My Negative Experiece at Hospital

Started Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Will write when anxiety is down about my experience of my we visit the crisis worker not kno having knowledge about psychiatric advanced directives nor the we staff ever hearing of them and the refusal to have this implemented. Then will write about my admission by temporary detention order and the experience of doctors miscommunicating or not following through with what they say and also doing what they wish outside their expertise without even advising me or consulting me. But for now the regimen of medications have me unable to function and yet I was atleast functioning upon entrance to the emergency department. I just had coping skills that are dangerous at times and I take them further then I can control anymore because of my ability to dissociated from that.

Updated saturday, January 26, 2013

My negative experience began at the emergency room in my town. I was searched before getting there by 2 male police officers in the company of the ems personall who drove me there. Then searched again by 2 more male security officers at the hospital even though I refused citing I had already been searched by police officers and that I had nothing. They went through my wallet, tried to make me change into a hospital gown, and held me against my will at the hospital emergency room. I went there willingly for medical treatment. I then decided not to get the medical treatment since I was being treated as if I was a detainee. I agreed to meet with mental health after they refused for me to leave and even grabbed my arm when I said I was leaving and tried to walk out of the hospital room since I was being treated as if I was there against my will. They lied to me citing I was on an ECO which they did not obtain until almost 2 hours later. I told them I had a psychiatric advanced directive and that if they were treating me for mental health then I was not getting treatment there per my PAD. They threatened me with forcfully holding me down and even chemically restraining me if I would not give them bloodwork. Throughout this experience I felt I had no say or rights to my own physical body or my own mental health. They used intimadation tactics such as there size, threats of restraint, and involuntary commitment to get what they wanted from me. I felt violated at that time and still feel violated. I feel I have no rights to my own body even with the PAD. My psychiatric advanced directive was refused acknowledgement. I was told they knew of no such thing. Both the security officers and doctors had no idea about them even making a statement they were not legal if not notorized by a notory of the public. In The Commonwealth of Virginia where I live it is not required to have a PAD notorized but only to be witnessed by 2 adults witnessing your signing of the document to make it valid and legal. The crisis evaluator from the mental health center here who evaluated me as he was the person on call did not even have an awareness of such a document. I was then sent to there psychiatric unit per temporary detention order which was against my PAD as I have in my PAD that I am not to received psychiatric care through their hospital but to receive it in one of the other hospitals within about an hour distance from my hometown due to past experiences on their psychiatric unit and a statement from their medical director that they did not feel they could properly treat me in their facility. But yet another doctor received the call about me and accepted my admission anyways. I was refused my PAD implimentation.

On their Psychiatric unit was another negative experience at points. For the most part there were some good points to it such as the most of the other patients, the groups, most of the nurses, most of the mental health techs, and some of the clinical counselors. My experience with the docoter was good in person though I felt he was careless in his choices and follow through on communication with me about my treatment. I also feel there was no follow through on a medical doctor referel that was put in on saturday and never executed. This also occured with another patient on the unit who was refered by their psychiatric doctor to see the medical doctor on the same day. We both had 2 different psychiatric physcians. He was careless in his deciding to double my Wellbutrin that I had started on a friday on Monday. I had 3 doses at 150mg and then was upped to 300mg. Very careless I believe in his decision.


new ideas and desires, new goals

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ok so I have some new things I am looking at and think I want to work on in my life. One of which is my lack of being able to communicate face to face with verbal words with others. It is even hard with the person in my life that I trust the most and she is the person in my life who has never hurt me purposely nor tried to harm me in anyway and cares a whole lot about me I think. It still interferes greatly in my communication and emotional responses to things she says or the thinking process of my life. And so I have decided this is something I really want to work on and address with her. But after doing it in my relationship with her and being able to effectively verbally communicate with her I want to be able to verbally communicate effectively with others in my life and then take it a step further and verbally communicate with everyone.

