new ideas and desires, new goals

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ok so I have some new things I am looking at and think I want to work on in my life. One of which is my lack of being able to communicate face to face with verbal words with others. It is even hard with the person in my life that I trust the most and she is the person in my life who has never hurt me purposely nor tried to harm me in anyway and cares a whole lot about me I think. It still interferes greatly in my communication and emotional responses to things she says or the thinking process of my life. And so I have decided this is something I really want to work on and address with her. But after doing it in my relationship with her and being able to effectively verbally communicate with her I want to be able to verbally communicate effectively with others in my life and then take it a step further and verbally communicate with everyone.

Then there is the goal that I have decided to work on the building of my life story and work through and process my memories of my childhood and my life leading up till now that has left me to who I am now. I have decided to do this by processing it with pictures, writing, and talking through it. I need to go through the emotions, the thoughts, the experiences that I have avoided feeling, the grief and pain of the losses, the shame, the sadness, along with some of the joys that I did not experience back when i should have. i have decided that I need to be bale to do this at my pace but also with the help from someone else with the urge to move through it instead of avoiding it and running from it when it gets too much for me as I have done in the past. I want to work through it and get through the tunnel of darkness and find the light at the end. I want to experience what others claim I can someday find. i want to someday have the hope that is buried inside me that at times I see glimpses of and it disappears faster than it came and I sometimes believe it was never there. I want to take responsibility for my part of my life where i am responsible for and leave blame and responsibility on the people who are to blame and who were responsible for their parts on them but yet it is hard when the responsibility feels as if most of it was mine and so this is something I really want to work on and adjust in my mind and determine and decide who is responsible and why or why not I am responsible as others claim some of it I am not responsible for but i believe I am and so I feel conflicted. Then there is also my own childrens neglect and the abuse they experienced that I want to work on and work through. I want to trust enough to let my guard down and allow someone to help me through this without doibng what I do best and running and using techniques such as getting angry with that person, finding ways to sabotage the relationship, trying to force them into to leaving, trying to find away into needing to be put away, sabotaging my life, becoming too emotionally unstable and suicidal by triggering anxiety, getting involved in other people’s chaos life issues drugs self-injury or anything to help me avoid facing and dealing with what I truly need to and at this time want to work on. And so as I sit here and write this knowing that though I will at some point battle and fight this I know it is what is needed and what is in the long run best. I know it is what is needed for me to become who ultimately I desire to become. I know it is the way I am going to find the light and the hope i need in life otherwise I may end up dead. And so I need to start working on this stuff. I am taking a stance as I have begun this journey though scary I have started. I took pictures of some of the places I have lived and some of the places where some abuse started, took place, where I whored around as a 12-year-old, where I lived with my kids, the house my husband and i lived when each of our children were born, and some other places that i cannot remember at this moment but some significant places and I plan on making posts on a different blog with each of the pictures and the memories that go along with these pictures. I plan on shedding many tears and coming through this stronger and hopefully more hopeful and with much more purpose in life.

I do not write any of this for anyone else except for myself. I write this with hopes that someday i can look back at it and say WOW I have come so far but if someone reads it and they say WOW I feel that way i am not alone I understand that I am glad there is someone else out there that understands how I feel I though I was alone… I too am glad. As so many times when I think to myself there is no one else who could possible understand and that no one else feels the way I feel, and no one else has ever experienced any pain like I have or that I am so different and so unique I get online and find others like myself, suffering in silence, suffering and alone feeling as if they will never be understood, and never get anywhere, never have meaning or purpose in life, there is no reason to keep going, and why should I keep going on. Why am I breathing. So If someday someone like myself reads my blog even if it is only one person and it helps them feel not so alone and know they are not alone in their feelings of hopelessness, shame, and pain then I guess it was not a waste of time. But in the end none of this is truly a waste of time to begin with because when i someday look back at all this that I have written. I will have a map of how long my journey was and how far I came on this journey and not everyone has that. Not everyone has a record of their life as I will have and not everyone wants one. Maybe then I wont want it or I wont need it and I will erase it of delete it. But for now I believe it is important to my future and so I write it and I keep it.

