new ideas and desires, new goals

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ok so I have some new things I am looking at and think I want to work on in my life. One of which is my lack of being able to communicate face to face with verbal words with others. It is even hard with the person in my life that I trust the most and she is the person in my life who has never hurt me purposely nor tried to harm me in anyway and cares a whole lot about me I think. It still interferes greatly in my communication and emotional responses to things she says or the thinking process of my life. And so I have decided this is something I really want to work on and address with her. But after doing it in my relationship with her and being able to effectively verbally communicate with her I want to be able to verbally communicate effectively with others in my life and then take it a step further and verbally communicate with everyone.

Then there is the goal that I have decided to work on the building of my life story and work through and process my memories of my childhood and my life leading up till now that has left me to who I am now. I have decided to do this by processing it with pictures, writing, and talking through it. I need to go through the emotions, the thoughts, the experiences that I have avoided feeling, the grief and pain of the losses, the shame, the sadness, along with some of the joys that I did not experience back when i should have. i have decided that I need to be bale to do this at my pace but also with the help from someone else with the urge to move through it instead of avoiding it and running from it when it gets too much for me as I have done in the past. I want to work through it and get through the tunnel of darkness and find the light at the end. I want to experience what others claim I can someday find. i want to someday have the hope that is buried inside me that at times I see glimpses of and it disappears faster than it came and I sometimes believe it was never there. I want to take responsibility for my part of my life where i am responsible for and leave blame and responsibility on the people who are to blame and who were responsible for their parts on them but yet it is hard when the responsibility feels as if most of it was mine and so this is something I really want to work on and adjust in my mind and determine and decide who is responsible and why or why not I am responsible as others claim some of it I am not responsible for but i believe I am and so I feel conflicted. Then there is also my own childrens neglect and the abuse they experienced that I want to work on and work through. I want to trust enough to let my guard down and allow someone to help me through this without doibng what I do best and running and using techniques such as getting angry with that person, finding ways to sabotage the relationship, trying to force them into to leaving, trying to find away into needing to be put away, sabotaging my life, becoming too emotionally unstable and suicidal by triggering anxiety, getting involved in other people’s chaos life issues drugs self-injury or anything to help me avoid facing and dealing with what I truly need to and at this time want to work on. And so as I sit here and write this knowing that though I will at some point battle and fight this I know it is what is needed and what is in the long run best. I know it is what is needed for me to become who ultimately I desire to become. I know it is the way I am going to find the light and the hope i need in life otherwise I may end up dead. And so I need to start working on this stuff. I am taking a stance as I have begun this journey though scary I have started. I took pictures of some of the places I have lived and some of the places where some abuse started, took place, where I whored around as a 12-year-old, where I lived with my kids, the house my husband and i lived when each of our children were born, and some other places that i cannot remember at this moment but some significant places and I plan on making posts on a different blog with each of the pictures and the memories that go along with these pictures. I plan on shedding many tears and coming through this stronger and hopefully more hopeful and with much more purpose in life.

I do not write any of this for anyone else except for myself. I write this with hopes that someday i can look back at it and say WOW I have come so far but if someone reads it and they say WOW I feel that way i am not alone I understand that I am glad there is someone else out there that understands how I feel I though I was alone… I too am glad. As so many times when I think to myself there is no one else who could possible understand and that no one else feels the way I feel, and no one else has ever experienced any pain like I have or that I am so different and so unique I get online and find others like myself, suffering in silence, suffering and alone feeling as if they will never be understood, and never get anywhere, never have meaning or purpose in life, there is no reason to keep going, and why should I keep going on. Why am I breathing. So If someday someone like myself reads my blog even if it is only one person and it helps them feel not so alone and know they are not alone in their feelings of hopelessness, shame, and pain then I guess it was not a waste of time. But in the end none of this is truly a waste of time to begin with because when i someday look back at all this that I have written. I will have a map of how long my journey was and how far I came on this journey and not everyone has that. Not everyone has a record of their life as I will have and not everyone wants one. Maybe then I wont want it or I wont need it and I will erase it of delete it. But for now I believe it is important to my future and so I write it and I keep it.

Another thing I have decided to do is to try to make an effort to say what I mean instead of using wording as a means of verbally escaping my emotions. For example I have been going through alot of emotional distress lately with witnessing some things I would have prefered not seeing and then feeling as if nothing was done about it and then becoming angry about it with someone else. Then my worker leaves on vacation and she leaves me when I am angry with her. Then I leave on vacation in an angry state but not really wanting to go just going to satisfy my family and to do what I am supposed to do to be normal i guess you can say. But yet I still am feeling angry inside me and I am trying to just stay numbed emotionally and pretend life is good and just avoid feeling much. Then the first day we get up north my son starts his shit and pulls a power struggle over a situation that is somewhat similar to and triggering back to somewhat of what was enraging me in my home state where I was on vacation from. And so he threatens to leave me and then has my mom pick him up and asserts the fact he has control over me not me having control over him. And so I felt as if I just wanted to come home and do not even want him to come home with me. He created more rage and anger inside me. That is still there but yet I have had to just leave it there for now and it is stuck there not really sure where to put it what to do with it or how to handle it. then my siblings my brother and sister are dealing with their own issues surrounding neglectfulness and abusiveness of their children that causes me anger/rage and alot of jealousy to be honest that I do not have my children but yet these people have their children. it does not seem fair and sometimes make me want to blow the world up if possible but I know it is not and that my kids are in the world and do nto want to hurt them. then I get a speeding ticket while I am up there trying to drive and read a mapping took a wrong turn and was doing 39 in a 25 and not wearing a seat belt. well I learned a lesson so far. I now wear my seat belt and am trying real hard at monitoring my speed and am not speeding. I then came back really enraged and now am just coming down from that rage. But I have decided to no longer when going through something like this that I am going to try hard not to try to escape it nor talk about escaping it by wanting to run to the hospital or move out or state. I desire to move from where I am but yet I also know that it is prominent when I am trying to escape my anger and rage.

