I will erase it of delete it. But for now I believe it is important to my future and so I write it and I keep it.

Another thing I have decided to do is to try to make an effort to say what I mean instead of using wording as a means of verbally escaping my emotions. For example I have been going through alot of emotional distress lately with witnessing some things I would have prefered not seeing and then feeling as if nothing was done about it and then becoming angry about it with someone else. Then my worker leaves on vacation and she leaves me when I am angry with her. Then I leave on vacation in an angry state but not really wanting to go just going to satisfy my family and to do what I am supposed to do to be normal i guess you can say. But yet I still am feeling angry inside me and I am trying to just stay numbed emotionally and pretend life is good and just avoid feeling much. Then the first day we get up north my son starts his shit and pulls a power struggle over a situation that is somewhat similar to and triggering back to somewhat of what was enraging me in my home state where I was on vacation from. And so he threatens to leave me and then has my mom pick him up and asserts the fact he has control over me not me having control over him. And so I felt as if I just wanted to come home and do not even want him to come home with me. He created more rage and anger inside me. That is still there but yet I have had to just leave it there for now and it is stuck there not really sure where to put it what to do with it or how to handle it. then my siblings my brother and sister are dealing with their own issues surrounding neglectfulness and abusiveness of their children that causes me anger/rage and alot of jealousy to be honest that I do not have my children but yet these people have their children. it does not seem fair and sometimes make me want to blow the world up if possible but I know it is not and that my kids are in the world and do nto want to hurt them. then I get a speeding ticket while I am up there trying to drive and read a mapping took a wrong turn and was doing 39 in a 25 and not wearing a seat belt. well I learned a lesson so far. I now wear my seat belt and am trying real hard at monitoring my speed and am not speeding. I then came back really enraged and now am just coming down from that rage. But I have decided to no longer when going through something like this that I am going to try hard not to try to escape it nor talk about escaping it by wanting to run to the hospital or move out or state. I desire to move from where I am but yet I also know that it is prominent when I am trying to escape my anger and rage.

I know there are more services in different states but I know I am not going anywhere so then why continue to use that as a distraction and concern others by trying to avoid my emotions by saying i want to move. yes I sometimes feel like I need to go into the hospital but that for the most part is because that is what I am used to. I am not used to facing things. I am used to going into the hospital to fix things and avoid facing things. I am used to using the hospital as my way of escape from myself and most of the time it works because I get to become aggressive and angry and be put in restraints and fight people and it releases this anger I feel inside physically and most times I go in there after releasing some of the anger on myself either by a suicide attempt or by self harming and so this is a step for me to work on facing the anger but really unsure what to truly do with it if i do not do anything to myself and i do not release it by fighting others who are trying to restrain me and hold me and control. I am trying to work on myself here and this is new.

There is some contentment with these new desires and some confliction. there is a lot of fear and insecurity. I am unsure I truly trust anyone fully though there is a person I trust alot I fear being hurt all the time and fear that everyone on my life has always walked away or eventually leaves and so why would this person be any different especially since she is in the field she is in and I am the person I am. People get sick of me. People decide I am not wort their time. People decide I am a hopeless case and I am a waste of life so what makes me think she is any different. These are the thoughts I want t change but yet they continue to overwhelm me and cause me anxiety regularly.

 

email i sent about my distress and self destruction

 

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down
and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

 

Enragement ends in confliction and leaves me confused

So today I really was enraged about an issue that is in my past and being triggered by some events that occur around me presently. It is not an issue that triggers this much anger and rage in me every time it occurs in front of me but for the most part it bothers me alot and enough that it interferes in my life. The issue also brings up more than anger for me though. It brings up grief, guilt, shame, loss, jealousy, disgust, insecurity, fear, helplessness, abandonment, hopelessness, disbelief, trust, dishonesty, discontent, confliction, depression, denial, desperation, insecurities, hate, helplessness, pain, misery, shame, suffering, and plain self-hatred.

Enraged feeling someone protecting an abuser instead of a child but also feeling that very same person acts as if the abuse is not enough abuse or bad enough to do something about or the person does not see enough to report. But yet the person had never until the other day corrected me about what we saw happen and I wonder if now because I became enraged at them for not reporting the abuse if they now minimized the abuse into something less than what really happened or if or if I saw what I really saw. I also wonder why before this they had not said that was not what had happened when I had talked about it and now they are saying it. Now I am confused as to what happened and questioning my own self.

