new ideas and desires, new goals

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ok so I have some new things I am looking at and think I want to work on in my life. One of which is my lack of being able to communicate face to face with verbal words with others. It is even hard with the person in my life that I trust the most and she is the person in my life who has never hurt me purposely nor tried to harm me in anyway and cares a whole lot about me I think. It still interferes greatly in my communication and emotional responses to things she says or the thinking process of my life. And so I have decided this is something I really want to work on and address with her. But after doing it in my relationship with her and being able to effectively verbally communicate with her I want to be able to verbally communicate effectively with others in my life and then take it a step further and verbally communicate with everyone.

Then there is the goal that I have decided to work on the building of my life story and work through and process my memories of my childhood and my life leading up till now that has left me to who I am now. I have decided to do this by processing it with pictures, writing, and talking through it. I need to go through the emotions, the thoughts, the experiences that I have avoided feeling, the grief and pain of the losses, the shame, the sadness, along with some of the joys that I did not experience back when i should have. i have decided that I need to be bale to do this at my pace but also with the help from someone else with the urge to move through it instead of avoiding it and running from it when it gets too much for me as I have done in the past. I want to work through it and get through the tunnel of darkness and find the light at the end. I want to experience what others claim I can someday find. i want to someday have the hope that is buried inside me that at times I see glimpses of and it disappears faster than it came and I sometimes believe it was never there. I want to take responsibility for my part of my life where i am responsible for and leave blame and responsibility on the people who are to blame and who were responsible for their parts on them but yet it is hard when the responsibility feels as if most of it was mine and so this is something I really want to work on and adjust in my mind and determine and decide who is responsible and why or why not I am responsible as others claim some of it I am not responsible for but i believe I am and so I feel conflicted. Then there is also my own childrens neglect and the abuse they experienced that I want to work on and work through. I want to trust enough to let my guard down and allow someone to help me through this without doibng what I do best and running and using techniques such as getting angry with that person, finding ways to sabotage the relationship, trying to force them into to leaving, trying to find away into needing to be put away, sabotaging my life, becoming too emotionally unstable and suicidal by triggering anxiety, getting involved in other people’s chaos life issues drugs self-injury or anything to help me avoid facing and dealing with what I truly need to and at this time want to work on. And so as I sit here and write this knowing that though I will at some point battle and fight this I know it is what is needed and what is in the long run best. I know it is what is needed for me to become who ultimately I desire to become. I know it is the way I am going to find the light and the hope i need in life otherwise I may end up dead. And so I need to start working on this stuff. I am taking a stance as I have begun this journey though scary I have started. I took pictures of some of the places I have lived and some of the places where some abuse started, took place, where I whored around as a 12-year-old, where I lived with my kids, the house my husband and i lived when each of our children were born, and some other places that i cannot remember at this moment but some significant places and I plan on making posts on a different blog with each of the pictures and the memories that go along with these pictures. I plan on shedding many tears and coming through this stronger and hopefully more hopeful and with much more purpose in life.

I do not write any of this for anyone else except for myself. I write this with hopes that someday i can look back at it and say WOW I have come so far but if someone reads it and they say WOW I feel that way i am not alone I understand that I am glad there is someone else out there that understands how I feel I though I was alone… I too am glad. As so many times when I think to myself there is no one else who could possible understand and that no one else feels the way I feel, and no one else has ever experienced any pain like I have or that I am so different and so unique I get online and find others like myself, suffering in silence, suffering and alone feeling as if they will never be understood, and never get anywhere, never have meaning or purpose in life, there is no reason to keep going, and why should I keep going on. Why am I breathing. So If someday someone like myself reads my blog even if it is only one person and it helps them feel not so alone and know they are not alone in their feelings of hopelessness, shame, and pain then I guess it was not a waste of time. But in the end none of this is truly a waste of time to begin with because when i someday look back at all this that I have written. I will have a map of how long my journey was and how far I came on this journey and not everyone has that. Not everyone has a record of their life as I will have and not everyone wants one. Maybe then I wont want it or I wont need it and I will erase it of delete it. But for now I believe it is important to my future and so I write it and I keep it.