I know there are more services in different states but I know I am not going anywhere so then why continue to use that as a distraction and concern others by trying to avoid my emotions by saying i want to move. yes I sometimes feel like I need to go into the hospital but that for the most part is because that is what I am used to. I am not used to facing things. I am used to going into the hospital to fix things and avoid facing things. I am used to using the hospital as my way of escape from myself and most of the time it works because I get to become aggressive and angry and be put in restraints and fight people and it releases this anger I feel inside physically and most times I go in there after releasing some of the anger on myself either by a suicide attempt or by self harming and so this is a step for me to work on facing the anger but really unsure what to truly do with it if i do not do anything to myself and i do not release it by fighting others who are trying to restrain me and hold me and control. I am trying to work on myself here and this is new.

There is some contentment with these new desires and some confliction. there is a lot of fear and insecurity. I am unsure I truly trust anyone fully though there is a person I trust alot I fear being hurt all the time and fear that everyone on my life has always walked away or eventually leaves and so why would this person be any different especially since she is in the field she is in and I am the person I am. People get sick of me. People decide I am not wort their time. People decide I am a hopeless case and I am a waste of life so what makes me think she is any different. These are the thoughts I want t change but yet they continue to overwhelm me and cause me anxiety regularly.

 

Its amazing how people can just be sperm and egg donors in the world and be so fake

 

(this is my response to the email below from the egg donor i did omit all names from all exchanges and replace with descriptions in parentesis)

You have never been a mother to me you have always treated me like I was your punching bag. And what do you not believe me that Stephan fucked me in your bed saying “oh my god Jesus Christ” when he cummed and then you never believed me and yet I am not supposed to have any hurt from that I am supposed to think you love and care about me when you still deny that you ever hurt me. When you kicked me as I cowered on the floor in the kitchen on pilling street and Grammy tried to stop you and you pushed her. I am supposed to just forget this stuff and move on when you refuse to even recognize the fact that you hurt me and refuse to recognize that you played a part in my trauma and why I now have issues instead you continue to deny everything refuse to take responsibility place the blame on me and try to make everyone believe this shit is all in my head including try to put it back on me telling me you do not believe there is anything you need to apologize for. Why would you not be sorry for hurting your child the way you have hurt me if you truly loved and cared about me. I hurt (my son) emotionally that and I apologized to him because I was sorry but that does not mean that he then has a right to do whatever he wants I have a right to parent him and discipline him without abusing him which is what i have been trying to do but you all continue interfering and i am not abusing him as you did to me and you also did to him. You think you walking away from me now is hurtful well you did that a long time ago. You walked out of my life when I was a child and only have been in my life recently and that is why I have never been able to let go because i do not trust you because you have always abandoned me. You have never been a mother you have always just been a fake in front of professionals just as you were with my son. But yet now want to act as if you know what is best for him when in fact all the years you were raising him you never got anywhere. But yet I am wrong with whatever I do. Look back at your parenting your teenagers and see that (my crimianlized jailburg brother, not the one my son is with) was in jail at 17 and in and out (until recently when he just turned 30), (my brother, the one my son is with currently and previously lived with) you left behind to go live your life when he was stable and wanted to finish highschool so at 16 he had to fend for himself, me you put me away in hospitals and residentials so you could screw my child up and did not have me there to open my mouth to people cause you always hated the fact that I did not like to keep my mouth shut to the professionals, and (my sister) you sent to the sperm donors because she was getting in trouble and you did not want to deal with it but yet you dealt with supporting you boyfriends for many years no matter which one it was they always came first not us kids. What kind of parent were you for a teenager? You were not a parent you cared about your men always before us and now that you are happy with life now you want to try and be a mom and expect me to forget about the rest of my life when you are in denial and refuse to even admit to the past. You expect 30 years of abuse and memoriies to be forgotten and erased just cause you want to deny it and refuse to acknowledge it to me. Take your truck and shove it up your fucking ass I do not need nothing from none of you. Alls I have needed is reall love, care, understanding, and support. I have not gotten that and never have. I do not need your fucking possesions, They do not give me what I need. they may fulfill the rest of the kids voids but why do you think they continue to ask for more. because it is only temporary fulfilment. That is why you are constantly buying shit cause you are empty and have a fucking void that needs to be filled and it will never be filled by possessions. You have never really been here for me anyways just like you never cared about me and never cared about my other 4 kids and still do not. You do not even remember their birthdays. You make me sick. Go shove (criminalized brother’s wife) up your ass cause you manipulated and purgered yourself in court for 2 child molesters, your son and her, why because you like child molesters. That is why you knew david who molested you supposedly as a teenager was then allowed to be around me and (my criminalized brother) with you knowing he was a child diddler and he molested us both for who knows how long. (but it was reported only after my brother told when we were 5 and 6. i was 6 he was 5 it had been happing atleast since i was 4 maybe before that). Just like you like child abusers because you are one yourself that is why it is okay with you for (my brother’s wife) to chase her kid down the hall with a knife and stab a wall and end up cutting her fingers off and you want my son living there after she already has previously abused him and her own kids cause she is just like you. You are a child abuser and you know it and that is why you are angry because the truth hurts and you are hurt because I put the truth in front of you and you do not like it. You let john (her ex boyfriend before stephan) hit us with a stud belt and leave marks across my legs that were like welts you hit me with curtains rods you kicked me in the head you have punched me but I am supposed to forget all this stuff because you want to live in denial and refuse to admit it and say “sorry”. I am supposed to suffer because you abused my son. You smacked him and he fell of the stool in Grammys house on 6th ave. you dragged him by his hair as you did to me when I was younger too because he would not get out of bed. You want to blame me for all (my sons) problems well I did not raise him you did so look at the similarities and stop trying to put the blame on me all the time and realize the fact is that you were his “parent” not me and that is why we both have issues and take some responsibility instead of constantly trying to place the blame on me do you not think you did that to me when I was a teenager enough. You constantly put me down telling me no one was ever going to want me, no one was ever going to wanna marry me because I was a tom boy and did not want to wear what you wanted me to wear and you still make comments about the way I dress, you told me I was stupid and would never amount to anything do you not see what damage you have done and do you still see to this day that you still effect me and hurt me. But then try to convince the professionals that all you have ever done is tried to be here for me and care but I do not let you. No wrong you manipulate the professionals. You did not come here to help me get my kids back you kept promising you would but did not. Then (my crimmanlized brother) put you himself and his newborn and (my brother) and his family and my son in danger with a psychopath and you sent him out here and now I owe a U-Haul bill for that. I got fucked As usual. Then (my crimminalized brother) came here while you had to move your job and sleep in a car and motels. Then I ended up in treatment and (my crimminalized brother) robbed my house again and what did you do stick up for him and he moved to (friends of family)and claimed (my ex husband) robbed it. Then he begged you to come here and it was not until he begged you that you came you did not come for me you came here for him because you rescue (my crimminalized brother) all the time you have never wanted me or my kids never cared about me or my kids you only did that last minute knowing they would say no because you had not been involved and you have not bothered since they have been gone. Not one card not one letter you do not even inquire about how they are you could care less about them. You only care about the other kids just as you had only care about the other kids when we were growing up. That is why you always beat me more than them. Once in a while you hit them but you never kicked them the way you kicked me. You never hit them the way you hit me and you never mentally and emotionally abused them the way you did me. You have always hated me and never cared about me from birth and you expect me to just forget about 30 years of that because you are now happy and for 2 years are trying to change the way you treat me but still deny my feelings and deny you hurt me and expect me to forget it instead of acknowledging my hurt and apologizing you deny the truth and still refuse to recognize your responsibility in hurting me and apologize. And you continue to claim you tried to help me get my kids when you did not and you claim to say you cared about my kids and loved them when you don’t because you don’t even think about them they don’t even get a fucking 50 cent card and 44 cent stamp to mail it to them. So fuck you. Keep supporting your criminal manipulative thief of a son up there and keep lying to yourself and everyone else. I do not need a “family” if that is what you all claim is a “family”.