Is it possible to have seen someone react in an abusive way in the past and to just automatically see it as happening that way the next time? Could it be that I imagined the incident or is it that now these 2 people have screwed the story up so much they do not really know what happened considering the person who actually did the act thinks they just knocked a plate out of the child’s hand when in fact the day it happened they had called me apologizing a few hours later for hitting their child and now the second person is saying that they witnessed the person push the child and so neither makes sense to what I saw and their was a fourth person here but that person is not involved here and does not want to nor need to be but I just am wondering why someone would screw with my head this way after 2 months of me being bothered by the child being hit and then to be told the 3rd person never saw im be hit but be pushed like I did not see what I saw. I wonder if I just somehow made it happen in my mind because I had seen her do it to him before when she was angry like that.

I am so confused as what to believe now and how to approach the situation because this person I care about but feel as if the trust is becoming broken for her to protect an abuser which even makes it harder for me to feel she can be trusted. I wish I knew how to bring it up to the person without causing more problems and without getting more angry with them. I also feel like now I am not sure they really will be telling me the truth anyways. I feel so lost as this was someone I really cared about and trusted and now feel manipulated and as if they messed with my head and fucked my mind up by lying and deceiving my thinking as they just did to protect an abuser.

4 Years ago

Four years ago today we said our goodbyes. But those goodbyes were not forever. Those goodbyes were only temporary until you reach the age of legality and seek me. When you come looking for me I will be here. I will be here for you and hopefully by then have already been reunited with your brother and will have atleast been able to start rebuilding the bonds we had torn to shreds.

Remember that last hour we spent together? Though you probably don’t I do. I cried before, during, and many hours after that last hour I had with you. It was the same day you graduated from your preschool and you had a yellow shirt on and brought a balloon. The visit was with you, your brother Corey, your nana, and me. Your therapist and my case manager were there watching us as we spent that last hour playing and talking as if it was just one of many hours we spent and would spent together. It was hard cause of your age and knowing you did not understand what was really happing and that would be the last time we would part for many years to come.

Well I spent the last 10 minutes of that hour with you alone, just you and I with our workers there watching. Making sure you were okay, I was okay, and that I did not run away with you. though I would have loved to I knew and still know that living on the run and in hiding would not be any type of life for you or any of your siblings. It would never be stable, we would have to be constantly in hiding, and we would be moving more than we had ever done in those first 5 years of your life. that is not the life I wanted you to have and so I never have and will attempt that instead I await you and each of your other siblings reunification. those 10 minutes we talked and though you were young we talked about remembering eachother and always knowing we will be watching the same stars under the same sky and moon at night. we talked about how much i will miss you and I still do even more than I thought I ever would. I miss all of you but you were special. You were my baby girl, my first daughter, my pride and the guilt I feel for failing to protect you hinders me day after day. But it gives me hope knowing you will someday be back in my life and we will be able to build memories together. I may not have the memories of your growth and they may get those by themselves someday we will share those memories and be able to talk about those that I am missing now hopefully.

lost in questions

 