Then there is the goal that I have decided to work on the building of my life story and work through and process my memories of my childhood and my life leading up till now that has left me to who I am now. I have decided to do this by processing it with pictures, writing, and talking through it. I need to go through the emotions, the thoughts, the experiences that I have avoided feeling, the grief and pain of the losses, the shame, the sadness, along with some of the joys that I did not experience back when i should have. i have decided that I need to be bale to do this at my pace but also with the help from someone else with the urge to move through it instead of avoiding it and running from it when it gets too much for me as I have done in the past. I want to work through it and get through the tunnel of darkness and find the light at the end. I want to experience what others claim I can someday find. i want to someday have the hope that is buried inside me that at times I see glimpses of and it disappears faster than it came and I sometimes believe it was never there. I want to take responsibility for my part of my life where i am responsible for and leave blame and responsibility on the people who are to blame and who were responsible for their parts on them but yet it is hard when the responsibility feels as if most of it was mine and so this is something I really want to work on and adjust in my mind and determine and decide who is responsible and why or why not I am responsible as others claim some of it I am not responsible for but i believe I am and so I feel conflicted. Then there is also my own childrens neglect and the abuse they experienced that I want to work on and work through. I want to trust enough to let my guard down and allow someone to help me through this without doibng what I do best and running and using techniques such as getting angry with that person, finding ways to sabotage the relationship, trying to force them into to leaving, trying to find away into needing to be put away, sabotaging my life, becoming too emotionally unstable and suicidal by triggering anxiety, getting involved in other people’s chaos life issues drugs self-injury or anything to help me avoid facing and dealing with what I truly need to and at this time want to work on. And so as I sit here and write this knowing that though I will at some point battle and fight this I know it is what is needed and what is in the long run best. I know it is what is needed for me to become who ultimately I desire to become. I know it is the way I am going to find the light and the hope i need in life otherwise I may end up dead. And so I need to start working on this stuff. I am taking a stance as I have begun this journey though scary I have started. I took pictures of some of the places I have lived and some of the places where some abuse started, took place, where I whored around as a 12-year-old, where I lived with my kids, the house my husband and i lived when each of our children were born, and some other places that i cannot remember at this moment but some significant places and I plan on making posts on a different blog with each of the pictures and the memories that go along with these pictures. I plan on shedding many tears and coming through this stronger and hopefully more hopeful and with much more purpose in life.

I do not write any of this for anyone else except for myself. I write this with hopes that someday i can look back at it and say WOW I have come so far but if someone reads it and they say WOW I feel that way i am not alone I understand that I am glad there is someone else out there that understands how I feel I though I was alone… I too am glad. As so many times when I think to myself there is no one else who could possible understand and that no one else feels the way I feel, and no one else has ever experienced any pain like I have or that I am so different and so unique I get online and find others like myself, suffering in silence, suffering and alone feeling as if they will never be understood, and never get anywhere, never have meaning or purpose in life, there is no reason to keep going, and why should I keep going on. Why am I breathing. So If someday someone like myself reads my blog even if it is only one person and it helps them feel not so alone and know they are not alone in their feelings of hopelessness, shame, and pain then I guess it was not a waste of time. But in the end none of this is truly a waste of time to begin with because when i someday look back at all this that I have written. I will have a map of how long my journey was and how far I came on this journey and not everyone has that. Not everyone has a record of their life as I will have and not everyone wants one. Maybe then I wont want it or I wont need it and I will erase it of delete it. But for now I believe it is important to my future and so I write it and I keep it.

