email i sent about my distress and self destruction


I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down
and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.



My Downfall

So I am beginning to have a downfall as the day gets closer. My thoughts are getting more focused on negativity and the positivity I am losing sight of. It is almost gone. i have been trying to keep myself busy and help others in my life but that has only made me more of a failure as everything I tell them I have been told and though the stuff I am saying to them is the right things to say and I am not just saying them for that reason I am saying them because I believe they are true for them but i cannot seem to get past the part where these things are right for others but not for me. Where others deserve to be cared about, loved, and need hope and should not kill themselves as there are many reasons they should not end their lives but for me there are many more reasons why people are better off with out me. There are many more reasons why I should end my life such as all the troubles I have endowed to my children through genetics and also through the neglect they endured the early years before being taking from me. The promise I made to them to go with the social workers and behave and I promised them I would get them back. But did  truly fight? NO! I gave up in reality… I quit. I am a quitter. If I had fought I would have won and got them back and gave them the life they deserved. The life I always said my kids would have. A life unfull of chaos, domestic abuse, trauma, abandonment, hurt, shame, pain, guilt, loss, instability, and abuse. These as I was growing up feeling, experiencing, and witnessing I swore my children would never go through and I would never put them through but yet my kids did and it was because of me they had to go through it. It was because I was weak and unable to stand up for them and what I believed that they should never experience. My kids are better off if I am dead before they come searching for me. I have been taking my medications but have decided to stop because the more I take on a daily basis the less I have for the final day.

The thoughts are taking over

So today I dropped. I am slipping. No more positivity though I am trying to hold on it is not happening. I am trying to not let the darkness of the depression take hold but it is. The negativity is taking control of me. The thoughts have crept in here and there throughout the day and I have pushed them away. I have told myself all day long I am not going to let myself fall back down. I am not going to let this get back down as it was though I knew I was fooling myself as I began to allow the thoughts of suicide to creep in here and there and then would push them away. I have pushed them from my mind all day long and this evening a few times I have entertained them.

I then tried to cancel my next appointment with my mental health worker which I am not really sure why I said it but as I said it and she asked why the thought came to mind that I need to distance myself from her. I need to detach as the day was coming. I need to let her go. Then quickly I told my thoughts to stop and said to her I would see her Saturday and we made plans on what we would be doing that day. I walked her out to her car and she drove away. After she left I stood there for a moment as I do most of the time. I looked to the sky and watched the lightning. It was amazing.

I made a phone call to a friend and then spoke with her for a bit and decided I no longer needed to take my medication because I will need them for the upcoming day when I take my life. Then she told me to promise I would take them though I had not told her I was not taking them for that reason I just told her I did not feel like taking them tonight I was tired and did not need them tonight. She said for me to promise and I did but I am not taking them because I need them for the upcoming day.

I may not go with my worker on Saturday. I may just stay home. I may just sleep all day and not open the door. I may just not respond to her phone calls or anyone else’s although what is going to suck is the landlord is coming that day and my brother also comes to pick my son up that afternoon and so I will not be able to really hide out because if I don’t answer the phone or door she will probably end up calling the cops or something and I do not want my landlord or my brother to see any or that or know what is happening. I really do not want to alert anyone as to what is going to happen soon. I am not going to be stopped this time. I already told her I will not call her this time once I have ingested the pills I will lay down and die peacefully in the elements of nature where I belong. I do not want to be saved and though I want to say goodbye a letter will have to do for everyone because no one can be trusted anymore. I will not call anyone not any mental health worker, not a hotline, not 911, nor family, not friends, and I will not call to say goodbye to anyone.

