Angering

 

it is so amazing how much double standards run in my family and how my mother will take care of my siblings when there is drug abuse and dealing involved and save them but yet I am criticized and ridiculed and threatened when I fuck up. It is also amazing how she threatens to take my child from me who is almost an adult and is able to care for himself but children who cannot care for themselves are in the midst of this shit and she does not threaten my siblings because she knows they will keep them from her for good so instead she enables them and feeds their behavior and then rescues them.

You know it is funny that I have a worker who is doing the same thing with another of her clients and it angers me so much. She is enabling her abusive behavior and her neglect of her child. The worker makes excuses for the parents behavior and to a degree puts the blame on the child for the parents abuse and it is very angering to me. I understand now why it is so bothersome to me when I see it happening. It is angering because of my experiences with my family. it is also angering because of my jealousy of the other client of having her child and taking it for granted and not caring enough that she could not have him at anytime and how much it hurts to have that permanent void forever in my heart and mind. I also am angry at the system for not giving me the services she has and giving me the chances she gets as i would have been very satisfied and sure would not be doing the things she does daily and not think it is such a big deal. I sure would not think selfishly and put my needs and wants first as she does regularly.

 

triggered emotions but unsure what lots of thoughts

 

Today was my nieces birthday. We had a party for her. There was lots of family there. My sperm donor even showed up. It was really difficult for me since I had not seen him since my youngest child who is now 6 1/2 years old was about a month old. I got to see m,y baby sister who is 12 years old also but we did not say much to each other though I said bye and gave her a hug before I left. while they were there and I was still there I retreated downstairs to my sister’s room to work on her computer as I felt very uncomfortable and really did not want to be around them.

First off he sat next to me and did not even acknowledge me for about 5-8 minutes after getting there. then he says oh hi did not recognize and realize that was you. He then went about chatting with everyone else. About half hour later he introduces me and the rest of us to his friend who drove him there. It was then that I eased my way downstairs into retreat. I disappeared until it was time for me to leave. I then said my goodbyes. that may have been my final goodbye to him and I kept it simple and really did not even hug him but vaguely as I do not love him nor have any positive feelings for him. I have no respect no sympathy for him and do not really care that he is dying. I really do not care. I honestly will not cry and I will not attend his funeral when he passes away as I do not consider him to be my DAD nor do I consider him even worthy enough to be called a father to me. He is nothing but a SPERM DONOR. I wish and hope that someday I am able to even prove he is not even that to me as they is a slight possibility he is not even that to me. I can only hope and pray he is not but I cannot be that lucky. Maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to be told I was never his and I am my mothers first true loves child who is also her current husband and they are happily married after being separated for 30 years and leading separate marriages and lives they got back together and got married. I hope and wish I am his. But they wont help me find out and I am not sure why they wont. I od not want to be my sperm donors nor do I want to be the other possibility who is a child molester and messed up my life and molested my mom, my brother, and many others including me as a child. I want to be her current husbands who was her highschool love. But unfortunately I am never that lucky in life. I am never good enough to have been his. Maybe I am the child molesters and that is why she has hated me and abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically my whole life. Maybe that is why she hates me and treats me as an outcast. Maybe that is why she has always shown the other 3 kids of hers more love and that they are cared about but yet has shown me hatred. Maybe I am the makings of the evilness of the child diddler who also fucked up my life as a young child. The one who she allowed near me after he had molested her as a teenager. So in my opinion she caused my molestation and my brothers. She allowed it to occur knowing what he had done to her she should have never allowed him near us never mind alone with us.