Another thing I have decided to do is to try to make an effort to say what I mean instead of using wording as a means of verbally escaping my emotions. For example I have been going through alot of emotional distress lately with witnessing some things I would have prefered not seeing and then feeling as if nothing was done about it and then becoming angry about it with someone else. Then my worker leaves on vacation and she leaves me when I am angry with her. Then I leave on vacation in an angry state but not really wanting to go just going to satisfy my family and to do what I am supposed to do to be normal i guess you can say. But yet I still am feeling angry inside me and I am trying to just stay numbed emotionally and pretend life is good and just avoid feeling much. Then the first day we get up north my son starts his shit and pulls a power struggle over a situation that is somewhat similar to and triggering back to somewhat of what was enraging me in my home state where I was on vacation from. And so he threatens to leave me and then has my mom pick him up and asserts the fact he has control over me not me having control over him. And so I felt as if I just wanted to come home and do not even want him to come home with me. He created more rage and anger inside me. That is still there but yet I have had to just leave it there for now and it is stuck there not really sure where to put it what to do with it or how to handle it. then my siblings my brother and sister are dealing with their own issues surrounding neglectfulness and abusiveness of their children that causes me anger/rage and alot of jealousy to be honest that I do not have my children but yet these people have their children. it does not seem fair and sometimes make me want to blow the world up if possible but I know it is not and that my kids are in the world and do nto want to hurt them. then I get a speeding ticket while I am up there trying to drive and read a mapping took a wrong turn and was doing 39 in a 25 and not wearing a seat belt. well I learned a lesson so far. I now wear my seat belt and am trying real hard at monitoring my speed and am not speeding. I then came back really enraged and now am just coming down from that rage. But I have decided to no longer when going through something like this that I am going to try hard not to try to escape it nor talk about escaping it by wanting to run to the hospital or move out or state. I desire to move from where I am but yet I also know that it is prominent when I am trying to escape my anger and rage.

I know there are more services in different states but I know I am not going anywhere so then why continue to use that as a distraction and concern others by trying to avoid my emotions by saying i want to move. yes I sometimes feel like I need to go into the hospital but that for the most part is because that is what I am used to. I am not used to facing things. I am used to going into the hospital to fix things and avoid facing things. I am used to using the hospital as my way of escape from myself and most of the time it works because I get to become aggressive and angry and be put in restraints and fight people and it releases this anger I feel inside physically and most times I go in there after releasing some of the anger on myself either by a suicide attempt or by self harming and so this is a step for me to work on facing the anger but really unsure what to truly do with it if i do not do anything to myself and i do not release it by fighting others who are trying to restrain me and hold me and control. I am trying to work on myself here and this is new.

There is some contentment with these new desires and some confliction. there is a lot of fear and insecurity. I am unsure I truly trust anyone fully though there is a person I trust alot I fear being hurt all the time and fear that everyone on my life has always walked away or eventually leaves and so why would this person be any different especially since she is in the field she is in and I am the person I am. People get sick of me. People decide I am not wort their time. People decide I am a hopeless case and I am a waste of life so what makes me think she is any different. These are the thoughts I want t change but yet they continue to overwhelm me and cause me anxiety regularly.


Its amazing how people can just be sperm and egg donors in the world and be so fake


(this is my response to the email below from the egg donor i did omit all names from all exchanges and replace with descriptions in parentesis)