Another thing I have decided to do is to try to make an effort to say what I mean instead of using wording as a means of verbally escaping my emotions. For example I have been going through alot of emotional distress lately with witnessing some things I would have prefered not seeing and then feeling as if nothing was done about it and then becoming angry about it with someone else. Then my worker leaves on vacation and she leaves me when I am angry with her. Then I leave on vacation in an angry state but not really wanting to go just going to satisfy my family and to do what I am supposed to do to be normal i guess you can say. But yet I still am feeling angry inside me and I am trying to just stay numbed emotionally and pretend life is good and just avoid feeling much. Then the first day we get up north my son starts his shit and pulls a power struggle over a situation that is somewhat similar to and triggering back to somewhat of what was enraging me in my home state where I was on vacation from. And so he threatens to leave me and then has my mom pick him up and asserts the fact he has control over me not me having control over him. And so I felt as if I just wanted to come home and do not even want him to come home with me. He created more rage and anger inside me. That is still there but yet I have had to just leave it there for now and it is stuck there not really sure where to put it what to do with it or how to handle it. then my siblings my brother and sister are dealing with their own issues surrounding neglectfulness and abusiveness of their children that causes me anger/rage and alot of jealousy to be honest that I do not have my children but yet these people have their children. it does not seem fair and sometimes make me want to blow the world up if possible but I know it is not and that my kids are in the world and do nto want to hurt them. then I get a speeding ticket while I am up there trying to drive and read a mapping took a wrong turn and was doing 39 in a 25 and not wearing a seat belt. well I learned a lesson so far. I now wear my seat belt and am trying real hard at monitoring my speed and am not speeding. I then came back really enraged and now am just coming down from that rage. But I have decided to no longer when going through something like this that I am going to try hard not to try to escape it nor talk about escaping it by wanting to run to the hospital or move out or state. I desire to move from where I am but yet I also know that it is prominent when I am trying to escape my anger and rage.

I know there are more services in different states but I know I am not going anywhere so then why continue to use that as a distraction and concern others by trying to avoid my emotions by saying i want to move. yes I sometimes feel like I need to go into the hospital but that for the most part is because that is what I am used to. I am not used to facing things. I am used to going into the hospital to fix things and avoid facing things. I am used to using the hospital as my way of escape from myself and most of the time it works because I get to become aggressive and angry and be put in restraints and fight people and it releases this anger I feel inside physically and most times I go in there after releasing some of the anger on myself either by a suicide attempt or by self harming and so this is a step for me to work on facing the anger but really unsure what to truly do with it if i do not do anything to myself and i do not release it by fighting others who are trying to restrain me and hold me and control. I am trying to work on myself here and this is new.

There is some contentment with these new desires and some confliction. there is a lot of fear and insecurity. I am unsure I truly trust anyone fully though there is a person I trust alot I fear being hurt all the time and fear that everyone on my life has always walked away or eventually leaves and so why would this person be any different especially since she is in the field she is in and I am the person I am. People get sick of me. People decide I am not wort their time. People decide I am a hopeless case and I am a waste of life so what makes me think she is any different. These are the thoughts I want t change but yet they continue to overwhelm me and cause me anxiety regularly.

 

email i sent about my distress and self destruction

 

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down
and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

 

My day and odd fear and panic tonight

 

Today has been an odd day for me. It started out waking up early as it has been normal as of lately which is actually early for me but normal for me lately. Then I went out to the garden and worked on clearing the garden plot of the diseased plants and dumped the potato bucket that I thought was growing no potatoes in it but it had some in it and i ruined the growh process and so the potatos i got are real small. So I decided the potatoes i did get I am going to try to replant and get some bigger potatoes from the small ones. I also am preparing to plant some brocoli seeds, cabbage seeds, greens, squash, and some more green beans for the second crops of the season.

Then I spent some time on the computer and read several very interesting articles today. I alos labeled several pictures I had taken on vacation of my picture timeline of some of my life events. Some of it was hard to look at and go over some of the memories and of course some of the memories I skipped over and did not label nor view the picture. instead I quickly did the ones I could handle and when it became too much for me I suddenly felt overwelmed and tired and went and layed down to rest a while. Then my worker came.

