email i sent about my distress and self destruction

 

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down
and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

 

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My day and odd fear and panic tonight

 

Today has been an odd day for me. It started out waking up early as it has been normal as of lately which is actually early for me but normal for me lately. Then I went out to the garden and worked on clearing the garden plot of the diseased plants and dumped the potato bucket that I thought was growing no potatoes in it but it had some in it and i ruined the growh process and so the potatos i got are real small. So I decided the potatoes i did get I am going to try to replant and get some bigger potatoes from the small ones. I also am preparing to plant some brocoli seeds, cabbage seeds, greens, squash, and some more green beans for the second crops of the season.

Then I spent some time on the computer and read several very interesting articles today. I alos labeled several pictures I had taken on vacation of my picture timeline of some of my life events. Some of it was hard to look at and go over some of the memories and of course some of the memories I skipped over and did not label nor view the picture. instead I quickly did the ones I could handle and when it became too much for me I suddenly felt overwelmed and tired and went and layed down to rest a while. Then my worker came.

We took a ride to a campground were we plan on going camping on the night of august 11th and sitting in front of the campfire and going out of a boat fishing and hopefully I am able to just let go of the outside life and leave everything else behind and just enjoy things. There has been so much anger within me lately I am sick ofit I just want for it to go away and for my walls to not be so thick and for them to come down a little as they had before. i had let them down before. My worker had earned her trust and worked hard at proving she was trustworthy enough for me to let my walls down but I quickly got scared and built them back up thicker and higher. I wish they were not there somedays as I want to get through the inner pain and experience joy with life. I want to experience inner peace, contentment, and happiness. I want to be okay with me and satisfied with who I am.

Then we came back to my house and chatted a while and as she was getting getting ready to leave I felt as if I had regressed. I did not want her to leave. I did not want her to go home. I wanted to go home with her. I thought she might never come back even though intectually I knew she would be back monday and I would see her then a Fear came over em that I was losing her and that she was leaving. I felt sad. I wanted to go with her for some reason. I asked her if I could go and she said no which I knew she was going to but yet I wanted to go. I did nto want to stay home. I was going to miss her and she was only going home to her house accross town for the weekend. As she pulled out the driveway I felt the tear come out my eye and walk away. I also felt stupid and unsure what was going on with me. I knew I was acting stupid and felt very emotional but yet was unsure why and was not sure why I was so attached at that moment as I had been so very angry with her for the past few weeks. This felt very strange and odd to me. I felt overwelmed by her leaving tonight and saddened. I almost felt as if I was losing her and I am not sure why. I felt a panic and cried when I came in the house. I felt like a stupid little child. I was crying for no reason. Well atleast I hope it was for no reason but I guess time will tell come Monday when I am scheduled to see he.

 

lost in questions

 

You ever have a conversation with someone but really do not want to have the conversation? Have you ever had things to say during a conversation but yet tried your best to sensor that what you say to the other person not wanting to hurt them or anger them, not wanting to make them hate you? Have you ever gotten angry at someone for no reason? Do you ever get angry at someone and cannot figure out the reason but yet know there are several reasons why you should be angry with them? Do you ever wonder why you are okay with things but yet nothing will happen and you all a sudden get angry? Have you ever wondered why such little things can happen and can feel such immense emotion over them? Are your emotions ever triggered into past emotions by current happenings even though it is truly not the current situation that is the true emotionally distressing situation but yet the core issues inside you that you refuse to face is interfering in your life so much it is almost impossible to avoid the emotional triggering. It is almost impossible to avoid the triggering but yet it seems as if it is the current surface issue that is causing the distress and emotional response when in fact is the past that is surfacing and becoming unavoidable that you keep trying to ignore and run from. How do you rid yourself from those underlying core emotional issues without facing your past? How do you ignore the overload and spillage into your current life and get the boiling over to simmer down? i am trying hard no to deal with or have to face and trust anyone in life with my secrets of the past. I am trying hard not to let my walls be penetrated. I am trying hard to make people in my realize and understand I was not meant to be cared about, loved, heard, understood, and that I am supposed to be alone, hopeless, hurt, unloved, and hated. So by them breaking through my walls all they have done is caused me to make them bigger and stronger.By them caring it makes me angry. I know that sounds irrational since all I do in life is desire to be cared about and loved but yet when it happens I cannot trust it as too many people in my life claim they cared, claimed they loved me, claimed they never would hurt me and walk away from me, but yet in the end they did all this. They walked away, hurt me more than I was hurt before they came into my life, well most of them anyway, not sure they ever really cared since they claimed they did but yet only cared during the times we were around each other or when they needed something from me, and when people claimed to love me I always paid a price either by physically being abused and then being told they loved me, or by sexually having to give into someone sexually with my body being their payment for what they claimed was their love and so I am not sure I really know what love is and or how to experience and except love and care from anyone in life.

 

triggered emotions but unsure what lots of thoughts

 

Today was my nieces birthday. We had a party for her. There was lots of family there. My sperm donor even showed up. It was really difficult for me since I had not seen him since my youngest child who is now 6 1/2 years old was about a month old. I got to see m,y baby sister who is 12 years old also but we did not say much to each other though I said bye and gave her a hug before I left. while they were there and I was still there I retreated downstairs to my sister’s room to work on her computer as I felt very uncomfortable and really did not want to be around them.