You have never been a mother to me you have always treated me like I was your punching bag. And what do you not believe me that Stephan fucked me in your bed saying “oh my god Jesus Christ” when he cummed and then you never believed me and yet I am not supposed to have any hurt from that I am supposed to think you love and care about me when you still deny that you ever hurt me. When you kicked me as I cowered on the floor in the kitchen on pilling street and Grammy tried to stop you and you pushed her. I am supposed to just forget this stuff and move on when you refuse to even recognize the fact that you hurt me and refuse to recognize that you played a part in my trauma and why I now have issues instead you continue to deny everything refuse to take responsibility place the blame on me and try to make everyone believe this shit is all in my head including try to put it back on me telling me you do not believe there is anything you need to apologize for. Why would you not be sorry for hurting your child the way you have hurt me if you truly loved and cared about me. I hurt (my son) emotionally that and I apologized to him because I was sorry but that does not mean that he then has a right to do whatever he wants I have a right to parent him and discipline him without abusing him which is what i have been trying to do but you all continue interfering and i am not abusing him as you did to me and you also did to him. You think you walking away from me now is hurtful well you did that a long time ago. You walked out of my life when I was a child and only have been in my life recently and that is why I have never been able to let go because i do not trust you because you have always abandoned me. You have never been a mother you have always just been a fake in front of professionals just as you were with my son. But yet now want to act as if you know what is best for him when in fact all the years you were raising him you never got anywhere. But yet I am wrong with whatever I do. Look back at your parenting your teenagers and see that (my crimianlized jailburg brother, not the one my son is with) was in jail at 17 and in and out (until recently when he just turned 30), (my brother, the one my son is with currently and previously lived with) you left behind to go live your life when he was stable and wanted to finish highschool so at 16 he had to fend for himself, me you put me away in hospitals and residentials so you could screw my child up and did not have me there to open my mouth to people cause you always hated the fact that I did not like to keep my mouth shut to the professionals, and (my sister) you sent to the sperm donors because she was getting in trouble and you did not want to deal with it but yet you dealt with supporting you boyfriends for many years no matter which one it was they always came first not us kids. What kind of parent were you for a teenager? You were not a parent you cared about your men always before us and now that you are happy with life now you want to try and be a mom and expect me to forget about the rest of my life when you are in denial and refuse to even admit to the past. You expect 30 years of abuse and memoriies to be forgotten and erased just cause you want to deny it and refuse to acknowledge it to me. Take your truck and shove it up your fucking ass I do not need nothing from none of you. Alls I have needed is reall love, care, understanding, and support. I have not gotten that and never have. I do not need your fucking possesions, They do not give me what I need. they may fulfill the rest of the kids voids but why do you think they continue to ask for more. because it is only temporary fulfilment. That is why you are constantly buying shit cause you are empty and have a fucking void that needs to be filled and it will never be filled by possessions. You have never really been here for me anyways just like you never cared about me and never cared about my other 4 kids and still do not. You do not even remember their birthdays. You make me sick. Go shove (criminalized brother’s wife) up your ass cause you manipulated and purgered yourself in court for 2 child molesters, your son and her, why because you like child molesters. That is why you knew david who molested you supposedly as a teenager was then allowed to be around me and (my criminalized brother) with you knowing he was a child diddler and he molested us both for who knows how long. (but it was reported only after my brother told when we were 5 and 6. i was 6 he was 5 it had been happing atleast since i was 4 maybe before that). Just like you like child abusers because you are one yourself that is why it is okay with you for (my brother’s wife) to chase her kid down the hall with a knife and stab a wall and end up cutting her fingers off and you want my son living there after she already has previously abused him and her own kids cause she is just like you. You are a child abuser and you know it and that is why you are angry because the truth hurts and you are hurt because I put the truth in front of you and you do not like it. You let john (her ex boyfriend before stephan) hit us with a stud belt and leave marks across my legs that were like welts you hit me with curtains rods you kicked me in the head you have punched me but I am supposed to forget all this stuff because you want to live in denial and refuse to admit it and say “sorry”. I am supposed to suffer because you abused my son. You smacked him and he fell of the stool in Grammys house on 6th ave. you dragged him by his hair as you did to me when I was younger too because he would not get out of bed. You want to blame me for all (my sons) problems well I did not raise him you did so look at the similarities and stop trying to put the blame on me all the time and realize the fact is that you were his “parent” not me and that is why we both have issues and take some responsibility instead of constantly trying to place the blame on me do you not think you did that to me when I was a teenager enough. You constantly put me down telling me no one was ever going to want me, no one was ever going to wanna marry me because I was a tom boy and did not want to wear what you wanted me to wear and you still make comments about the way I dress, you told me I was stupid and would never amount to anything do you not see what damage you have done and do you still see to this day that you still effect me and hurt me. But then try to convince the professionals that all you have ever done is tried to be here for me and care but I do not let you. No wrong you manipulate the professionals. You did not come here to help me get my kids back you kept promising you would but did not. Then (my crimmanlized brother) put you himself and his newborn and (my brother) and his family and my son in danger with a psychopath and you sent him out here and now I owe a U-Haul bill for that. I got fucked As usual. Then (my crimminalized brother) came here while you had to move your job and sleep in a car and motels. Then I ended up in treatment and (my crimminalized brother) robbed my house again and what did you do stick up for him and he moved to (friends of family)and claimed (my ex husband) robbed it. Then he begged you to come here and it was not until he begged you that you came you did not come for me you came here for him because you rescue (my crimminalized brother) all the time you have never wanted me or my kids never cared about me or my kids you only did that last minute knowing they would say no because you had not been involved and you have not bothered since they have been gone. Not one card not one letter you do not even inquire about how they are you could care less about them. You only care about the other kids just as you had only care about the other kids when we were growing up. That is why you always beat me more than them. Once in a while you hit them but you never kicked them the way you kicked me. You never hit them the way you hit me and you never mentally and emotionally abused them the way you did me. You have always hated me and never cared about me from birth and you expect me to just forget about 30 years of that because you are now happy and for 2 years are trying to change the way you treat me but still deny my feelings and deny you hurt me and expect me to forget it instead of acknowledging my hurt and apologizing you deny the truth and still refuse to recognize your responsibility in hurting me and apologize. And you continue to claim you tried to help me get my kids when you did not and you claim to say you cared about my kids and loved them when you don’t because you don’t even think about them they don’t even get a fucking 50 cent card and 44 cent stamp to mail it to them. So fuck you. Keep supporting your criminal manipulative thief of a son up there and keep lying to yourself and everyone else. I do not need a “family” if that is what you all claim is a “family”.

