I awoke this morning in the midst of a dream I was having which is odd. It is very odd actually. Lately, I have been having dreams lately and before I either did not dream or do not recall dreaming. Lately, I have been waking up from them and they are more of emotional dreams.
Anyhow, this dream had my old worker who at some point became my friend and is no longer my friend. We have not been friends now for about 19 months. it also included my new worker. I don’t recall why they were on the phone together or how they were involved in conversation but for some reason they were discussing the fact that I am not as dysfunctional as the new worker believes and the old worker was arguing with the new worker that I am more normal than people in the mental health system think but when I am going through a dysfunctional state I am dysfunctional as can be. the new worker continued to argue I was sick with an illness and the old worker argued I wasn’t sick as people think. I awoke with them arguing on the phone with no recollection as to what the dream was about besides the fact of this phone argument.
Today was mostly a productive day although I did not get all I had wanted to get done I did get alot done.Yesterday I got most of the kitchen done but still had the dishes to finish today and still have not finished them. Did do some shopping which I had planned to not do until I got back from my trip up north to visit with the so-called “family“. We can pick and choose our friends but we cannot choose our family and so I guess they are my family and I must accept that at some point though I do not have to like it nor do I have to accept their behaviors or attitudes towards me. I did buy myself some new hair bleach and dye. So I am in the process of bleaching it as I type and plan on dying it once i return from my trip. I cannot dye it the bright fuchsia I bought before going on my trip as I will be criticized by my mother but do plan on shaving the underside of my head before going like possibly tomorrow and know my mother will have plenty of comments regarding that but I will just have to ignore her and know I have a right to look the way I want to look.
I got my living room done today and vacuumed with my new vacuum cleaner but did not get the dishes done. I cut the wood for my book shelf I need that I will try to put together tomorrow so I can unpack my books before leaving on my trip. I am doing my laundry over the next few days and will hopefully have everything in its place, unpacked, hung up and done before I leave so when I get back there will be nothing needing done.
My son has decided he does not want to come home with me when I come home in 2 weeks and so he plans on staying until very end of July at latest 2nd of august. As he needs to be back for an appointment august 3rd. So I will be alone for a couple of weeks which i hate. I hate being alone just on weekends when he stays at my brothers even when it is just Saturdays but the whole weekend kills me now what will I do for 2 weeks by myself. Think I may go crazy from my loneliness.
I tried to rototill my garden today so that I can rearrange it before I leave for my trip but was unable to keep the rototiller running long enough to do anything with it so will try again tomorrow. I want to move my tomato ad pepper plants so that I can weed the corn and green plants that I cannot get to because the tomato and pepper plants are in the way. i cannot even get to the green beans to pick them and so I must move the tomato plants atleast but cannot till the space where I want to put them without the rototiller and it does not want to stay stared for some reason. It is so frustrating to me. It seems everything I want to do and planned on doing in the next few days before leaving does not want to get done or is not supposed to be done. And so instead I watered and fertilized the garden tonight which I had not planned on doing until tomorrow and then i planned on putting some pesticide on it before leaving Tuesday evening which I will still do. But hopefully I am able to get these plants moved.
I still have mine and my sons room to complete and the dishes to get done and about 2 more loads of laundry to finish before leaving but should be able to finish all that as long as I stay motivated which seems I am lacking today.
Though I am not depressed I am still having a motivation problem and having an issue with personal care which was never really a problem for me in the past but has grown to be a problem over the past couple years I guess. It is something I really need to work on and would like to work on. I need to make a better conscious effort on working on it I guess. I use to be overly self-aware of personal care and shower too much and be obsessive about cleaning my walls and things all being in their places but not now. Now things just pile up. Now things don’t have places. Now things just get thrown around. Now I can go days without showing and not even realize it. The depression really lowered my self-care and personal standards and I really want to change the habits I have now formed. I would rather be how I used to be. i would rather be overly obsessive about it rather than not care and not recognize any of it for days or until things are too overwhelming for me to do anything about any of it.
