(this is my response to the email below from the egg donor i did omit all names from all exchanges and replace with descriptions in parentesis)
You have never been a mother to me you have always treated me like I was your punching bag. And what do you not believe me that Stephan fucked me in your bed saying “oh my god Jesus Christ” when he cummed and then you never believed me and yet I am not supposed to have any hurt from that I am supposed to think you love and care about me when you still deny that you ever hurt me. When you kicked me as I cowered on the floor in the kitchen on pilling street and Grammy tried to stop you and you pushed her. I am supposed to just forget this stuff and move on when you refuse to even recognize the fact that you hurt me and refuse to recognize that you played a part in my trauma and why I now have issues instead you continue to deny everything refuse to take responsibility place the blame on me and try to make everyone believe this shit is all in my head including try to put it back on me telling me you do not believe there is anything you need to apologize for. Why would you not be sorry for hurting your child the way you have hurt me if you truly loved and cared about me. I hurt (my son) emotionally that and I apologized to him because I was sorry but that does not mean that he then has a right to do whatever he wants I have a right to parent him and discipline him without abusing him which is what i have been trying to do but you all continue interfering and i am not abusing him as you did to me and you also did to him. You think you walking away from me now is hurtful well you did that a long time ago. You walked out of my life when I was a child and only have been in my life recently and that is why I have never been able to let go because i do not trust you because you have always abandoned me. You have never been a mother you have always just been a fake in front of professionals just as you were with my son. But yet now want to act as if you know what is best for him when in fact all the years you were raising him you never got anywhere. But yet I am wrong with whatever I do. Look back at your parenting your teenagers and see that (my crimianlized jailburg brother, not the one my son is with) was in jail at 17 and in and out (until recently when he just turned 30), (my brother, the one my son is with currently and previously lived with) you left behind to go live your life when he was stable and wanted to finish highschool so at 16 he had to fend for himself, me you put me away in hospitals and residentials so you could screw my child up and did not have me there to open my mouth to people cause you always hated the fact that I did not like to keep my mouth shut to the professionals, and (my sister) you sent to the sperm donors because she was getting in trouble and you did not want to deal with it but yet you dealt with supporting you boyfriends for many years no matter which one it was they always came first not us kids. What kind of parent were you for a teenager? You were not a parent you cared about your men always before us and now that you are happy with life now you want to try and be a mom and expect me to forget about the rest of my life when you are in denial and refuse to even admit to the past. You expect 30 years of abuse and memoriies to be forgotten and erased just cause you want to deny it and refuse to acknowledge it to me. Take your truck and shove it up your fucking ass I do not need nothing from none of you. Alls I have needed is reall love, care, understanding, and support. I have not gotten that and never have. I do not need your fucking possesions, They do not give me what I need. they may fulfill the rest of the kids voids but why do you think they continue to ask for more. because it is only temporary fulfilment. That is why you are constantly buying shit cause you are empty and have a fucking void that needs to be filled and it will never be filled by possessions. You have never really been here for me anyways just like you never cared about me and never cared about my other 4 kids and still do not. You do not even remember their birthdays. You make me sick. Go shove (criminalized brother’s wife) up your ass cause you manipulated and purgered yourself in court for 2 child molesters, your son and her, why because you like child molesters. That is why you knew david who molested you supposedly as a teenager was then allowed to be around me and (my criminalized brother) with you knowing he was a child diddler and he molested us both for who knows how long. (but it was reported only after my brother told when we were 5 and 6. i was 6 he was 5 it had been happing atleast since i was 4 maybe before that). Just like you like child abusers because you are one yourself that is why it is okay with you for (my brother’s wife) to chase her kid down the hall with a knife and stab a wall and end up cutting her fingers off and you want my son living there after she already has previously abused him and her own kids cause she is just like you. You are a child abuser and you know it and that is why you are angry because the truth hurts and you are hurt because I put the truth in front of you and you do not like it. You let john (her ex boyfriend before stephan) hit us with a stud belt and leave marks across my legs that were like welts you hit me with curtains rods you kicked me in the head you have punched me but I am supposed to forget all this stuff because you want to live in denial and refuse to admit it and say “sorry”. I am supposed to suffer because you abused my son. You smacked him and he fell of the stool in Grammys house on 6th ave. you dragged him by his hair as you did to me when I was younger too