Believe me come Friday after I talk to the court probation regarding (my son) and file the chins things will change. I already talked to social services. I am doing what I need to do. (my son) is fine at but I am not getting myself in any legal trouble because you all want to manipulate the system. Tomorrow I will go to the school department and talk with them because he does not live in the city and it is illegal for him to be going to that school and I am not going to get myself in trouble because you all want to be deceptive and manipulative. Sorry I do not need to be like you or your children. And I do not need to be like what you all are turning my son into. Good ridden when you croke make sure no one contacts me because I won’t give a fuck and I will be sure to make it well written that none of you are contacted regarding any of my medical needs, mental health needs, nor if I croke you all will not be contacted either. I do not love you at all. I cannot love someone who has done nothing in my life but hurt and abuse me and cause me pain and suffering for themselves. Consider me dead. I don’t care. I have wiped my hands with my sperm donor it won’t be hard to consider you an egg donor considering I have believed for years you found me on your doorstep anyways because you always treated me differently and like I did not matter anyways. Don’t look for me ever again. I hate you!

(this is an email I received from my egg donor today after leaving her voicemail regarding her abuse of me and my son and her blaming me for all his problems when in fact she raised him for 14 years and abused him physically at times as she did me. she also raised us both and we both have issues emotionally but she puts the blame for his issues on me claiming he has problems because of me and refuses to look at the contribution she played in raising both of us and the fact i have only had him for 2 years and yes the problems have just begun 4-5 weeks ago but his grades had improved and he had not been suspended in 2 years. now he has been at my brothers for 4 weeks and his grades have dropped and he has gotten suspended but because i threw her abusing him and i at her along with them trying to coherse my son telling him what to say if i get the courts involved telling her she is screwing him up just as she did all of us when we were his age she now wants to blame me and is disowning me.)