Another thing I have decided to do is to try to make an effort to say what I mean instead of using wording as a means of verbally escaping my emotions. For example I have been going through alot of emotional distress lately with witnessing some things I would have prefered not seeing and then feeling as if nothing was done about it and then becoming angry about it with someone else. Then my worker leaves on vacation and she leaves me when I am angry with her. Then I leave on vacation in an angry state but not really wanting to go just going to satisfy my family and to do what I am supposed to do to be normal i guess you can say. But yet I still am feeling angry inside me and I am trying to just stay numbed emotionally and pretend life is good and just avoid feeling much. Then the first day we get up north my son starts his shit and pulls a power struggle over a situation that is somewhat similar to and triggering back to somewhat of what was enraging me in my home state where I was on vacation from. And so he threatens to leave me and then has my mom pick him up and asserts the fact he has control over me not me having control over him. And so I felt as if I just wanted to come home and do not even want him to come home with me. He created more rage and anger inside me. That is still there but yet I have had to just leave it there for now and it is stuck there not really sure where to put it what to do with it or how to handle it. then my siblings my brother and sister are dealing with their own issues surrounding neglectfulness and abusiveness of their children that causes me anger/rage and alot of jealousy to be honest that I do not have my children but yet these people have their children. it does not seem fair and sometimes make me want to blow the world up if possible but I know it is not and that my kids are in the world and do nto want to hurt them. then I get a speeding ticket while I am up there trying to drive and read a mapping took a wrong turn and was doing 39 in a 25 and not wearing a seat belt. well I learned a lesson so far. I now wear my seat belt and am trying real hard at monitoring my speed and am not speeding. I then came back really enraged and now am just coming down from that rage. But I have decided to no longer when going through something like this that I am going to try hard not to try to escape it nor talk about escaping it by wanting to run to the hospital or move out or state. I desire to move from where I am but yet I also know that it is prominent when I am trying to escape my anger and rage.

I know there are more services in different states but I know I am not going anywhere so then why continue to use that as a distraction and concern others by trying to avoid my emotions by saying i want to move. yes I sometimes feel like I need to go into the hospital but that for the most part is because that is what I am used to. I am not used to facing things. I am used to going into the hospital to fix things and avoid facing things. I am used to using the hospital as my way of escape from myself and most of the time it works because I get to become aggressive and angry and be put in restraints and fight people and it releases this anger I feel inside physically and most times I go in there after releasing some of the anger on myself either by a suicide attempt or by self harming and so this is a step for me to work on facing the anger but really unsure what to truly do with it if i do not do anything to myself and i do not release it by fighting others who are trying to restrain me and hold me and control. I am trying to work on myself here and this is new.

There is some contentment with these new desires and some confliction. there is a lot of fear and insecurity. I am unsure I truly trust anyone fully though there is a person I trust alot I fear being hurt all the time and fear that everyone on my life has always walked away or eventually leaves and so why would this person be any different especially since she is in the field she is in and I am the person I am. People get sick of me. People decide I am not wort their time. People decide I am a hopeless case and I am a waste of life so what makes me think she is any different. These are the thoughts I want t change but yet they continue to overwhelm me and cause me anxiety regularly.

 

email i sent about my distress and self destruction

 

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down
and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

 

My conflictions with my worker

Worries & Concerns In human life and mental re...

Worries & Concerns In human life and mental relationship in form of a Mind Map. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wonder how it is that one week my support worker and I could have such a good week and the week before we had a week filled with anger and rage so much that I thought I would never be able to face her without feeling so much hurt and resentment from my past and taking it out on her. Then it exploded inside of me and came out not without truth to what I was saying to her but what she felt was misdirected at her though to me there was much truth the rage was misdirected the subject that was at hand was the trigger of my rage but gave me no right to direct that anger and rage towards her. I wish I could take it back but cannot.

Now I sit here feeling hurt again as she blew me off in a way, though we had talked about her not coming today earlier in the week and I offered her to not come tonight so she could visit with her son since she was going out-of-town where he lives but she said she would let me know. Then as she left my house last night she said she would be over tonight. Though now she blew me off. I even texted her about something that has been on my mind most of the day and I was going to talk to her about when she came and she did not respond. That was more than an hour after she was supposed to be here. Then I called her more than 2 hours after she was supposed to be here and she did not answer. It is these times that I tend to worry something happened to her and her family while driving because they drive so many places and on trips alot and worries me. I always worry she is going to e gone out of my life, that something is going to happen to her. Especially in times like this when she ignores me or she blows me off which is not that often that she blows me off most of the time she easily tries to explain it away as a misunderstanding. But it worries me alot.