Believe me come Friday after I talk to the court probation regarding (my son) and file the chins things will change. I already talked to social services. I am doing what I need to do. (my son) is fine at but I am not getting myself in any legal trouble because you all want to manipulate the system. Tomorrow I will go to the school department and talk with them because he does not live in the city and it is illegal for him to be going to that school and I am not going to get myself in trouble because you all want to be deceptive and manipulative. Sorry I do not need to be like you or your children. And I do not need to be like what you all are turning my son into. Good ridden when you croke make sure no one contacts me because I won’t give a fuck and I will be sure to make it well written that none of you are contacted regarding any of my medical needs, mental health needs, nor if I croke you all will not be contacted either. I do not love you at all. I cannot love someone who has done nothing in my life but hurt and abuse me and cause me pain and suffering for themselves. Consider me dead. I don’t care. I have wiped my hands with my sperm donor it won’t be hard to consider you an egg donor considering I have believed for years you found me on your doorstep anyways because you always treated me differently and like I did not matter anyways. Don’t look for me ever again. I hate you!

(this is an email I received from my egg donor today after leaving her voicemail regarding her abuse of me and my son and her blaming me for all his problems when in fact she raised him for 14 years and abused him physically at times as she did me. she also raised us both and we both have issues emotionally but she puts the blame for his issues on me claiming he has problems because of me and refuses to look at the contribution she played in raising both of us and the fact i have only had him for 2 years and yes the problems have just begun 4-5 weeks ago but his grades had improved and he had not been suspended in 2 years. now he has been at my brothers for 4 weeks and his grades have dropped and he has gotten suspended but because i threw her abusing him and i at her along with them trying to coherse my son telling him what to say if i get the courts involved telling her she is screwing him up just as she did all of us when we were his age she now wants to blame me and is disowning me.)

This is the last email you sent me, but apparently it meant nothing. I believe now you will never get over the past and move on to making yourself a better life. You can say anything to me now and I am not going to let it ruin my life. You are the one stuck in the past, I am not. I believed you tried to get (my son) home but, I feel that you have fucked up yourself and continue to blame me for everything that goes wrong in your life. It is you that keeps deciding to be that way and dwell on the negtive. Everytime I think we are trying to make a relationship, you fuck it up. I cant disagree with you about anything, and if I do I am everything in the book to you. Well, I guess it is time to say I love you again no matter what you say or believe and to say goodbye to you. Please give (my son) the car and (my brother) the keys and go on with your life the way you want. I have tried but I am done with the hateful, hurtful things you always say to me. I hope your life gets better for your sake, and (my son) remains in your life, but if you are not careful, you will be the one responsible for pushing him away. I am sorry for everything you feel but I am done (me). I will love you always in my heart, Mom

(this is the email the above the egg donor started her response to but this is an email i wrote to her back in april when we got into an argumnet and i brought up her denying the past abuse and her claiming some things never happened and acting as if it is all in my head and telling me she does not woe me an apology. I finally decide to just bite the bullet and let it go and try to just let her think she was right again as i have always done and this was what i wrote and when i wrote it she never responded but did start talking to me again where as she had not talked to me for like a month almost and when she did talk to me she would not talk about it.)