We took a ride to a campground were we plan on going camping on the night of august 11th and sitting in front of the campfire and going out of a boat fishing and hopefully I am able to just let go of the outside life and leave everything else behind and just enjoy things. There has been so much anger within me lately I am sick ofit I just want for it to go away and for my walls to not be so thick and for them to come down a little as they had before. i had let them down before. My worker had earned her trust and worked hard at proving she was trustworthy enough for me to let my walls down but I quickly got scared and built them back up thicker and higher. I wish they were not there somedays as I want to get through the inner pain and experience joy with life. I want to experience inner peace, contentment, and happiness. I want to be okay with me and satisfied with who I am.

Then we came back to my house and chatted a while and as she was getting getting ready to leave I felt as if I had regressed. I did not want her to leave. I did not want her to go home. I wanted to go home with her. I thought she might never come back even though intectually I knew she would be back monday and I would see her then a Fear came over em that I was losing her and that she was leaving. I felt sad. I wanted to go with her for some reason. I asked her if I could go and she said no which I knew she was going to but yet I wanted to go. I did nto want to stay home. I was going to miss her and she was only going home to her house accross town for the weekend. As she pulled out the driveway I felt the tear come out my eye and walk away. I also felt stupid and unsure what was going on with me. I knew I was acting stupid and felt very emotional but yet was unsure why and was not sure why I was so attached at that moment as I had been so very angry with her for the past few weeks. This felt very strange and odd to me. I felt overwelmed by her leaving tonight and saddened. I almost felt as if I was losing her and I am not sure why. I felt a panic and cried when I came in the house. I felt like a stupid little child. I was crying for no reason. Well atleast I hope it was for no reason but I guess time will tell come Monday when I am scheduled to see he.

 

lost in questions

 

You ever have a conversation with someone but really do not want to have the conversation? Have you ever had things to say during a conversation but yet tried your best to sensor that what you say to the other person not wanting to hurt them or anger them, not wanting to make them hate you? Have you ever gotten angry at someone for no reason? Do you ever get angry at someone and cannot figure out the reason but yet know there are several reasons why you should be angry with them? Do you ever wonder why you are okay with things but yet nothing will happen and you all a sudden get angry? Have you ever wondered why such little things can happen and can feel such immense emotion over them? Are your emotions ever triggered into past emotions by current happenings even though it is truly not the current situation that is the true emotionally distressing situation but yet the core issues inside you that you refuse to face is interfering in your life so much it is almost impossible to avoid the emotional triggering. It is almost impossible to avoid the triggering but yet it seems as if it is the current surface issue that is causing the distress and emotional response when in fact is the past that is surfacing and becoming unavoidable that you keep trying to ignore and run from. How do you rid yourself from those underlying core emotional issues without facing your past? How do you ignore the overload and spillage into your current life and get the boiling over to simmer down? i am trying hard no to deal with or have to face and trust anyone in life with my secrets of the past. I am trying hard not to let my walls be penetrated. I am trying hard to make people in my realize and understand I was not meant to be cared about, loved, heard, understood, and that I am supposed to be alone, hopeless, hurt, unloved, and hated. So by them breaking through my walls all they have done is caused me to make them bigger and stronger.By them caring it makes me angry. I know that sounds irrational since all I do in life is desire to be cared about and loved but yet when it happens I cannot trust it as too many people in my life claim they cared, claimed they loved me, claimed they never would hurt me and walk away from me, but yet in the end they did all this. They walked away, hurt me more than I was hurt before they came into my life, well most of them anyway, not sure they ever really cared since they claimed they did but yet only cared during the times we were around each other or when they needed something from me, and when people claimed to love me I always paid a price either by physically being abused and then being told they loved me, or by sexually having to give into someone sexually with my body being their payment for what they claimed was their love and so I am not sure I really know what love is and or how to experience and except love and care from anyone in life.

 

current happenings…

well my son started his shit already tonight and decided he wanted to play my mother and i against eachopther. well whatever if this is what he really wants that is fine. I really do not even want to be here. I want to go home and i have not even been up here for 12 hours yet. I just want to go back to my home and be alone. I want to be by myself and he can stay here where he wants to be. As far as I am concerned he can stay here and never come back.