All and all today was a productive day. I miss talking to my mental health worker already but she checked in with me and I know she made it safe and hope she is enjoying herself. She is an inspiration to me. She has made it a half century in life. That is an accomplishment in my opinion as I have difficulties believing that is possible for me to do and that I will make it that far. But I have more hope than I did a few weeks ago and now know I do not want my life to end at my own hands. I do not want to ever be where I have been before. I do not want to feel the way I felt a few weeks ago. I do not want to get to that point ever again in my life. I want more for myself and my life. I want to have hope and happiness. I want to live.
There are dark dark days where there seems there will never be any light and the day will never end. Then there are days like yesterday where some darkness appears and the clouds just hang there not wanting to fade away but by the end of the night the sky clears and the moon shines bright and the day ends okay. Then there are days like today where the whole day the sun shined bright and the stars could be seen from miles away. Nothing could make the day much brighter than it was today.
I had a very good day today got lots accomplished, did a good deed though not sure it was good for the little dog but it sure made the children happy to see their “pinky” and to have here home though the dismay the parents showed about the dog being home-made me disappointed we fond the owners as I would have brought her home and cared for her better than she was being cared for there, I know in my heart and it made feel better to see the brightness in those children’s eyes and the big smiles as they jumped up and down when I was walking up towards them to ask if they knew who owned her. We picked her up on the main road and searched for her owners for about 20 minutes maybe a little longer than that and I just wanted to keep her. I just wanted to hold her, love her, cuddle her, care for her, and show her she mattered. She seemed poorly cared for and needed a flea bath and her tail was all mangled with something but I would have got her help and cared for her. But I walked away from there saddened by the parents dismay but joyed by the children’s happiness. I had just made those 4 little kids day and they made mine. My worker and I had done our good deed for the day and I was proud.
We also went to lunch with a friend of mine and I really enjoyed the meal and atmosphere. We had good conversation and I had a great time with the 2 ladies. Then I also got a great many phone calls done that I needed to do to change, reschedule, and make appointments for both myself and my son. I trimmed some of the garden and watered it.
Then to top the day off my mother told me she was giving me the card back that I receive money on that I have been giving her to pay her back for the money she gave me for a major fuck up around my last suicide attempt. which gives me a great break as I owed her like $900 and she is saying I now owe her nothing because school is going to be starting for my son and he is going to need school clothes and supplies. She is giving me a break on like $300 and I really appreciate it and know that I do not deserve it especially after what I did the last week. Though it is not for me she is doing it though it relieve much stress off of me and will help me feel less anxiety as school is approaching and my son is growing into a man. And so I really appreciate this as I know she does not have to do this and I do not deserve it but it is going to help a whole lot as I struggle so much lately trying to make everything work and not have to let anyone know I cannot do it.
So though a week ago tomorrow there was no light in me dark pit of agony and my life seemed so hopeless I had decided to take and came the closest I had ever been. And if it was just a little while longer maybe 10-15 minutes longer before they found I would not have been here to enjoy this day. I came so close to not feeling any pain ever again but I also gain so close to never feeling any joy either. I would never have been able to brighten those children’s lives or provide fresh vegetables to my friend who has no one really in her life. I would not have been able to have lunch with my worker and other friend who is having so stressors of her own. And I probably would not be as motivated as I am right now to do the things I am do. I believe from this whole experience I believe I want to live and I need to find ways to help myself do that rather than looking for ways to escape life and the pain it has brought me. I believe I might have some hope in my life now and see somethings a little differently even if some days still get cloudy I don’t ever want to get to the point I was just under a week ago. I thought I had been there many times before that but that was different and that is what has changed things in me. At least for now and I hope that I stay able to keep some hope even if the darkness sneaks in on me again. TODAY was a GREAT DAY!!!