Over the past couple years I have felt that our relationship has gotten better and you and I have become closer. But I still have this void. I am still missing the things I lost as a child. I am still wanting to be nurtured, loved, cared for, I want to feel secure, I want all the things that I lost as a child and cannot get back but yet keep seeking it.

I also have some unresolved anger and still feel resentful from my childhood and teen years but do not know how to deal with it with you without causing you to be angry with me or making you feel as if I am trying to hurt you. So most of the time I just continue searching for answers and acknowledgment I cannot get from anyone but you and without communication either through writing or talking I will never get it. The biggest thing I have difficulty with is your not believing me about Stephen (her boyfriedn, my fathers half brother who she dated for 5 or 6 years) and I have never received any acknowledgement from you that you do believe he sexually abused me and repeatedly at that it was not just once but almost 4 years. That is what is most hurtful for me. I still go over and over our conversation regarding it when I told you and I relive that conversation in my mind over and over. Trying to figure out just what you were looking for to believe me. What kind of details did you want to know about how he had sex with me. There are things that I could tell you but those things are things I never wanted to tell anyone but in a conversation with (my sister) the other day I told her some of it. Things I would not know unless he had had sex with me. But when you and I had that conversation back when I was 16 I just told you he was uncircumcised and that was not enough for you. You told me “anyone could know that”. Then years later when I was an adult and we were arguing about it you told me if he had really sexually abused me then I would have pressed charges. It was your job to press charges I was a teenager and you were responsible for me. Well you know what now that I have come this far in my life and have progressed to a point where I am not afraid of the secrets inside even though I am just beginning to lose that fear I would press charges if I could but now I believe it is too late although have wonders whether or not if I found a way to be able to press the charges and have him arrested on the charges if maybe then you would believe me. Alls I have sought from you surrounding his repeated sexual violation and use of my body for his own needs is acknowledgment by you believing me and an apology for the hurt I have suffered because of your disbelief in me. I do not want an apology from you because I believe that him using me sexually was in any way your fault or because of you at all. I have never believed that Stephan’s sexual abuse of me was your fault. You had to work you worked long hours to support us no one helped you and you did the best you could regarding that issue. I do not place blame on you at all for it happening. I actually in many ways believe it is my fault that I allowed it to happen knowing from a little girl and being in therapy many years before it happened and during it happening that it was wrong for a grown man to touch me but yet I did not say anything. I let it happen. I did not tell anyone and in some ways I liked the fact that he treated me better than the rest of the kids and bought me cigarettes and gave me money. he also stuck up for me when you were abusing me physically and that is partly why I kept my mouth shut too. I have a lot of my own guilt surrounding it to work through and I still do not believe that I am not partially to blame for it happening and for it continuing to happening for as long as it did.

Mom I am sorry if I have hurt you by any of this. It is not my intention to hurt you but to express to you how I am feeling and the hurt inside me. I am sorry for being unable to effective communicate with you and instead only being able to express my hurt inside when you are already disappointed and angry with me for something I have done. But understand the pain and hurt I have is not just there when you are angry with me or disappointed me. It is there all the time I just find I can only bring it up at those times and I do not bring it up to accuse you of me fucking up presently.

I am going to let you go for now but hope that this helps with some understanding and maybe opens some communication between you and I . I hope that this email does not cause you more hurt than I have already caused recently and want you to know I sincerely did not intend to hurt you. These are things That are always here in my mind, heart, and soul but not always am I able to address them with you. I am working on things in my life and hope that you are willing to work on some of these things with me or I may just have to work on what I can and accept that I might not ever get the belief, apology, and acknowledgment I seek.