This is the last email you sent me, but apparently it meant nothing. I believe now you will never get over the past and move on to making yourself a better life. You can say anything to me now and I am not going to let it ruin my life. You are the one stuck in the past, I am not. I believed you tried to get (my son) home but, I feel that you have fucked up yourself and continue to blame me for everything that goes wrong in your life. It is you that keeps deciding to be that way and dwell on the negtive. Everytime I think we are trying to make a relationship, you fuck it up. I cant disagree with you about anything, and if I do I am everything in the book to you. Well, I guess it is time to say I love you again no matter what you say or believe and to say goodbye to you. Please give (my son) the car and (my brother) the keys and go on with your life the way you want. I have tried but I am done with the hateful, hurtful things you always say to me. I hope your life gets better for your sake, and (my son) remains in your life, but if you are not careful, you will be the one responsible for pushing him away. I am sorry for everything you feel but I am done (me). I will love you always in my heart, Mom

(this is the email the above the egg donor started her response to but this is an email i wrote to her back in april when we got into an argumnet and i brought up her denying the past abuse and her claiming some things never happened and acting as if it is all in my head and telling me she does not woe me an apology. I finally decide to just bite the bullet and let it go and try to just let her think she was right again as i have always done and this was what i wrote and when i wrote it she never responded but did start talking to me again where as she had not talked to me for like a month almost and when she did talk to me she would not talk about it.)

Over the past couple years I have felt that our relationship has gotten better and you and I have become closer. But I still have this void. I am still missing the things I lost as a child. I am still wanting to be nurtured, loved, cared for, I want to feel secure, I want all the things that I lost as a child and cannot get back but yet keep seeking it.

I also have some unresolved anger and still feel resentful from my childhood and teen years but do not know how to deal with it with you without causing you to be angry with me or making you feel as if I am trying to hurt you. So most of the time I just continue searching for answers and acknowledgment I cannot get from anyone but you and without communication either through writing or talking I will never get it. The biggest thing I have difficulty with is your not believing me about Stephen (her boyfriedn, my fathers half brother who she dated for 5 or 6 years) and I have never received any acknowledgement from you that you do believe he sexually abused me and repeatedly at that it was not just once but almost 4 years. That is what is most hurtful for me. I still go over and over our conversation regarding it when I told you and I relive that conversation in my mind over and over. Trying to figure out just what you were looking for to believe me. What kind of details did you want to know about how he had sex with me. There are things that I could tell you but those things are things I never wanted to tell anyone but in a conversation with (my sister) the other day I told her some of it. Things I would not know unless he had had sex with me. But when you and I had that conversation back when I was 16 I just told you he was uncircumcised and that was not enough for you. You told me “anyone could know that”. Then years later when I was an adult and we were arguing about it you told me if he had really sexually abused me then I would have pressed charges. It was your job to press charges I was a teenager and you were responsible for me. Well you know what now that I have come this far in my life and have progressed to a point where I am not afraid of the secrets inside even though I am just beginning to lose that fear I would press charges if I could but now I believe it is too late although have wonders whether or not if I found a way to be able to press the charges and have him arrested on the charges if maybe then you would believe me. Alls I have sought from you surrounding his repeated sexual violation and use of my body for his own needs is acknowledgment by you believing me and an apology for the hurt I have suffered because of your disbelief in me. I do not want an apology from you because I believe that him using me sexually was in any way your fault or because of you at all. I have never believed that Stephan’s sexual abuse of me was your fault. You had to work you worked long hours to support us no one helped you and you did the best you could regarding that issue. I do not place blame on you at all for it happening. I actually in many ways believe it is my fault that I allowed it to happen knowing from a little girl and being in therapy many years before it happened and during it happening that it was wrong for a grown man to touch me but yet I did not say anything. I let it happen. I did not tell anyone and in some ways I liked the fact that he treated me better than the rest of the kids and bought me cigarettes and gave me money. he also stuck up for me when you were abusing me physically and that is partly why I kept my mouth shut too. I have a lot of my own guilt surrounding it to work through and I still do not believe that I am not partially to blame for it happening and for it continuing to happening for as long as it did.

Mom I am sorry if I have hurt you by any of this. It is not my intention to hurt you but to express to you how I am feeling and the hurt inside me. I am sorry for being unable to effective communicate with you and instead only being able to express my hurt inside when you are already disappointed and angry with me for something I have done. But understand the pain and hurt I have is not just there when you are angry with me or disappointed me. It is there all the time I just find I can only bring it up at those times and I do not bring it up to accuse you of me fucking up presently.

I am going to let you go for now but hope that this helps with some understanding and maybe opens some communication between you and I . I hope that this email does not cause you more hurt than I have already caused recently and want you to know I sincerely did not intend to hurt you. These are things That are always here in my mind, heart, and soul but not always am I able to address them with you. I am working on things in my life and hope that you are willing to work on some of these things with me or I may just have to work on what I can and accept that I might not ever get the belief, apology, and acknowledgment I seek.

 

email i sent about my distress and self destruction

 

I wish I could make all of you all see that my life is not worth the effort and time people and society waste on me. The amount of money for my shortest least medical risked hospitalization I had this year which was the one at the very end of march I was billed for more than $9,000 by Lynchburg general hospital but then the insurance must have finally paid it because after arguing with them several times I have not heard from then since. From my understanding my overdose in February and in June must have been much more expensive than that and if not even so that alone just in those 3 times that is saying that roughly $30,000 has been wasted of taxpayers’ money. That does not include; my medication I am now prescribed, my mental health support payments to ehs, my psychiatrist payments to ehs, my payments to csb for what they claimed to be treatment such as therapy psychiatry and case management; and I am saying just the monetary value of taxpayers’ money being wasted on a worthless life just in the last 10 months not including the factors of wasted effort, care, understanding, concern, and the distress placed upon people who must work with me. it just puts way too much value into a no-good nothing who will never be productive in society and who these resources should not be wasted on. Resources are hard to come by in life and so why is it being wasted on something such as me? Why must society waste their time and effort on a low life such as I when in fact all this could be used elsewhere on deserving individuals who want something more and want to live. People who someday will be worth the money, effort, care, time, and stress. Why Not just stop wasting time services and money on me.