Then I also feel hurt that she had told me that she would be here tonight and did not show up and never called me and now did not respond to my text or answer my call. It is like she purposely is now ignoring now that she did not show up. then she will usually use some excuse about her phone being dead, or that she left it in the car, or it was downstairs on the charger, or she left it at home, or that she just realized she missed my call. I just do not understand how it is that she tries so hard to get me to trust her and then hurts me like this. She tries to make me believe that I am cared about and I matter then she does stuff like this that only proves to me I don’t and that she does not really care and that I do not matter and that it is more of a job to her than she claims now than it was a year ago when we began to work together. Even her whole attitude and emotional aspect towards the work has changed. It is like she no longer has the passion she had when I started working with her. Maybe I fucked it all up. Maybe I burned her out and should just walk away and let her get her passion back so she can help others.

She really is a great worker and I really messed things up. Maybe it is just me she no longer truly wants to work with though she says she does and she claims to really care about but yet it just feels especially at times like this that she is blowing me off and does not care how it affects me or what outcome comes from it. Well owell guess it really does not matter. Guess it only matters to me. It does not truly matter to her.

My day and odd fear and panic tonight

 

Today has been an odd day for me. It started out waking up early as it has been normal as of lately which is actually early for me but normal for me lately. Then I went out to the garden and worked on clearing the garden plot of the diseased plants and dumped the potato bucket that I thought was growing no potatoes in it but it had some in it and i ruined the growh process and so the potatos i got are real small. So I decided the potatoes i did get I am going to try to replant and get some bigger potatoes from the small ones. I also am preparing to plant some brocoli seeds, cabbage seeds, greens, squash, and some more green beans for the second crops of the season.

Then I spent some time on the computer and read several very interesting articles today. I alos labeled several pictures I had taken on vacation of my picture timeline of some of my life events. Some of it was hard to look at and go over some of the memories and of course some of the memories I skipped over and did not label nor view the picture. instead I quickly did the ones I could handle and when it became too much for me I suddenly felt overwelmed and tired and went and layed down to rest a while. Then my worker came.

We took a ride to a campground were we plan on going camping on the night of august 11th and sitting in front of the campfire and going out of a boat fishing and hopefully I am able to just let go of the outside life and leave everything else behind and just enjoy things. There has been so much anger within me lately I am sick ofit I just want for it to go away and for my walls to not be so thick and for them to come down a little as they had before. i had let them down before. My worker had earned her trust and worked hard at proving she was trustworthy enough for me to let my walls down but I quickly got scared and built them back up thicker and higher. I wish they were not there somedays as I want to get through the inner pain and experience joy with life. I want to experience inner peace, contentment, and happiness. I want to be okay with me and satisfied with who I am.

Then we came back to my house and chatted a while and as she was getting getting ready to leave I felt as if I had regressed. I did not want her to leave. I did not want her to go home. I wanted to go home with her. I thought she might never come back even though intectually I knew she would be back monday and I would see her then a Fear came over em that I was losing her and that she was leaving. I felt sad. I wanted to go with her for some reason. I asked her if I could go and she said no which I knew she was going to but yet I wanted to go. I did nto want to stay home. I was going to miss her and she was only going home to her house accross town for the weekend. As she pulled out the driveway I felt the tear come out my eye and walk away. I also felt stupid and unsure what was going on with me. I knew I was acting stupid and felt very emotional but yet was unsure why and was not sure why I was so attached at that moment as I had been so very angry with her for the past few weeks. This felt very strange and odd to me. I felt overwelmed by her leaving tonight and saddened. I almost felt as if I was losing her and I am not sure why. I felt a panic and cried when I came in the house. I felt like a stupid little child. I was crying for no reason. Well atleast I hope it was for no reason but I guess time will tell come Monday when I am scheduled to see he.

 

triggered emotions but unsure what lots of thoughts

 

Today was my nieces birthday. We had a party for her. There was lots of family there. My sperm donor even showed up. It was really difficult for me since I had not seen him since my youngest child who is now 6 1/2 years old was about a month old. I got to see m,y baby sister who is 12 years old also but we did not say much to each other though I said bye and gave her a hug before I left. while they were there and I was still there I retreated downstairs to my sister’s room to work on her computer as I felt very uncomfortable and really did not want to be around them.