I need to work through my childhood secrets and put a voice to my past so others may get help from me having a voice a never have had. it may help them gain some hope from it. This is a difficult for me and I am hoping to really be able to work through alot of this stuff and get something from it all and hopefully am able to give back some hope to others who are like myself and have secrets hidden within afriad to give a voice to them. I know that with exposure brings more pain before the peace will come and sometimnes that is scary. For me this is not the first time I have tried to work through this stuff in life and I am sure it is not the last time but I hope it will help me and I will stick with it long enough for me to gain the strength others in the world have by letting the secrets out and working through the pain that I have run from and avoided for so many years. I want to be able to give back and cannot do that until I have done the work I need to do and gotten through what I need to get through before trying to help others get through the same kinds of issues. I want to be able to be others rock when they need a rock when they feel just as I have felt over the years. I am in therapy but never really have dealt with any of it as I should have done many years ago when I had the chance. But instead I avoid and ran from it all keeping it burried and hidden inside my soal. I also am hoping to really do some work with my therapist on this stuff and since I now have what I beliee is a supportive treatmnet team and very good and workable encouraging but assertive mental health support worker. She seems to be someone I need in my life right now. Someone who will help me get things that need to get done done and not let me avoid issues I need to work on. I have alot I need to do and work on in life so I can become who I want to become and with her in my life as a support I may just become who I have desire to be. But who knows maybe she will get sick of my lack of motivation or my negativity and gve up on me just as everyone else does. But we will see. I am hoping all this will help me find some inner peace and maybe some confidence in myself and in life. Maybe I will find some joy in life and possible some inner happiness.
>Letter to my youngest child June 10, 2009 Winter Each day that passes as you grow I wonder how you are. I have wondered about you for a while now and wish I was with you as you grew. I know that you were very young when all this separation occurred. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you. When you were born there were many things happening and there was so much chaos happening in our family. Dakoata was soon to turn 1 year and Autumn and Daniel returned home from foster care when you were 9 days old. During the transition for them to come home from foster there were many things going on and your father and I just had never been able to get along. I feel ashamed for not giving you the time as I was able to give to the other kids and I apologize for not giving you what you deserved and needed. You were a great baby although you just could not handle all that was happening around you. Deep inside it hurts me to know I was unable to care for you the way you needed and to keep things calm around you in order for you to develop and grow as you needed. I am sorry I was unable to be the mom you needed. Since that day that I lost you I have had many regrets for those 11 months we were together. There were many struggles and I know you need more than what I was able to give you. I can not take any of what happened back and I know you do not even know me as your mother. I never deserved to have children and sometimes wish I ad listened to others when they told me not to have anymore that the ones I had was enough. I do not regret having you. You are such a beautiful girl and I wish the best for all of you in the future. I only hope that your life is happy and full of joy as you grow. Things have not been easy for me and at times it has seemed somewhat bearable since losing you. But deep down is this emptiness and sorrow that can never be filled as hard as I try to lesson the pain I have I am still hurting. I know things are better for you without me and wish that you were old enough for me to explain all this to you when we parted our lives and went our separate ways. I still see your smile from time to time as you learn each new thing. I am sorry I had to give you a poor start to life which at this time is such a precious thing for you to have. I wish I could say the same for my life but I know your life is deserved. I wish you all the best in the future and want for things to be normal for you as you grow and with each new day steps closer to your goals and dreams that you may have or will some day have. You are a tough little girl and I love you so much. I want you to know and someday understand that the path I am taking is not the path I want for any of you kids. I never want for you to hurt and even think about doing anything that I am doing. I want for you kids to follow your dreams and enjoy life. It is too late for me but it is not too late for all of you. Keep those smiles on your faces and stay strong. Know in your heart I loved you so much and just could not handle being here without all of you. It has torn me and caused me heartache being separated from you and fearing never seeing any of you again. None of this is any of your faults as I have a hard time facing life and all that comes with it. I am not doing this to cause any of you hurt or sorrow but to give you all finality in your lives knowing I am not out here looking and waiting for you. I love you and your sister and brothers and wish you all the best. Love you Always, Mom