To therapists and treatment providers who have been in my life


There have been many professionals in my life from a very young age who have tried to help me and tried to nurture me into a healthy person. There have been many people who did their jobs and treated me as they were trained to do. there have been too many people for me to count and too many for me to remember but then there are those who have stood out for me and the ones who I have always remembered and who I have always kept in my mind and hoped they still cared. Some I have tried to contact and gotten no response and felt well I guess they never really cared then there are those who I have contacted and they have responded and still acted very much as they care still more than 10 years later. I wonder why some people work in the field of psychology and mental health if they truly do not care and are not invested in the future outcome of the very younglings they helped nurture even if that child turned out to be a failure and such an unstable wreck as I have. that is not their fault. It is not the people’s fault who were there nurturing the child although abandoning the child which is just part of being brought up by a faulty system is a failure to the child but that is not the mental health worker or professionals fault as they have lives and must live them and move through their own lives also as they are growing to. But do they ever truly wonder what happened to me. Most probably do not care as most do not respond when I contact them but the few that do are the few that I know cared and are the few that invested a great deal of time in me even if I did nothing in response to their efforts. Yeah most of the ones who respond are past therapist and not just staff members who worked with me but they are counselors who actually were invested in me individually and knew me more intimately than most but even those therapist really knew not much as I never really opened up. they knew what they read about me and what I expressed regarding what was going on with me in those periods of time when I was seeing them but they never were able to help me delve into my past and work through it. I never allowed them into my locked dungeons within my cemented underground secret rooms in my head that keeps my buried past. But these people cared and tried their best and invested so much time and wasted so much effort trying their best to help me open up and trust them to help me work through my dark past so I could get through it and see the light but I would not let them in. I guess they really cared as even to this day they still check in with me every once in a while knowing my life is still very much a struggle. Yes, it may be 2 people out of more than a couple hundred that have worked with me but 2 people care about me more than I believed really and I am trying hard to convince myself that those 2 people especially one of them really don’t as she does not hardly respond to me when I message her but once in a great while but every so often she does. The other more often but not so often as a friend would. But it says she cares. It says I matter though I try hard to convince myself I do not. It makes it easier to kill myself if I can believe that I do not matter to anyone and that these people are fakes.

recently I have felt my current worker in my life has been a fake. She had been really caring and acted as if I mattered and told me I mattered and that she cared and I meant something but yet as of the past 2 months maybe a bit less she has distanced herself been sort of unemotional uncaring and just seems as if she could care less whether I am dead or alive. it now feels like she is just like all those other people who have come in and out of my life who have forgotten me or have not responded to me when I have contacted them. It seems as if I were to die tonight she would move on and be unaffected though she says that is not true I am having difficulties believing her recently since  her coldness and I am not sure how to describe it but it just feels as if I am nothing to anyone.

Then there is my last therapist which I ended services with about 9 weeks ago and have had to call he crying and upset 2 or 3 times since we stopped seeing each other april 30th. overtime I call her she acts as if it is a bother to her me calling and is quick to hurry me off the phone even the one time I was very distressed and almost at a point of suicide. Have I ever really mattered to her. Did I ever matter to her as a person or was I just a client id and money for the agency. Did she even see and recognize me as human. Does my mental health support worker really see and understand I am human and have feelings and need to be loved and cared about even if no one in my family ever has or will love and care about me.

Why is it that everyone has always hated me and never loved me from the time I was born? Why is it that even people in the system who are trained to love, nurture, and care about people like me cannot love and care about me. Why am I so hated by everyone in life.

To the people who have been there and who have tried to care I thank you for your efforts. I am sorry I put you through all I put you through and refused to trust and accept the help you offered. I am sorry I could not be cooperative and work with you to help you help me have a better life. If I was able to do it I may not be making the Choice i am choosing to make in the very near future. I thank you for all your efforts and times. I am sorry I wasted it when you could have been helping others who deserved it more than I and who may have accepted it.

Donna  from Aug 1998 until May 2001 you struggled with me. I manipulated you and played many of games with you. I needed love and attention and you gave it to me. I need someone to rescue me and you did that. I need someone to constantly protect me from myself and from the dangerous situations I placed myself in and you did that. You consistently saved and rescued me. You tried to protect and save me from myself. You angered me many times by your controlling nature with your ability just to section me but yet we learned to work with that and I knew that would happen if i need it. Though I was in and out of the hospital sometimes up to 3 times a month in the beginning of seeing you you stood by me for the most part. You even set limits with me when things got out of hand but always came back and kept to your word. You were the first therapist I had that I began to open up to minutely even though I retreated really quickly as things were much to scary and I could not do it. I learned a bit of trust with you even if I was unable to trust you. You were the beginning of my learning there were really people in the real world that cared.