Why is it that so many people live in denial as to their responsiblity in a child’s life. Why is it that people believe that they have no responsibility in what happens to children if they did not do it themselves. what if they knew about it? What if they saw it happen? What if they did nothing about knowing about it or seeing it? Would they not be somewhat to blame for that childs difficulties as they got older since they could have put a stop to it or helped that child get away from it or get help for it? Why is it that so many people turn a blind eye or think that is not their duty, responsibility, or job to protect, help, or save a child from abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, emotional, or mental abuse? Why is it so many people can claim to be against abuse but yet do nothing about it or turn around and do the very things that they claim they are against? Why is it that some children and families receive help and take advantage of the system and others do not get any help? Why is it that some families secrets are kept hidden and the children end up fucked up and damaged the rest of their lives like me and then others get help and are oka and able to go on living productive un eventful forgiving resentful manageable stable lives? Why can’t I have my kids? Why can’t I see my kids or have pictures of them? Why cant I just hear their voices? I just want them in my lives. I just want to be in their lives. I miss them alot!

 

The anger I feel

This week has been a very different week for me though yesterday and today has been rough it has not been easy it has been okay. Today has been difficult but I have almost made it through and the day is almost done. I am going to write this and then lay down as I have an early morning with a friend of mine needing some help and picking me p at 7 am to go help her start packing up her house.

I did do some writing this week but did not post them to my blog yet as some of it is sensitive material and some f it just may not be appropriate for the public’s eyes though I may just post them just for some feed back as tonight has been difficult for me as I have obsessed over yesterdays incidents and it boiled over into today and ended up contributing to an already difficult time for me. Instead of managing it as I planned I allowed my emotions to get in the way and was unable able to stay in control of myself and let myself not stay silent as I had said to myself I was going to do last night. I was hoping I was going to handle saying goodbye to my mental health worker as she left for vacation but instead my anger, which really has nothing to do with, or relationship got in the way. A big part of it s the fact that goodbyes are not good for me and separations are not good for me as it is hard for me to trust people will come back as so many people have left me behind and so many people have lied to me in the past. So many people have betrayed me. However, I allow things with other people to interfere in my treatment and I allow her reaction and treatment methods of other clients to effect my emotions and trust in her. I wrote about some of it last night. I may just move that post to another of my blogs as to not interfere with this one.

I was always involved in a system that failed me as a child. Now I sit and watch as the system failed to help me keep my family together. Yes, I had my faults. Yes, I got angry and frustrated at things my children did and how they behaved. I reacted at times in ways I wish I could have changed. I stayed in a relationship with my children’s father in which both of us should not have stayed together. We both were abusive towards each other, held resentments, had anger issues, and had no control over our emotions and reacted in abusive manners toward each other. Our abusiveness towards each other was harmful to our children, emotion and mentally. We were both neglectful in caring for the children’s psychological, mental, and emotional needs as we abused each other mentally, emotionally, and physically in their presence. My house was never clean and my children knew how to manipulate me to get their way most of the time. But I was a work in progress and I was always able to say I needed help, I could not do it by myself, I recognized the need for change in their lives even if things did not immediately change for the good I was always trying new things and making an effort to address what was happening in my home, I was honest with people, I never encouraged my kids to lie, I never told my kids they were liars, I never abused my kids or called them names or criticized them, and when my husband laid his hands on my children the 3 times I remember we got into severe physical altercations where I made a point to let him know I disapproved of my children being abused or disciplined physically in nature. I may not have taught my children the best ways of dealing with altercations as violence is never the best way to deal with anger and you should never tell a child not to hit and then hit but as I said earlier I had my faults and so I do understand some things to a degree.

I was raised in a system. My life consisted of being failed by the system and then the system failed to help me when I needed help in raising my own child and so the cycle continued with my children. Nevertheless, there are people who claim to want their children and then act as if they could care less about them. People anger me in the system who are there to help people change their lives and who should be protecting the children whether they are the child’s worker or the parents worker and instead they minimize the parent responsibilities and act as if it is the child’s fault what is going on. I feel as if I am reliving some of what I experienced in my own life and it is 27 years later when things have supposedly changed for the better in this world. People are supposedly better at recognizing the signs and effects abuse and neglect has on children and their responsibilities to the children in the world not just to the parents. It is not just a parents responsibility to raise a child nowadays it is the publics responsibility to protect that child if they witness that child’s abuse, neglect, or need for help.