I have had alot of thoughts through my ride up here with my mother including thinking about her denial of the past way she treated me and how I am going to work on it and be able ot move on from it and wondering if I will ever be able to work through it and get on with my life or will i always be effected by it and never truly be able to live without some tyoe of effect from it and damage caused by the forms of abuse I went through during different periods of my life. The trauma I was subjected to in the past most definately effects my current life and relationships and definitaly effects and causes me anger regarding other people and their treatment of their children. I have alot to face and work on if I ever get up the courage to face and deal with it head on. But I am unsure that will ever happen as there is not really anyone in my life I guess i can trust.

My Downfall

So I am beginning to have a downfall as the day gets closer. My thoughts are getting more focused on negativity and the positivity I am losing sight of. It is almost gone. i have been trying to keep myself busy and help others in my life but that has only made me more of a failure as everything I tell them I have been told and though the stuff I am saying to them is the right things to say and I am not just saying them for that reason I am saying them because I believe they are true for them but i cannot seem to get past the part where these things are right for others but not for me. Where others deserve to be cared about, loved, and need hope and should not kill themselves as there are many reasons they should not end their lives but for me there are many more reasons why people are better off with out me. There are many more reasons why I should end my life such as all the troubles I have endowed to my children through genetics and also through the neglect they endured the early years before being taking from me. The promise I made to them to go with the social workers and behave and I promised them I would get them back. But did  truly fight? NO! I gave up in reality… I quit. I am a quitter. If I had fought I would have won and got them back and gave them the life they deserved. The life I always said my kids would have. A life unfull of chaos, domestic abuse, trauma, abandonment, hurt, shame, pain, guilt, loss, instability, and abuse. These as I was growing up feeling, experiencing, and witnessing I swore my children would never go through and I would never put them through but yet my kids did and it was because of me they had to go through it. It was because I was weak and unable to stand up for them and what I believed that they should never experience. My kids are better off if I am dead before they come searching for me. I have been taking my medications but have decided to stop because the more I take on a daily basis the less I have for the final day.

To therapists and treatment providers who have been in my life

 

There have been many professionals in my life from a very young age who have tried to help me and tried to nurture me into a healthy person. There have been many people who did their jobs and treated me as they were trained to do. there have been too many people for me to count and too many for me to remember but then there are those who have stood out for me and the ones who I have always remembered and who I have always kept in my mind and hoped they still cared. Some I have tried to contact and gotten no response and felt well I guess they never really cared then there are those who I have contacted and they have responded and still acted very much as they care still more than 10 years later. I wonder why some people work in the field of psychology and mental health if they truly do not care and are not invested in the future outcome of the very younglings they helped nurture even if that child turned out to be a failure and such an unstable wreck as I have. that is not their fault. It is not the people’s fault who were there nurturing the child although abandoning the child which is just part of being brought up by a faulty system is a failure to the child but that is not the mental health worker or professionals fault as they have lives and must live them and move through their own lives also as they are growing to. But do they ever truly wonder what happened to me. Most probably do not care as most do not respond when I contact them but the few that do are the few that I know cared and are the few that invested a great deal of time in me even if I did nothing in response to their efforts. Yeah most of the ones who respond are past therapist and not just staff members who worked with me but they are counselors who actually were invested in me individually and knew me more intimately than most but even those therapist really knew not much as I never really opened up. they knew what they read about me and what I expressed regarding what was going on with me in those periods of time when I was seeing them but they never were able to help me delve into my past and work through it. I never allowed them into my locked dungeons within my cemented underground secret rooms in my head that keeps my buried past. But these people cared and tried their best and invested so much time and wasted so much effort trying their best to help me open up and trust them to help me work through my dark past so I could get through it and see the light but I would not let them in. I guess they really cared as even to this day they still check in with me every once in a while knowing my life is still very much a struggle. Yes, it may be 2 people out of more than a couple hundred that have worked with me but 2 people care about me more than I believed really and I am trying hard to convince myself that those 2 people especially one of them really don’t as she does not hardly respond to me when I message her but once in a great while but every so often she does. The other more often but not so often as a friend would. But it says she cares. It says I matter though I try hard to convince myself I do not. It makes it easier to kill myself if I can believe that I do not matter to anyone and that these people are fakes.