Chris  as I was an angry uncontrollable self abusive aggressively violent towards other people teenager you were there trying to help me understand that anger towards others and myself. You were there trying to get me to learn better ways of expressing it. You were there trying to get me to talk about those things and why I had all those things inside me that still to this day I still wont talk about for the most part. You were there and helped me gain enough control to make it out of the locked facility and not end up in the state hospital when that was the only option left. You were there cheer leading me when no one else really believed I could do it because I had been unable to control myself and had chosen to not control myself the whole 3 years I had been there before given the ultimatum. It was you who believed in me and stood by me. It is you who still today who responds to me when I catch you online and you have a few moments to spare to let me know you still care about me. I appreciate the time you invested and am sorry I wasted all the time and effort you put into me. I am sorry I never amounted to anything. I am sorry I was never able to become who I should have become and did anything of value with my life after all the investment you put into me and all the faith you place in me. I appreciate what you did for me. Thank you.

Jane  you are a very kind and caring person you are more caring and loving than any person has ever been too me. I learned what being really cared about was truly about for a while. I honestly believed you were different from all the other people who worked in the system then it all began to change. The distance set in and it began to feel as if I do not matter. I made commitments to not kill myself during times that would affect you when in fact it is really what I need to do. I do not want to hurt you because i truly care about hurting people I care about but I also realize that this is not about you this is about me and I cannot base my treatment nor my life on how it is going to effect you since in reality I am just a client and you are just my clinician. Though I felt as if you were more of a mother to me than my mother had ever been at some point now it feels as of you are just a treatment provider and you really don’t care. You care  about me as a human but not really individually. I am not important on an individual level so I no longer can base holding onto life because I believe you care because i no longer belive that. I no longer think I matter. I do believe all human life matters to you and i do appreciate the time we have spent together. I do still care about you. I have shed many tears with you and treasure and remember all we have talked about. I sometimes think that some of the care you showed me was fake now that you so quickly have turned away from me and no longer seem to care. Well I still care but I cannot stay alive and live in misery just to keep you satisfied as you will move on you will get another client. It is your career and job and you will find another person in need of your services. I thank you for all we have done together I really have enjoyed our many talks and times we spent in the elements of nature and peacefulness and quietness of life. I am glad I was able to finally begin to let someone in even if it was just here and there or glimpses I started trusting which is something I did not do much of in my life and when I have in the past it has never gone as far as it had with you. you broke walls many have been unable to do and you are good at what you do. I am glad I was able to have had these just under 11 months with you and want to thank you for all the time and effort you put into me Thanks.

Joyce  you walked away from me after befriending me and saying you cared. You claimed you were there and would be but then you ignored me. You were kind and caring and then you disappeared and did not care how that effected me nor what I felt about that. thanks for all you did and the care you gave me.

Betsey  many times you helped me through difficult things you talked with me and sat with me. You went to visit my kids with me and even went to court when I supeonored you. You supported me through many difficult times over these last few years and have always helped me when I need you. you are always cheery when I come to chat and smiling when I see you. When I call you talk with me and if I stop by you make time for me. You have no longer been there. You  no longer seem as if you care. many people do this though I know if I saw you outside you would stop and chat and give me a big hug it just seems as if you are no longer here for me. Thanks for the time your were available and all that you did for me.

Meghan  not too much i should say here as things are not very clear in my mind as to what happened but I know you were there for so much of my battle and struggle. You were available for me inpatient and out and you pushed me to work but I did nothing. I did not allow myself to do what was needed. though you did push me to begin the work that still needs to be done you help that process it will never get done. It was you who battled and fought for me many times advocating for me and my treatment. It was you who spent time talking to me and going to court with me and you even worked it out for me to visit my children while receiving treatment. You did alot for me then you just walked away from and I felt abandoned and hurt. I felt you no longer cared and never really did. You probably never did but yet you put alot of effort into me and my battle. you spent alot of your tim and your time was not worth me. you should have spent it on someone worthwhile. Anyways thanks.