First off he sat next to me and did not even acknowledge me for about 5-8 minutes after getting there. then he says oh hi did not recognize and realize that was you. He then went about chatting with everyone else. About half hour later he introduces me and the rest of us to his friend who drove him there. It was then that I eased my way downstairs into retreat. I disappeared until it was time for me to leave. I then said my goodbyes. that may have been my final goodbye to him and I kept it simple and really did not even hug him but vaguely as I do not love him nor have any positive feelings for him. I have no respect no sympathy for him and do not really care that he is dying. I really do not care. I honestly will not cry and I will not attend his funeral when he passes away as I do not consider him to be my DAD nor do I consider him even worthy enough to be called a father to me. He is nothing but a SPERM DONOR. I wish and hope that someday I am able to even prove he is not even that to me as they is a slight possibility he is not even that to me. I can only hope and pray he is not but I cannot be that lucky. Maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to be told I was never his and I am my mothers first true loves child who is also her current husband and they are happily married after being separated for 30 years and leading separate marriages and lives they got back together and got married. I hope and wish I am his. But they wont help me find out and I am not sure why they wont. I od not want to be my sperm donors nor do I want to be the other possibility who is a child molester and messed up my life and molested my mom, my brother, and many others including me as a child. I want to be her current husbands who was her highschool love. But unfortunately I am never that lucky in life. I am never good enough to have been his. Maybe I am the child molesters and that is why she has hated me and abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically my whole life. Maybe that is why she hates me and treats me as an outcast. Maybe that is why she has always shown the other 3 kids of hers more love and that they are cared about but yet has shown me hatred. Maybe I am the makings of the evilness of the child diddler who also fucked up my life as a young child. The one who she allowed near me after he had molested her as a teenager. So in my opinion she caused my molestation and my brothers. She allowed it to occur knowing what he had done to her she should have never allowed him near us never mind alone with us.

Why is it that so many people live in denial as to their responsiblity in a child’s life. Why is it that people believe that they have no responsibility in what happens to children if they did not do it themselves. what if they knew about it? What if they saw it happen? What if they did nothing about knowing about it or seeing it? Would they not be somewhat to blame for that childs difficulties as they got older since they could have put a stop to it or helped that child get away from it or get help for it? Why is it that so many people turn a blind eye or think that is not their duty, responsibility, or job to protect, help, or save a child from abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, emotional, or mental abuse? Why is it so many people can claim to be against abuse but yet do nothing about it or turn around and do the very things that they claim they are against? Why is it that some children and families receive help and take advantage of the system and others do not get any help? Why is it that some families secrets are kept hidden and the children end up fucked up and damaged the rest of their lives like me and then others get help and are oka and able to go on living productive un eventful forgiving resentful manageable stable lives? Why can’t I have my kids? Why can’t I see my kids or have pictures of them? Why cant I just hear their voices? I just want them in my lives. I just want to be in their lives. I miss them alot!

 

current happenings…

well my son started his shit already tonight and decided he wanted to play my mother and i against eachopther. well whatever if this is what he really wants that is fine. I really do not even want to be here. I want to go home and i have not even been up here for 12 hours yet. I just want to go back to my home and be alone. I want to be by myself and he can stay here where he wants to be. As far as I am concerned he can stay here and never come back.

I have had alot of thoughts through my ride up here with my mother including thinking about her denial of the past way she treated me and how I am going to work on it and be able ot move on from it and wondering if I will ever be able to work through it and get on with my life or will i always be effected by it and never truly be able to live without some tyoe of effect from it and damage caused by the forms of abuse I went through during different periods of my life. The trauma I was subjected to in the past most definately effects my current life and relationships and definitaly effects and causes me anger regarding other people and their treatment of their children. I have alot to face and work on if I ever get up the courage to face and deal with it head on. But I am unsure that will ever happen as there is not really anyone in my life I guess i can trust.

The anger I feel

This week has been a very different week for me though yesterday and today has been rough it has not been easy it has been okay. Today has been difficult but I have almost made it through and the day is almost done. I am going to write this and then lay down as I have an early morning with a friend of mine needing some help and picking me p at 7 am to go help her start packing up her house.