You ever have a conversation with someone but really do not want to have the conversation? Have you ever had things to say during a conversation but yet tried your best to sensor that what you say to the other person not wanting to hurt them or anger them, not wanting to make them hate you? Have you ever gotten angry at someone for no reason? Do you ever get angry at someone and cannot figure out the reason but yet know there are several reasons why you should be angry with them? Do you ever wonder why you are okay with things but yet nothing will happen and you all a sudden get angry? Have you ever wondered why such little things can happen and can feel such immense emotion over them? Are your emotions ever triggered into past emotions by current happenings even though it is truly not the current situation that is the true emotionally distressing situation but yet the core issues inside you that you refuse to face is interfering in your life so much it is almost impossible to avoid the emotional triggering. It is almost impossible to avoid the triggering but yet it seems as if it is the current surface issue that is causing the distress and emotional response when in fact is the past that is surfacing and becoming unavoidable that you keep trying to ignore and run from. How do you rid yourself from those underlying core emotional issues without facing your past? How do you ignore the overload and spillage into your current life and get the boiling over to simmer down? i am trying hard no to deal with or have to face and trust anyone in life with my secrets of the past. I am trying hard not to let my walls be penetrated. I am trying hard to make people in my realize and understand I was not meant to be cared about, loved, heard, understood, and that I am supposed to be alone, hopeless, hurt, unloved, and hated. So by them breaking through my walls all they have done is caused me to make them bigger and stronger.By them caring it makes me angry. I know that sounds irrational since all I do in life is desire to be cared about and loved but yet when it happens I cannot trust it as too many people in my life claim they cared, claimed they loved me, claimed they never would hurt me and walk away from me, but yet in the end they did all this. They walked away, hurt me more than I was hurt before they came into my life, well most of them anyway, not sure they ever really cared since they claimed they did but yet only cared during the times we were around each other or when they needed something from me, and when people claimed to love me I always paid a price either by physically being abused and then being told they loved me, or by sexually having to give into someone sexually with my body being their payment for what they claimed was their love and so I am not sure I really know what love is and or how to experience and except love and care from anyone in life.

 

The anger I feel

This week has been a very different week for me though yesterday and today has been rough it has not been easy it has been okay. Today has been difficult but I have almost made it through and the day is almost done. I am going to write this and then lay down as I have an early morning with a friend of mine needing some help and picking me p at 7 am to go help her start packing up her house.

I did do some writing this week but did not post them to my blog yet as some of it is sensitive material and some f it just may not be appropriate for the public’s eyes though I may just post them just for some feed back as tonight has been difficult for me as I have obsessed over yesterdays incidents and it boiled over into today and ended up contributing to an already difficult time for me. Instead of managing it as I planned I allowed my emotions to get in the way and was unable able to stay in control of myself and let myself not stay silent as I had said to myself I was going to do last night. I was hoping I was going to handle saying goodbye to my mental health worker as she left for vacation but instead my anger, which really has nothing to do with, or relationship got in the way. A big part of it s the fact that goodbyes are not good for me and separations are not good for me as it is hard for me to trust people will come back as so many people have left me behind and so many people have lied to me in the past. So many people have betrayed me. However, I allow things with other people to interfere in my treatment and I allow her reaction and treatment methods of other clients to effect my emotions and trust in her. I wrote about some of it last night. I may just move that post to another of my blogs as to not interfere with this one.

I was always involved in a system that failed me as a child. Now I sit and watch as the system failed to help me keep my family together. Yes, I had my faults. Yes, I got angry and frustrated at things my children did and how they behaved. I reacted at times in ways I wish I could have changed. I stayed in a relationship with my children’s father in which both of us should not have stayed together. We both were abusive towards each other, held resentments, had anger issues, and had no control over our emotions and reacted in abusive manners toward each other. Our abusiveness towards each other was harmful to our children, emotion and mentally. We were both neglectful in caring for the children’s psychological, mental, and emotional needs as we abused each other mentally, emotionally, and physically in their presence. My house was never clean and my children knew how to manipulate me to get their way most of the time. But I was a work in progress and I was always able to say I needed help, I could not do it by myself, I recognized the need for change in their lives even if things did not immediately change for the good I was always trying new things and making an effort to address what was happening in my home, I was honest with people, I never encouraged my kids to lie, I never told my kids they were liars, I never abused my kids or called them names or criticized them, and when my husband laid his hands on my children the 3 times I remember we got into severe physical altercations where I made a point to let him know I disapproved of my children being abused or disciplined physically in nature. I may not have taught my children the best ways of dealing with altercations as violence is never the best way to deal with anger and you should never tell a child not to hit and then hit but as I said earlier I had my faults and so I do understand some things to a degree.

I was raised in a system. My life consisted of being failed by the system and then the system failed to help me when I needed help in raising my own child and so the cycle continued with my children. Nevertheless, there are people who claim to want their children and then act as if they could care less about them. People anger me in the system who are there to help people change their lives and who should be protecting the children whether they are the child’s worker or the parents worker and instead they minimize the parent responsibilities and act as if it is the child’s fault what is going on. I feel as if I am reliving some of what I experienced in my own life and it is 27 years later when things have supposedly changed for the better in this world. People are supposedly better at recognizing the signs and effects abuse and neglect has on children and their responsibilities to the children in the world not just to the parents. It is not just a parents responsibility to raise a child nowadays it is the publics responsibility to protect that child if they witness that child’s abuse, neglect, or need for help.