Marianne  we spent more than 4 years together and you spent the hardest years of my life that I ever had to go through trying to make me work through things and face things in order for me to stabilize and get somewhere so that I could have what i wanted. Happiness which would have been stability with my children. But I fucked it all up. I battled you and fought with you tooth and nail but you stood by me. You tried to help me. You tried to show me you cared though it was weird ways of showing it you tried the best you could. I pushed you away more and more. You stuck by me. You went to court with me. You stood by me after court you fought for me for treatment. You battled with me to get outpatient treatment. you claimed you cared but I am not sure you did. though you stood by me wasting your time. it was your job. I was a client and it was your job to claim you cared but it was not your job to stay with me all day as you did once and to help me find a place to go and help me get my stuff and to drive me to where I needed to go as you did at some point. It was not your job to waste your time on me. it was not your job to waste countless effort on me even when I said I did not want to see you anymore. So then why did you. it seems you may have cared somewhat but yet I never felt you cared. I never felt you had time to care about me. I never felt I mattered to you really. I never felt it would matter if I was dead or alive to you. I never felt it would make a difference to you. Just as it feels now. it feels as if you have just moved on and probably gotten someone new and do not even wonder how I am doing or if I am ok. I am not even sure if you worry if I am still alive or not. well thank you for standing by me in court and fr the effort and time you spent with me the last almost 5 years.

To anyone else I have missed if I am important enough to you all to remember e then I am sorry I did not mention you as most people in my life appear and act as if they do not care and I do not and never have mattered to them. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone by any of this or if I have harmed anyone in my lifetime that I was unable to make amends to. I hope that everyone can understand that it is better for everyone if I am gone than for me to continue on and make everyone suffering with my misery and desires to die.


All needing said before I end it


As the time comes close I need for the people in my life to know I no longer can endure the emotions I feel nor the thoughts I have daily. i no longer can handle the anxiety and fear. i no longer want to continue living with the fear of not knowing whether or not my kids will truly seek me out and really want me in their lives. I no longer can handle missing the years I am missing with them now. I know there may be many years later in their life’s if I were to stay but if I stay here and await and they never want me in their lives then I have lived in pain for all those years suffering in silence and misery hurting others for nothing. I would rather leave this earth now and people grieve my loss than to continue making everyone else’s lives painful and miserable around me for the next at least 8-12 years only for them to still have to grieve the loss of me if I do not end up being able to have a relationship with my children then. Even then will I be able to be happy after losing them all those years and missing out on all that I missed out on. Even then will I be able to make it through their anger they have at me. will I be able to handle their anger at me not being there for them at me not being able to get my life stable to fight for them at me being able to not protect them from the system and the pain they suffered from the separation and loss. They are suffer just as I am if not more. they are experiencing abandonment just as I have in the past they are feeling the systems abusiveness just as I have and am. I cannot live much longer in this painfulness. I will no longer live this anymore. I will soon end this suffer for myself and my family and friends. I will no longer place people who are trying to and have tried to help me in the predicament of feeling helpless and not sure what to do to help me get to where I want to be. I will end everyone’s helplessness with me. I will end my suffering and along with that will help others come to terms with their own understandings of what I needed or did not need and hopefully I will help others in the future know that there is no understanding a mothers ambiguous loss. This is not the same as losing a child to death where you can eventually go through the stages of grief and eventually com to terms with it and move on. My children are out there. There are many children and almost every time I see children playing I look at them to see if one of them are my child. I want to sit outside of schools and watch the children as they go in and out of school to see if my child is going to that school. There are so many things I could be doing because there is not an end to my child’s life and my children are out there somewhere and I just cannot see them. It is just too much for me to keep enduring. I just cannot keep going through this. there are many things I cannot tell people for fear they may lock me up or say that I am a danger to children as I think about stalking and kidnapping my child that I do know where he is at. But yet when I think about it what kind of life would that be for him. How would he and I have to live? He would be unable to go to school. he would not be able to socialize. we would have to hide out in the wilderness and become hermits which would be unhealthy mentally and emotionally for him. I am not wanting to mentally or emotionally harm my child but mentally and emotionally the pain has gotten too much for me and I can no longer do this. I will no longer suffer in this pain or within this psychoticness I live. I live this way because I choose to not say anything to people even to the one person I feel is the only person I trust to any degree I have been unable to tell her some things for fear of being judge or put away in a state hospital and then being unable to follow through on ending this pain and so I limit some things I say. I filter it. I talk to her about the pain of missing them and the suffering of losing them and once I mentioned wishing I could kidnap them and live in the woods but that it was unhealthy but I do not tell that person how I have seriously entertained the idea and tried to plan it and had nightmares about it and being arrested for it. I do not talk to her about my fears that I may actually someday decide to do it because I cannot go on too much longer living without holding my children in my arms. So instead of causing my children pain and trauma I have decided I will prevent this. I will prevent everyone in my life any problems and prevent myself anymore pain and suffering by following through soon on the end.