I did do some writing this week but did not post them to my blog yet as some of it is sensitive material and some f it just may not be appropriate for the public’s eyes though I may just post them just for some feed back as tonight has been difficult for me as I have obsessed over yesterdays incidents and it boiled over into today and ended up contributing to an already difficult time for me. Instead of managing it as I planned I allowed my emotions to get in the way and was unable able to stay in control of myself and let myself not stay silent as I had said to myself I was going to do last night. I was hoping I was going to handle saying goodbye to my mental health worker as she left for vacation but instead my anger, which really has nothing to do with, or relationship got in the way. A big part of it s the fact that goodbyes are not good for me and separations are not good for me as it is hard for me to trust people will come back as so many people have left me behind and so many people have lied to me in the past. So many people have betrayed me. However, I allow things with other people to interfere in my treatment and I allow her reaction and treatment methods of other clients to effect my emotions and trust in her. I wrote about some of it last night. I may just move that post to another of my blogs as to not interfere with this one.

I was always involved in a system that failed me as a child. Now I sit and watch as the system failed to help me keep my family together. Yes, I had my faults. Yes, I got angry and frustrated at things my children did and how they behaved. I reacted at times in ways I wish I could have changed. I stayed in a relationship with my children’s father in which both of us should not have stayed together. We both were abusive towards each other, held resentments, had anger issues, and had no control over our emotions and reacted in abusive manners toward each other. Our abusiveness towards each other was harmful to our children, emotion and mentally. We were both neglectful in caring for the children’s psychological, mental, and emotional needs as we abused each other mentally, emotionally, and physically in their presence. My house was never clean and my children knew how to manipulate me to get their way most of the time. But I was a work in progress and I was always able to say I needed help, I could not do it by myself, I recognized the need for change in their lives even if things did not immediately change for the good I was always trying new things and making an effort to address what was happening in my home, I was honest with people, I never encouraged my kids to lie, I never told my kids they were liars, I never abused my kids or called them names or criticized them, and when my husband laid his hands on my children the 3 times I remember we got into severe physical altercations where I made a point to let him know I disapproved of my children being abused or disciplined physically in nature. I may not have taught my children the best ways of dealing with altercations as violence is never the best way to deal with anger and you should never tell a child not to hit and then hit but as I said earlier I had my faults and so I do understand some things to a degree.

I was raised in a system. My life consisted of being failed by the system and then the system failed to help me when I needed help in raising my own child and so the cycle continued with my children. Nevertheless, there are people who claim to want their children and then act as if they could care less about them. People anger me in the system who are there to help people change their lives and who should be protecting the children whether they are the child’s worker or the parents worker and instead they minimize the parent responsibilities and act as if it is the child’s fault what is going on. I feel as if I am reliving some of what I experienced in my own life and it is 27 years later when things have supposedly changed for the better in this world. People are supposedly better at recognizing the signs and effects abuse and neglect has on children and their responsibilities to the children in the world not just to the parents. It is not just a parents responsibility to raise a child nowadays it is the publics responsibility to protect that child if they witness that child’s abuse, neglect, or need for help.

Therefore, I have allowed myself to be hindered by some recent incidents that occurred and the anger seems to be over taken me. However, not just because of the events that occurred and in this moment I am sitting here able to recognize why I am so angered by what occurred. I am angered more about the fact that though I had many people in my life that could have helped me and should have seen what was happening and been able to protect me they did not. They could not read my mind. They could not help me because I stayed silent. I allowed the secrets to stay a secret and no one saw any of the signs or recognized my pain. No one helped me when I needed help as a child, as a teenager, as a wife, as a young mother, as a struggling, angry hurt distressed parent afraid to lose the only thing that mattered in my life. No one helped me. No protected me from losing my world, my life. They are gone. My life has been stolen. My life was stolen. I suffer a lot. Suffer many days. I do not suffer everyday as I did in the past but there are many days I suffer in silence. I still have many secrets that no one has ever cared enough to help me through. I still hold my secrets that I have held for many years and maybe I will die with them inside me. Maybe they will stay buried deep within or maybe someday there will be someone in my life with who I am able to work through this all and someday I will no longer get so angry over such issues, maybe I will not get so obsessed and feel so hurt when people do not care. Maybe I will care enough about myself and my life to make something of myself.