because he would not get out of bed. You want to blame me for all (my sons) problems well I did not raise him you did so look at the similarities and stop trying to put the blame on me all the time and realize the fact is that you were his “parent” not me and that is why we both have issues and take some responsibility instead of constantly trying to place the blame on me do you not think you did that to me when I was a teenager enough. You constantly put me down telling me no one was ever going to want me, no one was ever going to wanna marry me because I was a tom boy and did not want to wear what you wanted me to wear and you still make comments about the way I dress, you told me I was stupid and would never amount to anything do you not see what damage you have done and do you still see to this day that you still effect me and hurt me. But then try to convince the professionals that all you have ever done is tried to be here for me and care but I do not let you. No wrong you manipulate the professionals. You did not come here to help me get my kids back you kept promising you would but did not. Then (my crimmanlized brother) put you himself and his newborn and (my brother) and his family and my son in danger with a psychopath and you sent him out here and now I owe a U-Haul bill for that. I got fucked As usual. Then (my crimminalized brother) came here while you had to move your job and sleep in a car and motels. Then I ended up in treatment and (my crimminalized brother) robbed my house again and what did you do stick up for him and he moved to (friends of family)and claimed (my ex husband) robbed it. Then he begged you to come here and it was not until he begged you that you came you did not come for me you came here for him because you rescue (my crimminalized brother) all the time you have never wanted me or my kids never cared about me or my kids you only did that last minute knowing they would say no because you had not been involved and you have not bothered since they have been gone. Not one card not one letter you do not even inquire about how they are you could care less about them. You only care about the other kids just as you had only care about the other kids when we were growing up. That is why you always beat me more than them. Once in a while you hit them but you never kicked them the way you kicked me. You never hit them the way you hit me and you never mentally and emotionally abused them the way you did me. You have always hated me and never cared about me from birth and you expect me to just forget about 30 years of that because you are now happy and for 2 years are trying to change the way you treat me but still deny my feelings and deny you hurt me and expect me to forget it instead of acknowledging my hurt and apologizing you deny the truth and still refuse to recognize your responsibility in hurting me and apologize. And you continue to claim you tried to help me get my kids when you did not and you claim to say you cared about my kids and loved them when you don’t because you don’t even think about them they don’t even get a fucking 50 cent card and 44 cent stamp to mail it to them. So fuck you. Keep supporting your criminal manipulative thief of a son up there and keep lying to yourself and everyone else. I do not need a “family” if that is what you all claim is a “family”.
Believe me come Friday after I talk to the court probation regarding (my son) and file the chins things will change. I already talked to social services. I am doing what I need to do. (my son) is fine at but I am not getting myself in any legal trouble because you all want to manipulate the system. Tomorrow I will go to the school department and talk with them because he does not live in the city and it is illegal for him to be going to that school and I am not going to get myself in trouble because you all want to be deceptive and manipulative. Sorry I do not need to be like you or your children. And I do not need to be like what you all are turning my son into. Good ridden when you croke make sure no one contacts me because I won’t give a fuck and I will be sure to make it well written that none of you are contacted regarding any of my medical needs, mental health needs, nor if I croke you all will not be contacted either. I do not love you at all. I cannot love someone who has done nothing in my life but hurt and abuse me and cause me pain and suffering for themselves. Consider me dead. I don’t care. I have wiped my hands with my sperm donor it won’t be hard to consider you an egg donor considering I have believed for years you found me on your doorstep anyways because you always treated me differently and like I did not matter anyways. Don’t look for me ever again. I hate you!
(this is an email I received from my egg donor today after leaving her voicemail regarding her abuse of me and my son and her blaming me for all his problems when in fact she raised him for 14 years and abused him physically at times as she did me. she also raised us both and we both have issues emotionally but she puts the blame for his issues on me claiming he has problems because of me and refuses to look at the contribution she played in raising both of us and the fact i have only had him for 2 years and yes the problems have just begun 4-5 weeks ago but his grades had improved and he had not been suspended in 2 years. now he has been at my brothers for 4 weeks and his grades have dropped and he has gotten suspended but because i threw her abusing him and i at her along with them trying to coherse my son telling him what to say if i get the courts involved telling her she is screwing him up just as she did all of us when we were his age she now wants to blame me and is disowning me.)