I just want my children to know they were loved and I never wanted them to hurt. I never wanted for them to grow up the way they did . I always as I grew up said that I was not going to allow my children to experience what I experienced. I am sorry I failed them at that. I am sorry I was unable to protect you Autumn. Daniel I am sorry I was unable to shelter you from the emotional trauma and neglect you endured and that you had to experience the very same path I began at such a young age with going it a child residential for emotional difficulties. I only hope that you are able to use the help they offered and grow from it rather than oppose it and be angered by everyone who comes close to you and offers their care and love. I am sorry you have suffered the way you have so far in your short life so far. Autumn you are strong and as hard as the journey may be you were in such a hurry to get here into this world I know you will grow quickly through these struggles and become a strong woman. I wish I was there for you to hold your hand and wipe the tears away as you worked through the hard journey you are on but know I will be by your side watching you. Dakoata though you are small you are a tough little guy with the greatest of personalities. You are such a joyous little man and I know when you someday grow up you will understand and be a sensitive hardworking man and help your siblings realize how much they were loved and cared for by me. I love you dearly Kota. Winter you were my little girl my blessing though we did not have much time together and it was a difficult year you were my angel. My last born and such a tiny little one. I wish I was able to hold you more and that I was able to have had more time with you. I hope that you are blessed and Autumn and you are happy together. I loved you all.

Corey you were my first-born and all I have left as I make this decision. Though the years have been rough I want you to know you always have been loved and though this decision is being made it has nothing to do with you or anything you have done. You are a great young man and I want you to continue on with your life. I want you to make something of yourself. I want you to raise a family and settle down and have a wife someday. I want someday for you to seek out your brothers and sisters and build a relationship with them. I want you to love and cherish them as you will be their only link to me left. I want you to hold them and tell them about me and how much they were loved and how much I missed them. I want you to always remember them in your life and know they are your family. Never leave them behind or abandon them as my brothers do to me. please never treat your siblings as hateful as my siblings and I have treated each other and always remember the struggles we have endured to be together. I love you and am sorry. please know I am not doing this because of anything you have done or not do or because I do not love you. I am doing this because i am suffering and I do not want to keep making you or anyone else suffer because I am miserable. please remember this is not always the way to deal with things in life and it is not the answer to problems in life. But I see no other way to change things in life for you, me, or anyone else in my life or in the future. Things have been like this for many years and very rarely have their minutely felt better. though they sometimes have minutely felt better though only have for a day maybe or less than that. I am sorry for the pain I will cause you and anyone else. I want you to move on from this and follow whatever path of goals you desire though I like your thoughts of joining the marines I want you to do what will make you happy. bye I love you.


Depressed and suicidal

Today was an emotional day including feeling suicidal and a desire to end my life today. Today I tried to convince myself i was okay but yet I was not ok. I was emotionally distressed and falling apart. I really wanted to just not care about the commitments I have made to the people I care about and say that it should not really matter to me what happens as once i am dead it is not my problem how they will feel or what they will endure when I kill myself. I was really feeling depressed and being selfish I guess. I guess after thinking this way today I can say that suicide is somewhat of a selfish act although in some ways it would be less painful if people no longer had to endure the pain regularly and only had to face the pain of me doing it getting it over with and them grieving and moving on from it. yes maybe here and there they would shed a tear but they would be able to breathe easier knowing it was over with and they no longer worried about it or had to think about I was or was not going to do it or not. Today I really just wanted to take back my commitments that I would not do it from now until atleast the middle of July. Today I really just felt the need to do it. Then I began to just want to do it on the day I originally wanted to do it when I had decided to make the first commitment to not do it. The day I lost my parental rights to my children forever. The day my life changed and my battle ended. The day my life felt as if it ended and I died. i made the commitment to someone who has been there for me and shown me I matter and she cares more than my own mother has shown me but yet now that it feels as if I do not matter anymore and she no longer cares as she claimed she did about me I no longer feel the commitment is as important for me to keep and is it really valid anymore since when I made the commitment it was under false pretenses and fakeness. Would it really matter whether I broke the commitment? Today I have cried and shed many tears. today I have missed my babies and wanted to hold them. Today I desired to have them with me. Today alot of memories have come through my head and alot of pain has run through my heart. I have missed them greatly over the past few days and I have yearned to hold them in my arms. I will never have them as they were when i lost them and I will always miss their childhood years. i will never get back the school years I am missing and I will never be able to make up them firsts I was never able to see or be there for them. I will never be able to gain these years back even if I survive the pain of these losses and someday am here awaiting them when they are adults, I will never be able to make these years up for them or get any of what i am missing back. I am losing out on alot. It feels so unbearable and I am torn between being a survivor and trying to stay strong and keeping hope never giving up and awaiting them when they grow up and ending my pain and hoping they understand and realize all I desired for them and wanted and what I endured and strived for in their lives. Alls I continue to do is cry today and feel stuck and unsure but know I do not want this pain and cannot seem to feel any happiness in life. i want the pain to end or I want my life to end. if the pain does not subside then I must take my life. How long until I give in? When will I have the courage and finish my life? When will I finally be able to end the misery of life? I want to die!