I am not saying that Jane has not helped me tremendously as over the past few months I have gone through a lot with taking my trip to my families and then the emotions coming from stuff like that. She has supported me through difficulties with my landlords and helped me meet with them and express my concerns regarding my lease terms and difficulties with the new neighbors. She also has put up with my unjustifiable anger towards her and not walked away from me as she should have. Jane has supported me and urged me to continue taking my medication even when I don’t want and when I choose not to she still stands by me no matter what my decision has been. She has helped me many times with my hopeless feelings and helped me see some glimpses of hope. We have shared some peaceful moments in the community and doing community activities. She has linked me to services and helped me with things that has been difficult by encouraging me to do things even when I feel unmotivated especially lately when all I want to do is stay in bed she comes and so I have no choice but to make sure I get up. Well not that if I laid there in bed she could do anything really about it but just the fact of her consistency in my life has helped. With all that is happening my life feels so hopeless and though I continue to want to die recently the past week daily every waking hour and I plan the right moment I will do this when she comes here she helps me see more than these thoughts and feelings. She helps me realize that not always do I feel this way even when I feel it is like this always and though it may seem to me it is more and more it also is more and more where there are moment s that I am able to enjoy things in life such as the outdoors, fishing or walking in the woods while talking, I do have more moments than I used to that I can say where I enjoy life but life is still pointless.

My life is falling apart. I am facing criminal charges for my own stupidity and inability to stay away from unhealthy and destructive relationships even when I recognize that the relationship is causing me too much harm and is eventually going to end. I do try to take steps and use skills I have learned including communication skills and the sorts to express what is going on and how things are effecting me and I do try to walk away from things before it gets to points such as this incidence but with all the anger I had been unable to control recently I lost it as I used to. I thought I had learned to control that and only had learned how to take the blame for everything including everyone else’s behaviors and choices and now I face consequences for my own behaviors and choices. I also am having difficulties with my son and now allowed my mouth to hurt him and he won’t come home. I fear if I force him home he will runaway anyways or he will have my mother or brother go to court and take him from me which will not be hard since I have been in the medical hospital for mental health issues 3 times this year and alls he has o do is tell the judge he no longer wants to live with me and he wants to go back with them and that will be that. Then the difficulties with the landlord and the lease issues have now turned into me having to move and I have been giving a 30 day notice to move. Where will I go? I may be on medication that is helping me not take my life somewhat and Jane seeing me consistently helps keep me stable for the time but what will I do ultimately. It seems when I am trying to do as all you professionals claim I need to do to better my life such as take medication I seem to be very angry outwardly rather than inwardly. I feel more anxiety and as if things in my life just are getting worse and I am sitting here doing nothing but accepting all this shit. Though I want to kill myself and I have these pills here that should do me in I just do not feel like I have much in me right now left. I feel like there really is nothing left of me. I am just a shell full of anger and rage at the world with no energy to get rid of it. I contemplate everyday whether to continue these medications as I feel they are holding me back right at this moment from having the energy I need to complete my long 32 years of misery and make this all end for everyone involved.