This is the last email you sent me, but apparently it meant nothing. I believe now you will never get over the past and move on to making yourself a better life. You can say anything to me now and I am not going to let it ruin my life. You are the one stuck in the past, I am not. I believed you tried to get (my son) home but, I feel that you have fucked up yourself and continue to blame me for everything that goes wrong in your life. It is you that keeps deciding to be that way and dwell on the negtive. Everytime I think we are trying to make a relationship, you fuck it up. I cant disagree with you about anything, and if I do I am everything in the book to you. Well, I guess it is time to say I love you again no matter what you say or believe and to say goodbye to you. Please give (my son) the car and (my brother) the keys and go on with your life the way you want. I have tried but I am done with the hateful, hurtful things you always say to me. I hope your life gets better for your sake, and (my son) remains in your life, but if you are not careful, you will be the one responsible for pushing him away. I am sorry for everything you feel but I am done (me). I will love you always in my heart, Mom
(this is the email the above the egg donor started her response to but this is an email i wrote to her back in april when we got into an argumnet and i brought up her denying the past abuse and her claiming some things never happened and acting as if it is all in my head and telling me she does not woe me an apology. I finally decide to just bite the bullet and let it go and try to just let her think she was right again as i have always done and this was what i wrote and when i wrote it she never responded but did start talking to me again where as she had not talked to me for like a month almost and when she did talk to me she would not talk about it.)
Over the past couple years I have felt that our relationship has gotten better and you and I have become closer. But I still have this void. I am still missing the things I lost as a child. I am still wanting to be nurtured, loved, cared for, I want to feel secure, I want all the things that I lost as a child and cannot get back but yet keep seeking it.
I also have some unresolved anger and still feel resentful from my childhood and teen years but do not know how to deal with it with you without causing you to be angry with me or making you feel as if I am trying to hurt you. So most of the time I just continue searching for answers and acknowledgment I cannot get from anyone but you and without communication either through writing or talking I will never get it. The biggest thing I have difficulty with is your not believing me about Stephen (her boyfriedn, my fathers half brother who she dated for 5 or 6 years) and I have never received any acknowledgement from you that you do believe he sexually abused me and repeatedly at that it was not just once but almost 4 years. That is what is most hurtful for me. I still go over and over our conversation regarding it when I told you and I relive that conversation in my mind over and over. Trying to figure out just what you were looking for to believe me. What kind of details did you want to know about how he had sex with me. There are things that I could tell you but those things are things I never wanted to tell anyone but in a conversation with (my sister) the other day I told her some of it. Things I would not know unless he had had sex with me. But when you and I had that conversation back when I was 16 I just told you he was uncircumcised and that was not enough for you. You told me “anyone could know that”. Then years later when I was an adult and we were arguing about it you told me if he had really sexually abused me then I would have pressed charges. It was your job to press charges I was a teenager and you were responsible for me. Well you know what now that I have come this far in my life and have progressed to a point where I am not afraid of the secrets inside even though I am just beginning to lose that fear I would press charges if I could but now I believe it is too late although have wonders whether or not if I found a way to be able to press the charges and have him arrested on the charges if maybe then you would believe me. Alls I have sought from you surrounding his repeated sexual violation and use of my body for his own needs is acknowledgment by you believing me and an apology for the hurt I have suffered because of your disbelief in me. I do not want an apology from you because I believe that him using me sexually was in any way your fault or because of you at all. I have never believed that Stephan’s sexual abuse of me was your fault. You had to work you worked long hours to support us no one helped you and you did the best you could regarding that issue. I do not place blame on you at all for it happening. I actually in many ways believe it is my fault that I allowed it to happen knowing from a little girl and being in therapy many years before it happened and during it happening that it was wrong for a grown man to touch me but yet I did not say anything. I let it happen. I did not tell anyone and in some ways I liked the fact that he treated me better than the rest of the kids and bought me cigarettes and gave me money. he also stuck up for me when you were abusing me physically and that is partly why I kept my mouth shut too. I have a lot of my own guilt surrounding it to work through and I still do not believe that I am not partially to blame for it happening and for it continuing to happening for as long as it did.
Mom I am sorry if I have hurt you by any of this. It is not my intention to hurt you but to express to you how I am feeling and the hurt inside me. I am sorry for being unable to effective communicate with you and instead only being able to express my hurt inside when you are already disappointed and angry with me for something I have done. But understand the pain and hurt I have is not just there when you are angry with me or disappointed me. It is there all the time I just find I can only bring it up at those times and I do not bring it up to accuse you of me fucking up presently.
I am going to let you go for now but hope that this helps with some understanding and maybe opens some communication between you and I . I hope that this email does not cause you more hurt than I have already caused recently and want you to know I sincerely did not intend to hurt you. These are things That are always here in my mind, heart, and soul but not always am I able to address them with you. I am working on things in my life and hope that you are willing to work on some of these things with me or I may just have to work on what I can and accept that I might not ever get the belief, apology, and acknowledgment I seek.