Alone on a dark journey search for the light of help

Alright so I think there are alot of things in my head. I know that as far as they can tell there is nothing wrong with my heart but yet I think I am going to die in my sleep of a heart attack. As my chest tightens and it just seems somewhat suffocating but yet I still am breathing when this happens. It is not an every night thing nor does it happen in an order that I can tell when it will occur. I know I have shortness of breath but that could just be that I am fat or that I smoke. I do not know I think I am realizing it is all in my mind as I was preparing to lay down a bit ago when all a sudden it began happening. I feel as if my chest is caving in as if there are cement blocks on it. it has to be anxiety. But anxiety from what. I am not thinking of much nor am I worried about a whole lot. I mean there is a lot of things I am worried about lately such as my son and my ability to be the mother I want to be for him instead of this angry person snappy and irritable as I have been lately. I know he opened the letter about having to go to the Geometry SOL summer academy and he is probably not going to want to go but he has to. He is in day treatment camp currently and I need to get him a physical soon as he has not been to see the doctor and he has no more inhalers so I must get him in there. I must also change our address and apply for cooling assistance along with call uva to check on his referral. Then there is my desire for things to change and a beginning step is for me to stop immediately using my desire to kill myself as an escape and means to avoid dealing and talking about things. i also need to try to not immediately think and obsess about committing suicide and look for other alternatives when distressed. I do not know I stay here tonight wishing things would change and though it is anxiety provoking to think about change nevermind trying to change it is frustrating and distressing for me to feel stuck and as if I am going nowhere. Am I really ready to stop using the word suicide as my escape from everything? Am I really ready to believe there is something in struggling and fighting to live rather than submitting to failure and death? Is there really reasons out here for me to keep going? I do not know I am somewhat afraid of the answer but know the misery I keep going through and repeating day after day and week after week is not helping nor is it getting me very far. I know there is more to life I just feel as if it is unobtainable and no matter what I do or how much I try I will never get there. I want it to end and to do more than just survive. i want to live. I want to have inner joy, hope, and happiness. I want to not be so angry at life, the world, myself, and other people in my life. I want to set goals and obtain them. I want for people to care about me and stop walking out of my life and leaving me so lonely. I want people to understand me and the burdens I live with. I want to get somewhere. Where that is I am unsure of. But I know where I am at is not where I want to be. I need for be people to help me. I need for people to recognize my struggles and help me through them rather than act is if they are not valid or important. I need for people to care. I need to be motivated more and even when I see no reason or point in doing anything I need to do them anyways. But how do I obtain all that is need and all that I desire. How do I get from down here in the depths of misery and burden to the top where the sun shines and the happiness is found? Is it possible? There is so much things I regret and so much shame I live with that it seems next to impossible for me to ever see the possibility of feeling happiness more than sadness, hurt, pain, misery, and anger. It seems as if I am destined to die this way but yet at this time I do not want to. I want more out of life. I want more for my child and when my other children seek me out I want to have gotten somewhere. But where is the light to get me through the darkened shadowy never ending tunnels I am stuck in. Is there any hope of finding a glimpse of light to help me through the impending pits I live in on a regular basis? I am not so sure but yet I need to find some. I need help before it’s too late. I need to save myself as no one will ever save me. No one has ever rescued me from the dark in my past and no one will ever do it now. So I guess I am on my own on a journey to the unknown.