Therefore, I have allowed myself to be hindered by some recent incidents that occurred and the anger seems to be over taken me. However, not just because of the events that occurred and in this moment I am sitting here able to recognize why I am so angered by what occurred. I am angered more about the fact that though I had many people in my life that could have helped me and should have seen what was happening and been able to protect me they did not. They could not read my mind. They could not help me because I stayed silent. I allowed the secrets to stay a secret and no one saw any of the signs or recognized my pain. No one helped me when I needed help as a child, as a teenager, as a wife, as a young mother, as a struggling, angry hurt distressed parent afraid to lose the only thing that mattered in my life. No one helped me. No protected me from losing my world, my life. They are gone. My life has been stolen. My life was stolen. I suffer a lot. Suffer many days. I do not suffer everyday as I did in the past but there are many days I suffer in silence. I still have many secrets that no one has ever cared enough to help me through. I still hold my secrets that I have held for many years and maybe I will die with them inside me. Maybe they will stay buried deep within or maybe someday there will be someone in my life with who I am able to work through this all and someday I will no longer get so angry over such issues, maybe I will not get so obsessed and feel so hurt when people do not care. Maybe I will care enough about myself and my life to make something of myself.

penalties for failure to report abuse or neglect if you are a mandated reporter in Virginia

63.2-1509. Physicians, nurses, teachers, etc., to report certain injuries o children; penalty for failure to report. /section> section> . The following persons who, in their professional or official capacity, ave reason to suspect that a child is an abused or neglected child, shall eport the matter immediately to the local department of the county or city herein the child resides or wherein the abuse or neglect is believed to have ccurred or to the Department’s toll-free child abuse and neglect hotline: /section> section> . Any person licensed to practice medicine or any of the healing arts; /section> section> . Any hospital resident or intern, and any person employed in the nursing rofession; /section> section> . Any person employed as a social worker; /section> section> . Any probation officer; /section> section> . Any teacher or other person employed in a public or private school, indergarten or nursery school; /section> section> . Any person providing full-time or part-time child care for pay on a egularly planned basis; /section> section> . Any mental health professional; /section> section> . Any law-enforcement officer or animal control officer; /section> section> . Any mediator eligible to receive court referrals pursuant to § 8.01-576.8; /section> section> 0. Any professional staff person, not previously enumerated, employed by a rivate or state-operated hospital, institution or facility to which children ave been committed or where children have been placed for care and treatment; /section> section> 1. Any person associated with or employed by any private organization esponsible for the care, custody or control of children; /section> section> 2. Any person who is designated a court-appointed special advocate pursuant o Article 5 (§ 9.1-151 et seq.) of Chapter 1 of Title 9.1; /section> section> 3. Any person, over the age of 18 years, who has received training approved y the Department of Social Services for the purposes of recognizing and eporting child abuse and neglect; /section> section> 4. Any person employed by a local department as defined in § 63.2-100 who etermines eligibility for public assistance; and /section> section> 5. Any emergency medical services personnel certified by the Board of Health ursuant to § 32.1-111.5, unless such personnel immediately reports the atter directly to the attending physician at the hospital to which the child s transported, who shall make such report forthwith. /section> section> his subsection shall not apply to any regular minister, priest, rabbi, imam, r duly accredited practitioner of any religious organization or denomination sually referred to as a church as it relates to (i) information required by he doctrine of the religious organization or denomination to be kept in a onfidential manner or (ii) information that would be subject to § 8.01-400 r 19.2-271.3 if offered as evidence in court. /section> section> f neither the locality in