My son Corey, will be better in the long run as he will never have to deal with me emotionally hurting him or telling him to go away again. He will be able to keep the freedom he has and get the freedom he desires. My mother will be free from the burden of helping me when I am distressed fearing if she does not offer then I will end up attempting to take my life but won’t succeed and then she feels guilty, my siblings will be free of the extra stress me being alive puts on them by hearing my mother complaining about what happens here with me. Corey may then decide to stop acting like me against authority figures in school as I am not a discouragement towards his antiauthority behavior he has in school nor am I helpful and have the answers his day treatment counselor seeks from me regularly. If I had the answers then I would be doing it and he would not have them for services but then why am I the one who am looked to for the answers and looked at as like the problem as if I am the one who has done something wrong when in fact I did not raise him and he has only been under my care for 2 years and has never been suspended so I must have had been doing something right for him until recently. But that’s all over with now anyways and he will ultimately be better off with me gone from his life. My son Daniel is the one I worry about the most as he is the oldest of the 4 I have no rights to and he’s the one who may never get adopted but is in a foster home with foster parents. He is the one I worry may ultimately be most impacted by my choice to end my suffering when he seeks me out as he turns of age. I worry he will feel I did not love him enough to keep fighting for him back when I chose not to continue the appeals and then I chose to not wait for him and fighting life waiting for him and that is my fear but in the end when he is an adult and comes to understand that I was never going to get anywhere and would always be miserable and worthless and useless even when he sought me out I hope that he will then realize I loved him and wanted better for him when he grew into a man and so I would rather not be here living suffering still when he grew up. The 2 girls are together and though Autumn was old enough to remember I hope Winter will never remember me and will always only have memories of her adoptive family and so I hope that they keep each other safe and are able to help each other throughout life be stronger women than I have ever or would have ever been. My youngest son may have some vague memories of me but I doubt it and just want for him to forget me as he has a mother who will give him more than I ever could. She hates me and I am sure both sets of adoptive families will teach my children that I was useless and that they will hate me anyways. And so though I desire and yearn to be better for them when they grew older it has been over 4 years now and I still am no different. I am going to be homeless soon as I was back when I fought for them. I am facing criminal charges that could land me in jail and I could get jail time. I most definitely am getting a criminal record out of this because I am not a liar and though the other person involved can lie to any and everyone and swear on their mothers grave and the bible though I am not religious I still will not lie nor sear on peoples life’s or graves or urns or whatever even when telling the truth I would rather just be trusted and tell the truth and so I am not going to lie in court as I did not lie to the police or the magistrate when I went there. I told the truth. I admitted to my wrongs. I also told them I would do it again to if I saw what I saw the many times I saw things happen there at that house. And so I have to deal with the consequences from that choice though I also see a correlation between the fact that in the past when I have been medicated by psychiatrists I have had anger problems outwardly too but when not on medication I more have anger problems inwardly and am able to let my anger and frustrations with others go much easier or to not let their behaviors bother me as much. And more recently I have gotten myself into a pattern of not caring about other issues that in the past I would greatly care about and would cause me so much distress when I placed myself into those situations that I would want to die or hurt myself because of the guilt and shame I felt. Now I just go do the shit and don’t care. I don’t care about the mental effects it causes me and I keep them to myself allowing them to race through my mind. I don’t care about the dangers I am placing myself into. I don’t care about the long term consequences the choices could have which are all things that have been issues for me in the past and I have been in this mode in the past though I can say that it has been a medication thing or not but I just more think the distress, shame, and guilt is not there because of the meds which is a positive in a way but also a big negative because I don’t care about any of the consequences and so I just let whatever happen and do whatever just don’t care. My life is crumbling around me and the water is getting deeper but yet my raft I am floating on is dwindling. And so I have decided maybe I don’t need these pills as much as they are helpful they are also harmful and are keeping me suffering here in life. I am not living though. I don’t have a life. I may be breathing, I may have a heartbeat and they may detect some sort of brainwaves in my head though I am not sure anymore. I am only managing with the help of Jane I am doing all these things but I don’t want to manage. If I cannot live then there is no point in breathing, letting my heart beat, or my brain to continue telling the rest of my organs to keep going. So I stopped my meds yesterday. It is just as damaging for me to take them as it is for me not to take them in my opinion. So I don’t care Everything in my life is falling apart and my life is not worth all this money he system pays to medical providers to keep saving. So ask that if I am found when I decide to let go of life for no one to interfere. I ask that you realize what value there is in Jane as she has helped me so much lately when I have been distressed from all that has been happening and she has supported me encouraged me and worked with me to feel better, to motivate, she has taught me how to trust and that people can care about people without hurting them. Jane is helpful and none of it will ever be because she did or said the wrong thing to me. I do know none of you will never understand but I hope that you will realize someday that I was long gone and a lost cause way before any of you were ever involved in my life. I was destined to die young or live in misery till I am old which would you choose. Die young while people can still speak good things about you and possible leave them hopefully leave them with some positive good lasting memories of you or stay living angrily being miserable and causing everyone to hate you and no one to want to remember you or wanting to even show up at your funeral. You know my choice and just think of it from my point.

At this time I am not immediately going to kill myself so do not get any of your bright ideas of having me eco’d or tdo’d because I am just writing to wanting to express how I feel about things and let you know where I stand on life. I want people to realize that I am a waste of time, money, and resources. I want you to see realize and understand that I struggle and though it gets hard and rough at times there have been some better experiences in my life since my worker was changed 14 months ago. So ask does that mean I keep going that it will definitely get better more and more, no I doubt that since in the last 3 weeks everything around me in my life has falling apart though I am managing it. Maybe if I did not have a mental health worker I trusted and who could help me motivate and get out of bed when all I want to do is sleep then maybe I would already be dead. Maybe I would have taken all those pills a week ago. Maybe if I was not taking the medication I was taking until yesterday I would be in worse shape and then maybe the rest of the services would not help me but I doubt the medication has that much power since the meds are meds I have been on previous and in combination before and alls I see they do for me is cause me more anxiety, make me paranoid or the symptom of paranoia from my BPD come out in me more prominently that I recognize it and it is bothersome to me, make me not care about things I was ashamed of previously and felt guilty for when I did place myself in those situations, and helped me feel my pent up anger and outwardly express it more rather than blame myself or let others blame me and me accept the blame but yet they also have helped my thinking to slow down
and my impulsivity to lesson. They have helped me rationally and emotionally think more in combination so I use my wise mind regarding suicide and self harm and drugs use but not other dangerous behaviors that are impulsive, dangerous, emotionally, mentally, and possibly medically harmful to me. So how long do you think they will take to be completely gone from my system and I can get back to being me and feeling the way I should and being who I really am meant to be?