recently I have felt my current worker in my life has been a fake. She had been really caring and acted as if I mattered and told me I mattered and that she cared and I meant something but yet as of the past 2 months maybe a bit less she has distanced herself been sort of unemotional uncaring and just seems as if she could care less whether I am dead or alive. it now feels like she is just like all those other people who have come in and out of my life who have forgotten me or have not responded to me when I have contacted them. It seems as if I were to die tonight she would move on and be unaffected though she says that is not true I am having difficulties believing her recently since  her coldness and I am not sure how to describe it but it just feels as if I am nothing to anyone.

Then there is my last therapist which I ended services with about 9 weeks ago and have had to call he crying and upset 2 or 3 times since we stopped seeing each other april 30th. overtime I call her she acts as if it is a bother to her me calling and is quick to hurry me off the phone even the one time I was very distressed and almost at a point of suicide. Have I ever really mattered to her. Did I ever matter to her as a person or was I just a client id and money for the agency. Did she even see and recognize me as human. Does my mental health support worker really see and understand I am human and have feelings and need to be loved and cared about even if no one in my family ever has or will love and care about me.

Why is it that everyone has always hated me and never loved me from the time I was born? Why is it that even people in the system who are trained to love, nurture, and care about people like me cannot love and care about me. Why am I so hated by everyone in life.

To the people who have been there and who have tried to care I thank you for your efforts. I am sorry I put you through all I put you through and refused to trust and accept the help you offered. I am sorry I could not be cooperative and work with you to help you help me have a better life. If I was able to do it I may not be making the Choice i am choosing to make in the very near future. I thank you for all your efforts and times. I am sorry I wasted it when you could have been helping others who deserved it more than I and who may have accepted it.

Donna  from Aug 1998 until May 2001 you struggled with me. I manipulated you and played many of games with you. I needed love and attention and you gave it to me. I need someone to rescue me and you did that. I need someone to constantly protect me from myself and from the dangerous situations I placed myself in and you did that. You consistently saved and rescued me. You tried to protect and save me from myself. You angered me many times by your controlling nature with your ability just to section me but yet we learned to work with that and I knew that would happen if i need it. Though I was in and out of the hospital sometimes up to 3 times a month in the beginning of seeing you you stood by me for the most part. You even set limits with me when things got out of hand but always came back and kept to your word. You were the first therapist I had that I began to open up to minutely even though I retreated really quickly as things were much to scary and I could not do it. I learned a bit of trust with you even if I was unable to trust you. You were the beginning of my learning there were really people in the real world that cared.

Chris  as I was an angry uncontrollable self abusive aggressively violent towards other people teenager you were there trying to help me understand that anger towards others and myself. You were there trying to get me to learn better ways of expressing it. You were there trying to get me to talk about those things and why I had all those things inside me that still to this day I still wont talk about for the most part. You were there and helped me gain enough control to make it out of the locked facility and not end up in the state hospital when that was the only option left. You were there cheer leading me when no one else really believed I could do it because I had been unable to control myself and had chosen to not control myself the whole 3 years I had been there before given the ultimatum. It was you who believed in me and stood by me. It is you who still today who responds to me when I catch you online and you have a few moments to spare to let me know you still care about me. I appreciate the time you invested and am sorry I wasted all the time and effort you put into me. I am sorry I never amounted to anything. I am sorry I was never able to become who I should have become and did anything of value with my life after all the investment you put into me and all the faith you place in me. I appreciate what you did for me. Thank you.