which the child resides nor where the abuse or eglect is believed to have occurred is known, then such report shall be made o the local department of the county or city where the abuse or neglect was iscovered or to the Department’s toll-free child abuse and neglect hotline. /section> section> f an employee of the local department is suspected of abusing or neglecting child, the report shall be made to the court of the county or city where he abuse or neglect was discovered. Upon receipt of such a report by the ourt, the judge shall assign the report to a local department that is not he employer of the suspected employee for investigation or family ssessment. The judge may consult with the Department in selecting a local epartment to respond to the report or the complaint. /section> section> f the information is received by a teacher, staff member, resident, intern r nurse in the course of professional services in a hospital, school or imilar institution, such person may, in place of said report, immediately otify the person in charge of the institution or department, or his esignee, who shall make such report forthwith. /section> section> he initial report may be an oral report but such report shall be reduced to riting by the child abuse coordinator of the local department on a form rescribed by the Board. Any person required to make the report pursuant to his subsection shall disclose all information that is the basis for his uspicion of abuse or neglect of the child and, upon request, shall make vailable to the child-protective services coordinator and the local epartment, which is the agency of jurisdiction, any information, records, or eports that document the basis for the report. All persons required by this ubsection to report suspected abuse or neglect who maintain a record of a hild who is the subject of such a report shall cooperate with the nvestigating agency and shall make related information, records and reports vailable to the investigating agency unless such disclosure violates the ederal Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (20 U.S.C. § 1232g). rovision of such information, records, and reports by a health care provider hall not be prohibited by § 8.01-399. Criminal investigative reports eceived from law-enforcement agencies shall not be further disseminated by he investigating agency nor shall they be subject to public disclosure. /section> section> . For purposes of subsection A, “reason to suspect that a child is abused r neglected” shall include (i) a finding made by an attending physician ithin seven days of a child’s birth that the results of a blood or urine est conducted within 48 hours of the birth of the child indicate the resence of a controlled substance not prescribed for the mother by a hysician; (ii) a finding by an attending physician made within 48 hours of a hild’s birth that the child was born dependent on a controlled substance hich was not prescribed by a physician for the mother and has demonstrated ithdrawal symptoms; (iii) a diagnosis by an attending physician made within even days of a child’s birth that the child has an illness, disease or ondition which, to a reasonable degree of medical certainty, is attributable o in utero exposure to a controlled substance which was not prescribed by a hysician for the mother or the child; or (iv) a diagnosis by an attending hysician made within seven days of a child’s birth that the child has fetal lcohol syndrome attributable to in utero exposure to alcohol. When “reason o suspect” is based upon this subsection, such fact shall be included in he report along with the facts relied upon by the person making the report. /section> section> . Any person who makes a report or provides records or information pursuant o subsection A or who testifies in any judicial proceeding arising from such eport, records, or information shall be immune from any civil or criminal iability or administrative penalty or sanction on account of such report, ecords, information, or testimony, unless such person acted in bad faith or ith malicious purpose. /section> section> . Any person required to file a report pursuant to this section who fails to o so within 72 hours of his first suspicion of child abuse or neglect shall e fined not more than $500 for the first failure and for any subsequent ailures not less than $100 nor more than $1,000. /section> history> 1975, c. 341, § 63.1-248.3; 1976, c. 348; 1978, c. 747; 1993, c. 443; 1994, . 840; 1995, c. 810; 1998, cc. 704, 716; 1999, c. 606; 2000, c. 500; 2001, . 853; 2002, cc. 747, 860; 2006, cc. 530, 801; 2008, cc. 43, 268.) /history>