First off he sat next to me and did not even acknowledge me for about 5-8 minutes after getting there. then he says oh hi did not recognize and realize that was you. He then went about chatting with everyone else. About half hour later he introduces me and the rest of us to his friend who drove him there. It was then that I eased my way downstairs into retreat. I disappeared until it was time for me to leave. I then said my goodbyes. that may have been my final goodbye to him and I kept it simple and really did not even hug him but vaguely as I do not love him nor have any positive feelings for him. I have no respect no sympathy for him and do not really care that he is dying. I really do not care. I honestly will not cry and I will not attend his funeral when he passes away as I do not consider him to be my DAD nor do I consider him even worthy enough to be called a father to me. He is nothing but a SPERM DONOR. I wish and hope that someday I am able to even prove he is not even that to me as they is a slight possibility he is not even that to me. I can only hope and pray he is not but I cannot be that lucky. Maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to be told I was never his and I am my mothers first true loves child who is also her current husband and they are happily married after being separated for 30 years and leading separate marriages and lives they got back together and got married. I hope and wish I am his. But they wont help me find out and I am not sure why they wont. I od not want to be my sperm donors nor do I want to be the other possibility who is a child molester and messed up my life and molested my mom, my brother, and many others including me as a child. I want to be her current husbands who was her highschool love. But unfortunately I am never that lucky in life. I am never good enough to have been his. Maybe I am the child molesters and that is why she has hated me and abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically my whole life. Maybe that is why she hates me and treats me as an outcast. Maybe that is why she has always shown the other 3 kids of hers more love and that they are cared about but yet has shown me hatred. Maybe I am the makings of the evilness of the child diddler who also fucked up my life as a young child. The one who she allowed near me after he had molested her as a teenager. So in my opinion she caused my molestation and my brothers. She allowed it to occur knowing what he had done to her she should have never allowed him near us never mind alone with us.

Why is it that so many people live in denial as to their responsiblity in a child’s life. Why is it that people believe that they have no responsibility in what happens to children if they did not do it themselves. what if they knew about it? What if they saw it happen? What if they did nothing about knowing about it or seeing it? Would they not be somewhat to blame for that childs difficulties as they got older since they could have put a stop to it or helped that child get away from it or get help for it? Why is it that so many people turn a blind eye or think that is not their duty, responsibility, or job to protect, help, or save a child from abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, emotional, or mental abuse? Why is it so many people can claim to be against abuse but yet do nothing about it or turn around and do the very things that they claim they are against? Why is it that some children and families receive help and take advantage of the system and others do not get any help? Why is it that some families secrets are kept hidden and the children end up fucked up and damaged the rest of their lives like me and then others get help and are oka and able to go on living productive un eventful forgiving resentful manageable stable lives? Why can’t I have my kids? Why can’t I see my kids or have pictures of them? Why cant I just hear their voices? I just want them in my lives. I just want to be in their lives. I miss them alot!

 

Events of today

Today was an okay day. It was long I guess I would say. I did not get up until 10:30. Then I worked on my bedroom and got them almost finished throughout the day and did my sons room. I did another load of laundry finished washing my blankets and hung curtains in my bedroom. My house is really starting to become a home I guess. I still have to hang the 5×7 of my kids on my bedroom walls and hang the kitchen curtains. I still need to move my son’s weight bench and move the outside table and chairs back to my front porch. I worked in my garden today and gave away cherry tomatoes to two different people today. I obtained a new chair for me to sit in front of my computer and bought myself a new cell phone of eBay that I really did not need and should not have purchased but owell what is one is done. I worked in my garden some.

I plan on taking down my shower curtains tomorrow, rehanging them differently, and also adding the outside fabric ones for decoration. I folded towels and put them on the shelf in the bathroom. I still need to get my dishes done but plan on really motivating and doing them tomorrow. I also would like to try to finish building my bookshelf I started the other day. I already cut the wood to size now I just need to put it together and put the books on it. Sounds simple but yet I have yet to do it. I have to make a movie and a couple cd’s for a friend of mine and she plans on picking them up Tuesday along with picking her some tomatoes for the week. I picked the first official real tomato today, though it was small, it was not a cherry tomato it was a real red actual regular ripened tomato. It did come out of my mental health workers garden and not mine but I guess since she is away on vacation I claim rights to it. Nevertheless, I gave it away. I also picked and gave three cucumbers. I plan on digging up one of my tomato plants and a couple of my pepper plants, putting them in pots, and bring them up north on my trip for my brother so he can plant himself a small garden up north as he asked me to help him while I am up there. However, there warm weather is much shorter than ours down here and if he were to try to start from seed this late in the season, he would never be able to get production before the frost ruined his plants. Therefore, I have decided to try to bring him some plants from my garden and hope they survive the trip up there and the transplanting and change in soil chemistry and weather differences.