Well I hope this is helpful to you to understand where I am coming from and what happens. I called the other day just because I knew I needed someone to understand me more than just Jane. I mean she understands to a point but not sure she understands just as I am sure the same goes for you. Will anyone ever fully understand. Nope. Do people try to understand sometimes. Sometimes people do not care enough to try. Sometimes they realize I am not worth their time. Maybe you fit into one category but who knows. I may never know just as all the fakes in my life previously have led me to believe they cared and turned and left me and lied claiming they would not. Lied well anyways I am just struggling and sometimes I just need to talk to more than just Jane I guess and so I called and I have learned to work with you. There was a time when I could not trust you and said I would never talk to you ever again. Now when I feel I am struggling and Jane is not available or I need someone else besides her you are the one I run to. Yeah I talk to family about my stressors but from a rational point rather than an emotional or wise mind point. So I will leave you be and hopefully tonight I will sleep as last night I was up and not home until I came home at 4:30 in the morning and then the night before I did not sleep at all and slept about 3 hours Saturday to make it up. My sleep has been messed up and disturbed all week but I guess it won’t matter too much. Well hope you understand better and life never treats you as it has me. I hope you a long and prosperous life and that when things look as despairing as mine does you have someone to call or write to too.

 

My conflictions with my worker

Worries & Concerns In human life and mental re...

Worries & Concerns In human life and mental relationship in form of a Mind Map. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I wonder how it is that one week my support worker and I could have such a good week and the week before we had a week filled with anger and rage so much that I thought I would never be able to face her without feeling so much hurt and resentment from my past and taking it out on her. Then it exploded inside of me and came out not without truth to what I was saying to her but what she felt was misdirected at her though to me there was much truth the rage was misdirected the subject that was at hand was the trigger of my rage but gave me no right to direct that anger and rage towards her. I wish I could take it back but cannot.

Now I sit here feeling hurt again as she blew me off in a way, though we had talked about her not coming today earlier in the week and I offered her to not come tonight so she could visit with her son since she was going out-of-town where he lives but she said she would let me know. Then as she left my house last night she said she would be over tonight. Though now she blew me off. I even texted her about something that has been on my mind most of the day and I was going to talk to her about when she came and she did not respond. That was more than an hour after she was supposed to be here. Then I called her more than 2 hours after she was supposed to be here and she did not answer. It is these times that I tend to worry something happened to her and her family while driving because they drive so many places and on trips alot and worries me. I always worry she is going to e gone out of my life, that something is going to happen to her. Especially in times like this when she ignores me or she blows me off which is not that often that she blows me off most of the time she easily tries to explain it away as a misunderstanding. But it worries me alot.

Then I also feel hurt that she had told me that she would be here tonight and did not show up and never called me and now did not respond to my text or answer my call. It is like she purposely is now ignoring now that she did not show up. then she will usually use some excuse about her phone being dead, or that she left it in the car, or it was downstairs on the charger, or she left it at home, or that she just realized she missed my call. I just do not understand how it is that she tries so hard to get me to trust her and then hurts me like this. She tries to make me believe that I am cared about and I matter then she does stuff like this that only proves to me I don’t and that she does not really care and that I do not matter and that it is more of a job to her than she claims now than it was a year ago when we began to work together. Even her whole attitude and emotional aspect towards the work has changed. It is like she no longer has the passion she had when I started working with her. Maybe I fucked it all up. Maybe I burned her out and should just walk away and let her get her passion back so she can help others.

She really is a great worker and I really messed things up. Maybe it is just me she no longer truly wants to work with though she says she does and she claims to really care about but yet it just feels especially at times like this that she is blowing me off and does not care how it affects me or what outcome comes from it. Well owell guess it really does not matter. Guess it only matters to me. It does not truly matter to her.

Been lied to and unsure how to precede but I am hurt the damage is done

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There has to be some simple explanation. This really cannot happen. I had some comfort in knowing that I had found someone in the world who may have really been trustworthy and who might actually have cared and tried to understand as best they could. This has run through my mind several times since that day but only tonight has it really hit me to a point that I realize the damage and its true effects. Where there is one lie there is always another and with that second lie I heard I will not ever know what is the truth and what is a lie anymore. In the past I have thought a few times there were some questionable things where I thought I was being lied to but there was nothing I could do and really not much of a way I could prove it to myself that I had been lied to blatantly and purposely.

Now I am and have been trying so hard to figure a wy to explain these 2 lies away. One is completely none of my business but I do have proof that I was blatantly lied to straight to my face by the only person I believed did not have it in them to hurt me that way knowing how I felt about lies and how hurt I have been by lies in my past. I have tried to talk myself out of facing the truth of being lied to because I care so much and feel great value in the person who done this to me. I do know though if I were to turn a blind eye to it will not get any better and my anger is going to continue to keep building until I explode and it will keep repeating itself until that person walks away from me or I am dead. unless there is someway of resolving this and rebuilding the damaged trust they had earned and I mean they really earned it I did not give them any bit of it freely. They worked very hard to break through the walls I had built only to break that trust over someone protecting someones else.