Therefore, I have allowed myself to be hindered by some recent incidents that occurred and the anger seems to be over taken me. However, not just because of the events that occurred and in this moment I am sitting here able to recognize why I am so angered by what occurred. I am angered more about the fact that though I had many people in my life that could have helped me and should have seen what was happening and been able to protect me they did not. They could not read my mind. They could not help me because I stayed silent. I allowed the secrets to stay a secret and no one saw any of the signs or recognized my pain. No one helped me when I needed help as a child, as a teenager, as a wife, as a young mother, as a struggling, angry hurt distressed parent afraid to lose the only thing that mattered in my life. No one helped me. No protected me from losing my world, my life. They are gone. My life has been stolen. My life was stolen. I suffer a lot. Suffer many days. I do not suffer everyday as I did in the past but there are many days I suffer in silence. I still have many secrets that no one has ever cared enough to help me through. I still hold my secrets that I have held for many years and maybe I will die with them inside me. Maybe they will stay buried deep within or maybe someday there will be someone in my life with who I am able to work through this all and someday I will no longer get so angry over such issues, maybe I will not get so obsessed and feel so hurt when people do not care. Maybe I will care enough about myself and my life to make something of myself.

The day was great until the moment of ruin

So today, I was having a great day. I had a nice cookout with some “friends” and our mental health support worker. She leaves tomorrow for an 11-day vacation to visit her family and celebrate her 50th Birthday. What a milestone that is in someone’s life considering I am not sure I will ever make it that far or long in life. Overall, it was a really nice time and I enjoyed myself and had a great time spending time with one of their 5-year-old sons. We climbed the tree and I hope he had fun too. As there really was no entertainment for him but I tried to make it fun for him also. I no longer have my ids so I no longer have toys for his age as I ridded myself of all the toys finally after lugging them around for so long. The last of them went right before I moved into this building last year. I held onto them way too long after my kids were long gone but finally had enough closure I was able to let go of them and sometimes regret it but I did it and it was therapeutic when I got rid of the last one before moving here which was my son Daniel’s remote control truck I had bought him for his Birthday in 2006.

So anyways my enjoyment stopped when the it was time for the child and his mother to leave and she was not paying attention to him and listening when he was trying to tell her something as she was talking to me and had the food in her hand that I was sending home with them and her laptop in her other hand. He pulled on her arm to get her attention and she dropped the food and in angered yelled at him and hit him. I was very angry with her and saddened. She them turned to me and told me well there it is you will have to pick it up I will call you later and walked away yelling at the child about the food after she had just abused him. I was angry with her. I was saddened for the child. This was not the first time I have seen her do this but this was the first time she had publically done this to him in front of a counselor and other people who did not really know plus it was at my home and she acted as if she really did not care.

She later called me to apologize for her hitting her son and tried to lie to me saying it was the first time and she did not know why she had done it. However, in fact I had seen her do it two other times to him but at her home. I am angered even more by her denial of her behaviors towards her child and her belief in her innocence as she reminds me so much of my mother and my ex husband who belied his own lies once he told them. I am also angered by my mental health workers lack of action at this other clients abusive behavior in front of her towards her child and it feels just as it felt when I was younger and my mother told everyone what was going on and they listened and did not look at the signs of my behavior and instead just listened to my mother’s manipulative words. The worker believes this person is naive and innocence and easily taken advantage of and manipulated when in fact she is the manipulative, takes advantage of, devious, lying, person that she has people believing happens to her so often as she uses marijuana more and more and cares less and less about her child. Her life is falling apart quickly and seems to be going down the drain fast but yet I cannot stop it. I cannot do anything about it as she is in denial and she is lying to herself and everyone around her. She is manipulating her son, her workers, her life, and her child’s life. I cannot change her, I cannot change the workers in her or her child’s life, and I cannot change the system. Nevertheless, I must change my own stress, reaction, and how I cope with all this as it is destroying me more and more. I become angrier each encounter I experience and it seems to get worse than the one before.