Enragement ends in confliction and leaves me confused

So today I really was enraged about an issue that is in my past and being triggered by some events that occur around me presently. It is not an issue that triggers this much anger and rage in me every time it occurs in front of me but for the most part it bothers me alot and enough that it interferes in my life. The issue also brings up more than anger for me though. It brings up grief, guilt, shame, loss, jealousy, disgust, insecurity, fear, helplessness, abandonment, hopelessness, disbelief, trust, dishonesty, discontent, confliction, depression, denial, desperation, insecurities, hate, helplessness, pain, misery, shame, suffering, and plain self-hatred.

Enraged feeling someone protecting an abuser instead of a child but also feeling that very same person acts as if the abuse is not enough abuse or bad enough to do something about or the person does not see enough to report. But yet the person had never until the other day corrected me about what we saw happen and I wonder if now because I became enraged at them for not reporting the abuse if they now minimized the abuse into something less than what really happened or if or if I saw what I really saw. I also wonder why before this they had not said that was not what had happened when I had talked about it and now they are saying it. Now I am confused as to what happened and questioning my own self.

Is it possible to have seen someone react in an abusive way in the past and to just automatically see it as happening that way the next time? Could it be that I imagined the incident or is it that now these 2 people have screwed the story up so much they do not really know what happened considering the person who actually did the act thinks they just knocked a plate out of the child’s hand when in fact the day it happened they had called me apologizing a few hours later for hitting their child and now the second person is saying that they witnessed the person push the child and so neither makes sense to what I saw and their was a fourth person here but that person is not involved here and does not want to nor need to be but I just am wondering why someone would screw with my head this way after 2 months of me being bothered by the child being hit and then to be told the 3rd person never saw im be hit but be pushed like I did not see what I saw. I wonder if I just somehow made it happen in my mind because I had seen her do it to him before when she was angry like that.

I am so confused as what to believe now and how to approach the situation because this person I care about but feel as if the trust is becoming broken for her to protect an abuser which even makes it harder for me to feel she can be trusted. I wish I knew how to bring it up to the person without causing more problems and without getting more angry with them. I also feel like now I am not sure they really will be telling me the truth anyways. I feel so lost as this was someone I really cared about and trusted and now feel manipulated and as if they messed with my head and fucked my mind up by lying and deceiving my thinking as they just did to protect an abuser.



it is so amazing how much double standards run in my family and how my mother will take care of my siblings when there is drug abuse and dealing involved and save them but yet I am criticized and ridiculed and threatened when I fuck up. It is also amazing how she threatens to take my child from me who is almost an adult and is able to care for himself but children who cannot care for themselves are in the midst of this shit and she does not threaten my siblings because she knows they will keep them from her for good so instead she enables them and feeds their behavior and then rescues them.

You know it is funny that I have a worker who is doing the same thing with another of her clients and it angers me so much. She is enabling her abusive behavior and her neglect of her child. The worker makes excuses for the parents behavior and to a degree puts the blame on the child for the parents abuse and it is very angering to me. I understand now why it is so bothersome to me when I see it happening. It is angering because of my experiences with my family. it is also angering because of my jealousy of the other client of having her child and taking it for granted and not caring enough that she could not have him at anytime and how much it hurts to have that permanent void forever in my heart and mind. I also am angry at the system for not giving me the services she has and giving me the chances she gets as i would have been very satisfied and sure would not be doing the things she does daily and not think it is such a big deal. I sure would not think selfishly and put my needs and wants first as she does regularly.


triggered emotions but unsure what lots of thoughts


Today was my nieces birthday. We had a party for her. There was lots of family there. My sperm donor even showed up. It was really difficult for me since I had not seen him since my youngest child who is now 6 1/2 years old was about a month old. I got to see m,y baby sister who is 12 years old also but we did not say much to each other though I said bye and gave her a hug before I left. while they were there and I was still there I retreated downstairs to my sister’s room to work on her computer as I felt very uncomfortable and really did not want to be around them.