Jane  you are a very kind and caring person you are more caring and loving than any person has ever been too me. I learned what being really cared about was truly about for a while. I honestly believed you were different from all the other people who worked in the system then it all began to change. The distance set in and it began to feel as if I do not matter. I made commitments to not kill myself during times that would affect you when in fact it is really what I need to do. I do not want to hurt you because i truly care about hurting people I care about but I also realize that this is not about you this is about me and I cannot base my treatment nor my life on how it is going to effect you since in reality I am just a client and you are just my clinician. Though I felt as if you were more of a mother to me than my mother had ever been at some point now it feels as of you are just a treatment provider and you really don’t care. You care  about me as a human but not really individually. I am not important on an individual level so I no longer can base holding onto life because I believe you care because i no longer belive that. I no longer think I matter. I do believe all human life matters to you and i do appreciate the time we have spent together. I do still care about you. I have shed many tears with you and treasure and remember all we have talked about. I sometimes think that some of the care you showed me was fake now that you so quickly have turned away from me and no longer seem to care. Well I still care but I cannot stay alive and live in misery just to keep you satisfied as you will move on you will get another client. It is your career and job and you will find another person in need of your services. I thank you for all we have done together I really have enjoyed our many talks and times we spent in the elements of nature and peacefulness and quietness of life. I am glad I was able to finally begin to let someone in even if it was just here and there or glimpses I started trusting which is something I did not do much of in my life and when I have in the past it has never gone as far as it had with you. you broke walls many have been unable to do and you are good at what you do. I am glad I was able to have had these just under 11 months with you and want to thank you for all the time and effort you put into me Thanks.

Joyce  you walked away from me after befriending me and saying you cared. You claimed you were there and would be but then you ignored me. You were kind and caring and then you disappeared and did not care how that effected me nor what I felt about that. thanks for all you did and the care you gave me.

Betsey  many times you helped me through difficult things you talked with me and sat with me. You went to visit my kids with me and even went to court when I supeonored you. You supported me through many difficult times over these last few years and have always helped me when I need you. you are always cheery when I come to chat and smiling when I see you. When I call you talk with me and if I stop by you make time for me. You have no longer been there. You  no longer seem as if you care. many people do this though I know if I saw you outside you would stop and chat and give me a big hug it just seems as if you are no longer here for me. Thanks for the time your were available and all that you did for me.

Meghan  not too much i should say here as things are not very clear in my mind as to what happened but I know you were there for so much of my battle and struggle. You were available for me inpatient and out and you pushed me to work but I did nothing. I did not allow myself to do what was needed. though you did push me to begin the work that still needs to be done you help that process it will never get done. It was you who battled and fought for me many times advocating for me and my treatment. It was you who spent time talking to me and going to court with me and you even worked it out for me to visit my children while receiving treatment. You did alot for me then you just walked away from and I felt abandoned and hurt. I felt you no longer cared and never really did. You probably never did but yet you put alot of effort into me and my battle. you spent alot of your tim and your time was not worth me. you should have spent it on someone worthwhile. Anyways thanks.

Marianne  we spent more than 4 years together and you spent the hardest years of my life that I ever had to go through trying to make me work through things and face things in order for me to stabilize and get somewhere so that I could have what i wanted. Happiness which would have been stability with my children. But I fucked it all up. I battled you and fought with you tooth and nail but you stood by me. You tried to help me. You tried to show me you cared though it was weird ways of showing it you tried the best you could. I pushed you away more and more. You stuck by me. You went to court with me. You stood by me after court you fought for me for treatment. You battled with me to get outpatient treatment. you claimed you cared but I am not sure you did. though you stood by me wasting your time. it was your job. I was a client and it was your job to claim you cared but it was not your job to stay with me all day as you did once and to help me find a place to go and help me get my stuff and to drive me to where I needed to go as you did at some point. It was not your job to waste your time on me. it was not your job to waste countless effort on me even when I said I did not want to see you anymore. So then why did you. it seems you may have cared somewhat but yet I never felt you cared. I never felt you had time to care about me. I never felt I mattered to you really. I never felt it would matter if I was dead or alive to you. I never felt it would make a difference to you. Just as it feels now. it feels as if you have just moved on and probably gotten someone new and do not even wonder how I am doing or if I am ok. I am not even sure if you worry if I am still alive or not. well thank you for standing by me in court and fr the effort and time you spent with me the last almost 5 years.

To anyone else I have missed if I am important enough to you all to remember e then I am sorry I did not mention you as most people in my life appear and act as if they do not care and I do not and never have mattered to them. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone by any of this or if I have harmed anyone in my lifetime that I was unable to make amends to. I hope that everyone can understand that it is better for everyone if I am gone than for me to continue on and make everyone suffering with my misery and desires to die.