My nieces birthday party is next Saturday so I will get to be there for that which I have never been involved in either or my sisters 2 girls birthdays so I excited about that. I offered to get her cake as my contribution to her for her birthday. I am staying up there until my birthday which is the 17th and my son is not coming home until the end of the month so I will be coming home alone and be lonely when I get back but it will give me some time alone and will force me to work on my loneliness and face myself and the hatred I have with being alone. Found out this evening my mom will be arriving late Tuesday night and we will not be leaving until Thursday morning sometime. Then we will be detouring to New Jersey to Atlantic City to the casino, which I have no money for unless I decide not to pay the bills I planned on paying and really need to pay. I already am short on money for paying all the bills this month and cannot afford not to pay something on all my bills and so I believe I am just going to go ahead and pay $25 towards my fine at the court, $65 to the cable/internet, and the last $20 I have on the water bill which will leave me oweing $50 to the water and behind $25 on my fine but I am making an effort at least and hopefully will be able to catch up next month.

Tonight I went to the fireworks for the first time since I have not had my children and I actually enjoyed them. I really was fearful when I was invited to go as I had not done that in years because it was something I did with them and do not really do many things that I enjoyed doing with them for fear that it is betraying them if I enjoy things we did together without them. However, I was able to have fun, enjoy the fireworks, and be okay while there and when I got back. I did watch the children and look at the stars. I did miss my babies and wish they were there with me sitting there enjoying them also. However, I also hope they were under the same sky I was seeing possible the very same fireworks I was seeing and if not some other fireworks and enjoying themselves just as much as I was. I hoped the older two remembered when we went and saw them and have found memories of us being together watching them. I will say though I did not let the thoughts consume me those 15 minutes that the fireworks were showing. I allowed sometime of thought and allowed some time of joy. It was balance. It was different. It was change. I felt at peace and happy. I had a good time even though I was worried before going. It was really nice. Today was a good day all and all.

Thoughts this morning

Well here starts the challenge. However, should not be a challenge as I went many times without someone in my life and no one has ever really cared anyway I feel the next few days will e a challenge for me.

At least being alone is difficult and my worker leaving was hard for me as I was angry with her. I tried not to let it interfere but it did. I was not angry with her for leaving but I was angry more at myself for things in my past and angry with others in the system that failed to help me but took it out on her. The one thing that does anger me though is being lied to and though she insists she did not lie to me, I am not sure she told me the truth nor will I ever know if she lied. She claims she deleted so many messages from me which I know is true but those specific messages I had sent the night before and she was the one who tried to prove to me so quickly, defensively, and volunteered the information to me that her phone was dead all night and she did not charge it and so pretended to not have gotten my messages the previous night when in fact she appears to have gotten them an just pretended not to.

I wish she were just honest with me. I wish that if she did not want me texting her or if she did not want to hear about certain shit she just said so rather than pretending it was okay only to leave me feeling the way I feel now or for me to feel she does not read them or does not care about what I say or does not want me texting her at times. Why does she not just say so? Why does she just not tell me the truth and tell me not to text her. I would respect her wishes. I wish she realized that I care enough about her to care what she asks me and to try to respect her and what she wants to the best of my abilities as much as possible. Some things are hard for me when I am in an emotional state such as yesterday when I did not want to allow my anger to interfere in our time together before she left for vacation but the emotions got the best of me and interfered more than I wanted them to. I wished they had not. I wished they had stayed in control, as I had wanted them to.

Separations trigger a lot in me and I just have difficulties handling it along with everything else that was also going on within my mind. I wish I were more able to manage my emotions and control when things interfere in my life. I wish I was more in control of my emotional mind and more in my wise mind at all times. I wish my life were happier and more stable. I wish I did not need the security from others and reassurance from others they care to feel life matters. I wish life mattered to me more than to others but it really does not at this point in time. I wish someday I would find what happiness other people have found in their lives that they did not always have but have been able to find and achieve through hard work and perseverance. Someday maybe I will get there.

this weekends failure at ending life

so this weekend I had another failed attempt at ending my life and though supposedly came close to succeeding I obviously failed with much regret though some insight into things. I am not wanted even by the man upstairs. he never even showed up for me.  My family pretended to care so much in a crisis and then turn right back around and the very things that trigger me into feeling unloved, hated, uncared for, and that I have no reason to live. Wow what a show they put on, I guess and harassing the doctors and all and then blowing up my brother who lives here phone and then calling my mental health support worker also. Needless to say yesterday I was glad I survived and today I am very disappointed I failed. I layed there on my bed wondering if my life will ever end or ever get better. I layed there wonder what it is that I can do to improve my quality of life and how can i do it without needing to rely on anyone as someone is bound to let you down at some point or another even if unintentional. But I came to the conclusion that though some people may be capable of doing it I am a needy person and at some points feel like I seek child like emotional attachments and so I need people in my life to fulfill the little child in me that never seemed to have gotten what she needed growing up and now still cannot get it from the one who should have given it to her back then.

and so I am coming into some rocky emotional days I guess need to expect myself to just be and go through them without acting on them or entertaining them. I need to experience all the emotions from this failed attempt and get through this. it is hard to explain and hard to express but i will do it and get through it.