First off he sat next to me and did not even acknowledge me for about 5-8 minutes after getting there. then he says oh hi did not recognize and realize that was you. He then went about chatting with everyone else. About half hour later he introduces me and the rest of us to his friend who drove him there. It was then that I eased my way downstairs into retreat. I disappeared until it was time for me to leave. I then said my goodbyes. that may have been my final goodbye to him and I kept it simple and really did not even hug him but vaguely as I do not love him nor have any positive feelings for him. I have no respect no sympathy for him and do not really care that he is dying. I really do not care. I honestly will not cry and I will not attend his funeral when he passes away as I do not consider him to be my DAD nor do I consider him even worthy enough to be called a father to me. He is nothing but a SPERM DONOR. I wish and hope that someday I am able to even prove he is not even that to me as they is a slight possibility he is not even that to me. I can only hope and pray he is not but I cannot be that lucky. Maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to be told I was never his and I am my mothers first true loves child who is also her current husband and they are happily married after being separated for 30 years and leading separate marriages and lives they got back together and got married. I hope and wish I am his. But they wont help me find out and I am not sure why they wont. I od not want to be my sperm donors nor do I want to be the other possibility who is a child molester and messed up my life and molested my mom, my brother, and many others including me as a child. I want to be her current husbands who was her highschool love. But unfortunately I am never that lucky in life. I am never good enough to have been his. Maybe I am the child molesters and that is why she has hated me and abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically my whole life. Maybe that is why she hates me and treats me as an outcast. Maybe that is why she has always shown the other 3 kids of hers more love and that they are cared about but yet has shown me hatred. Maybe I am the makings of the evilness of the child diddler who also fucked up my life as a young child. The one who she allowed near me after he had molested her as a teenager. So in my opinion she caused my molestation and my brothers. She allowed it to occur knowing what he had done to her she should have never allowed him near us never mind alone with us.

Why is it that so many people live in denial as to their responsiblity in a child’s life. Why is it that people believe that they have no responsibility in what happens to children if they did not do it themselves. what if they knew about it? What if they saw it happen? What if they did nothing about knowing about it or seeing it? Would they not be somewhat to blame for that childs difficulties as they got older since they could have put a stop to it or helped that child get away from it or get help for it? Why is it that so many people turn a blind eye or think that is not their duty, responsibility, or job to protect, help, or save a child from abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, emotional, or mental abuse? Why is it so many people can claim to be against abuse but yet do nothing about it or turn around and do the very things that they claim they are against? Why is it that some children and families receive help and take advantage of the system and others do not get any help? Why is it that some families secrets are kept hidden and the children end up fucked up and damaged the rest of their lives like me and then others get help and are oka and able to go on living productive un eventful forgiving resentful manageable stable lives? Why can’t I have my kids? Why can’t I see my kids or have pictures of them? Why cant I just hear their voices? I just want them in my lives. I just want to be in their lives. I miss them alot!


current happenings…

well my son started his shit already tonight and decided he wanted to play my mother and i against eachopther. well whatever if this is what he really wants that is fine. I really do not even want to be here. I want to go home and i have not even been up here for 12 hours yet. I just want to go back to my home and be alone. I want to be by myself and he can stay here where he wants to be. As far as I am concerned he can stay here and never come back.

I have had alot of thoughts through my ride up here with my mother including thinking about her denial of the past way she treated me and how I am going to work on it and be able ot move on from it and wondering if I will ever be able to work through it and get on with my life or will i always be effected by it and never truly be able to live without some tyoe of effect from it and damage caused by the forms of abuse I went through during different periods of my life. The trauma I was subjected to in the past most definately effects my current life and relationships and definitaly effects and causes me anger regarding other people and their treatment of their children. I have alot to face and work on if I ever get up the courage to face and deal with it head on. But I am unsure that will ever happen as there is not really anyone in my life I guess i can trust.