definition of a mandated reporter in virginia

63.2-1509. Physicians, nurses, teachers, etc., to report certain injuries o children; penalty for failure to report. /section> section> . The following persons who, in their professional or official capacity, ave reason to suspect that a child is an abused or neglected child, shall eport the matter immediately to the local department of the county or city herein the child resides or wherein the abuse or neglect is believed to have ccurred or to the Department’s toll-free child abuse and neglect hotline: /section> section> . Any person licensed to practice medicine or any of the healing arts; /section> section> . Any hospital resident or intern, and any person employed in the nursing rofession; /section> section> . Any person employed as a social worker; /section> section> . Any probation officer; /section> section> . Any teacher or other person employed in a public or private school, indergarten or nursery school; /section> section> . Any person providing full-time or part-time child care for pay on a egularly planned basis; /section> section> . Any mental health professional; /section> section> . Any law-enforcement officer or animal control officer; /section> section> . Any mediator eligible to receive court referrals pursuant to § 8.01-576.8; /section> section> 0. Any professional staff person, not previously enumerated, employed by a rivate or state-operated hospital, institution or facility to which children ave been committed or where children have been placed for care and treatment; /section> section> 1. Any person associated with or employed by any private organization esponsible for the care, custody or control of children; /section> section> 2. Any person who is designated a court-appointed special advocate pursuant o Article 5 (§ 9.1-151 et seq.) of Chapter 1 of Title 9.1; /section> section> 3. Any person, over the age of 18 years, who has received training approved y the Department of Social Services for the purposes of recognizing and eporting child abuse and neglect; /section> section> 4. Any person employed by a local department as defined in § 63.2-100 who etermines eligibility for public assistance; and /section> section> 5. Any emergency medical services personnel certified by the Board of Health ursuant to § 32.1-111.5, unless such personnel immediately reports the atter directly to the attending physician at the hospital to which the child s transported, who shall make such report forthwith. /section> section> his subsection shall not apply to any regular minister, priest, rabbi, imam, r duly accredited practitioner of any religious organization or denomination sually referred to as a church as it relates to (i) information required by he doctrine of the religious organization or denomination to be kept in a onfidential manner or (ii) information that would be subject to § 8.01-400 r 19.2-271.3 if offered as evidence in court. /section> section> f neither the locality in which the child resides nor where the abuse or eglect is believed to have occurred is known, then such report shall be made o the local department of the county or city where the abuse or neglect was iscovered or to the Department’s toll-free child abuse and neglect hotline. /section> section> f an employee of the local department is suspected of abusing or neglecting child, the report shall be made to the court of the county or city where he abuse or neglect was discovered. Upon receipt of such a report by the ourt, the judge shall assign the report to a local department that is not he employer of the suspected employee for investigation or family ssessment. The judge may consult with the Department in selecting a local epartment to respond to the report or the complaint. /section> section> f the information is received by a teacher, staff member, resident, intern r nurse in the course of professional services in a hospital, school or imilar institution, such person may, in place of said report, immediately otify the person in charge of the institution or department, or his esignee, who shall make such report forthwith. /section> section> he initial report may be an oral report but such report shall be reduced to riting by the child abuse coordinator of the local department on a form rescribed by the Board. Any person required to make the report pursuant to his subsection shall disclose all information that is the basis for his uspicion of abuse or neglect of the child and, upon request, shall make vailable to the child-protective services coordinator and the local epartment, which is the agency of jurisdiction, any information, records, or eports that document the basis for the report. All persons required by this ubsection to report suspected abuse or neglect who maintain a record of a hild who is the subject of such a report shall cooperate with the nvestigating agency and shall make related information, records and reports vailable to the investigating agency unless such disclosure violates the ederal Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (20 U.S.C. § 1232g). rovision of such information, records, and reports by a health care provider hall not be prohibited by § 8.01-399. Criminal investigative reports eceived from law-enforcement agencies shall not be further disseminated by he investigating agency nor shall they be subject to public disclosure. /section> section> . For purposes of subsection A, “reason to suspect that a child is abused r neglected” shall include (i) a finding made by an attending physician ithin seven days of a child’s birth that the results of a blood or urine est conducted within 48 hours of the birth of the child indicate the resence of a controlled substance not prescribed for the mother by a hysician; (ii) a finding by an attending physician made within 48 hours of a hild’s birth that the child was born dependent on a controlled substance hich was not prescribed by a physician for the mother and has demonstrated ithdrawal symptoms; (iii) a diagnosis by an attending physician made within even days of a child’s birth that the child has an illness, disease or ondition which, to a reasonable degree of medical certainty, is attributable o in utero exposure to a controlled substance which was not prescribed by a hysician for the mother or the child; or (iv) a diagnosis by an attending hysician made within seven days of a child’s birth that the child has fetal lcohol syndrome attributable to in utero exposure to alcohol. When “reason o suspect” is based upon this subsection, such fact shall be included in he report along with the facts relied upon by the person making the report. /section> section> . Any person who makes a report or provides records or information pursuant o subsection A or who testifies in any judicial proceeding arising from such eport, records, or information shall be immune from any civil or criminal iability or administrative penalty or sanction on account of such report, ecords, information, or testimony, unless such person acted in bad faith or ith malicious purpose. /section> section> . Any person required to file a report pursuant to this section who fails to o so within 72 hours of his first suspicion of child abuse or neglect shall e fined not more than $500 for the first failure and for any subsequent ailures not less than $100 nor more than $1,000. /section> history> 1975, c. 341, § 63.1-248.3; 1976, c. 348; 1978, c. 747; 1993, c. 443; 1994, . 840; 1995, c. 810; 1998, cc. 704, 716; 1999, c. 606; 2000, c. 500; 2001, . 853; 2002, cc. 747, 860; 2006, cc. 530, 801; 2008, cc. 43, 268.) /history>

The day was great until the moment of ruin

So today, I was having a great day. I had a nice cookout with some “friends” and our mental health support worker. She leaves tomorrow for an 11-day vacation to visit her family and celebrate her 50th Birthday. What a milestone that is in someone’s life considering I am not sure I will ever make it that far or long in life. Overall, it was a really nice time and I enjoyed myself and had a great time spending time with one of their 5-year-old sons. We climbed the tree and I hope he had fun too. As there really was no entertainment for him but I tried to make it fun for him also. I no longer have my ids so I no longer have toys for his age as I ridded myself of all the toys finally after lugging them around for so long. The last of them went right before I moved into this building last year. I held onto them way too long after my kids were long gone but finally had enough closure I was able to let go of them and sometimes regret it but I did it and it was therapeutic when I got rid of the last one before moving here which was my son Daniel’s remote control truck I had bought him for his Birthday in 2006.

So anyways my enjoyment stopped when the it was time for the child and his mother to leave and she was not paying attention to him and listening when he was trying to tell her something as she was talking to me and had the food in her hand that I was sending home with them and her laptop in her other hand. He pulled on her arm to get her attention and she dropped the food and in angered yelled at him and hit him. I was very angry with her and saddened. She them turned to me and told me well there it is you will have to pick it up I will call you later and walked away yelling at the child about the food after she had just abused him. I was angry with her. I was saddened for the child. This was not the first time I have seen her do this but this was the first time she had publically done this to him in front of a counselor and other people who did not really know plus it was at my home and she acted as if she really did not care.

She later called me to apologize for her hitting her son and tried to lie to me saying it was the first time and she did not know why she had done it. However, in fact I had seen her do it two other times to him but at her home. I am angered even more by her denial of her behaviors towards her child and her belief in her innocence as she reminds me so much of my mother and my ex husband who belied his own lies once he told them. I am also angered by my mental health workers lack of action at this other clients abusive behavior in front of her towards her child and it feels just as it felt when I was younger and my mother told everyone what was going on and they listened and did not look at the signs of my behavior and instead just listened to my mother’s manipulative words. The worker believes this person is naive and innocence and easily taken advantage of and manipulated when in fact she is the manipulative, takes advantage of, devious, lying, person that she has people believing happens to her so often as she uses marijuana more and more and cares less and less about her child. Her life is falling apart quickly and seems to be going down the drain fast but yet I cannot stop it. I cannot do anything about it as she is in denial and she is lying to herself and everyone around her. She is manipulating her son, her workers, her life, and her child’s life. I cannot change her, I cannot change the workers in her or her child’s life, and I cannot change the system. Nevertheless, I must change my own stress, reaction, and how I cope with all this as it is destroying me more and more. I become angrier each encounter I experience and it seems to get worse than the one before.

“So Called Mother/Grandmother”

Why cant I be loved like the rest of them. Why couldnt my kids be loved like the rest of their kids. Why is it you let my kids be thrown to the wolves but yet savior the others. What is wrong with me. what was wrong with my kids. I know what you used to claim “I am not watching them they scream from the time you leave to the time you come back” but that was a reason for you not to love them as much as you the rest in your life now. But yet the ones now scream and you deal with it but could not deal with mine. Guess cause they were mine they got treated with the hate you had for me my whole life and so the cycle continued on…