I guess that is part of the cycles. the cycle of abuse along with codependence, caretaking, and protection of abusers instead of the abused. So how do I proceed from here? i feel this is going to take me over the edge. I am so hurt. Then to top it all off i called my previous therapist up the other day while I was struggling over some issues and contemplating some suicidal thinking asking if she would ever see me as a client again where as I ended the therapy feeling as if it was no longing progressing and had been saying that for about 2 years. i had been saying therapy was unproductive and no longer beneficial and requesting for a change in therapist for a couple of years never to receive one then finally I forced them into closing my case at there agency and have not been in therapy since. But with the last overdose and the recent struggle and my immediate thoughts of wanting to die I called her. I had written to her a week or so before this and got no response to the email. Well she at the time of termination advised against it but yet now says I made the right decision and that therapy had not progressed and that she would not see me now as we had too much past interferences in which we struggled to get through and it hindered my treatment and she felt I should try to go get a different therapist in the community rather than one in their agency since I had so much resentment against that agency regarding the loss of my children. So she rejected me and pretty much does not want me and showed to me she never really cared anyways about me. Now I am feeling as if my current person in my life is just the same a pretender and fake, Someone who will to my face pretend and say they are going to help but when it comes down to it do nothing to help except pawn me off to others or force me to keeping living in this miserable world instead of realizing there is no reason for me to keep going on in this fucked up life and letting me kill myself. why is it that they will not see my pain and understand why I must do what I desire to do? why is it they claim it is such a selfish act but yet they do not see that they are being just as selfish by forcing me to continue living and breathing in misery? can they not see people and the world will be better without me? Can people not see there is no one who will really not miss me? If they lie about somethings then they must also be lying about how much they would be bothered by me dying. And so I begin my planning. I will go being payments on a cemetery plot this week, then I will look into buying myself a headstone for my cemetery plot, and then I will make the arrangements for my death and take my life at my own hands. fuck it forget what they all claim and forget about their lies because that’s all it is out of their mouths and I am starting to think that’s all it ever was. Just an act sitting at the hospital while I layed their after overdosing where you really there or did you leave and claim you were there just cause i would never remember anyways. Did you just do all that for the extra hours you got paid because I realize now that the trust you earned was built on falseness and so I was manipulated again by another manipulator in my life. How much more did you plan on manipulating me out of before thinking I wouldn’t realize or that I would let it go as long as I believed you cared about me and you pretended you cared and I mattered. But I never have and never did. Well guess what you should have let me die. I wanted to die and I should be dead right now why did you make me stay alive. I wanna die. Let me die.

Enragement ends in confliction and leaves me confused

So today I really was enraged about an issue that is in my past and being triggered by some events that occur around me presently. It is not an issue that triggers this much anger and rage in me every time it occurs in front of me but for the most part it bothers me alot and enough that it interferes in my life. The issue also brings up more than anger for me though. It brings up grief, guilt, shame, loss, jealousy, disgust, insecurity, fear, helplessness, abandonment, hopelessness, disbelief, trust, dishonesty, discontent, confliction, depression, denial, desperation, insecurities, hate, helplessness, pain, misery, shame, suffering, and plain self-hatred.

Enraged feeling someone protecting an abuser instead of a child but also feeling that very same person acts as if the abuse is not enough abuse or bad enough to do something about or the person does not see enough to report. But yet the person had never until the other day corrected me about what we saw happen and I wonder if now because I became enraged at them for not reporting the abuse if they now minimized the abuse into something less than what really happened or if or if I saw what I really saw. I also wonder why before this they had not said that was not what had happened when I had talked about it and now they are saying it. Now I am confused as to what happened and questioning my own self.

Is it possible to have seen someone react in an abusive way in the past and to just automatically see it as happening that way the next time? Could it be that I imagined the incident or is it that now these 2 people have screwed the story up so much they do not really know what happened considering the person who actually did the act thinks they just knocked a plate out of the child’s hand when in fact the day it happened they had called me apologizing a few hours later for hitting their child and now the second person is saying that they witnessed the person push the child and so neither makes sense to what I saw and their was a fourth person here but that person is not involved here and does not want to nor need to be but I just am wondering why someone would screw with my head this way after 2 months of me being bothered by the child being hit and then to be told the 3rd person never saw im be hit but be pushed like I did not see what I saw. I wonder if I just somehow made it happen in my mind because I had seen her do it to him before when she was angry like that.

I am so confused as what to believe now and how to approach the situation because this person I care about but feel as if the trust is becoming broken for her to protect an abuser which even makes it harder for me to feel she can be trusted. I wish I knew how to bring it up to the person without causing more problems and without getting more angry with them. I also feel like now I am not sure they really will be telling me the truth anyways. I feel so lost as this was someone I really cared about and trusted and now feel manipulated and as if they messed with my head and fucked my mind up by lying and deceiving my thinking as they just did to protect an abuser.

My day and odd fear and panic tonight

 

Today has been an odd day for me. It started out waking up early as it has been normal as of lately which is actually early for me but normal for me lately. Then I went out to the garden and worked on clearing the garden plot of the diseased plants and dumped the potato bucket that I thought was growing no potatoes in it but it had some in it and i ruined the growh process and so the potatos i got are real small. So I decided the potatoes i did get I am going to try to replant and get some bigger potatoes from the small ones. I also am preparing to plant some brocoli seeds, cabbage seeds, greens, squash, and some more green beans for the second crops of the season.

Then I spent some time on the computer and read several very interesting articles today. I alos labeled several pictures I had taken on vacation of my picture timeline of some of my life events. Some of it was hard to look at and go over some of the memories and of course some of the memories I skipped over and did not label nor view the picture. instead I quickly did the ones I could handle and when it became too much for me I suddenly felt overwelmed and tired and went and layed down to rest a while. Then my worker came.

We took a ride to a campground were we plan on going camping on the night of august 11th and sitting in front of the campfire and going out of a boat fishing and hopefully I am able to just let go of the outside life and leave everything else behind and just enjoy things. There has been so much anger within me lately I am sick ofit I just want for it to go away and for my walls to not be so thick and for them to come down a little as they had before. i had let them down before. My worker had earned her trust and worked hard at proving she was trustworthy enough for me to let my walls down but I quickly got scared and built them back up thicker and higher. I wish they were not there somedays as I want to get through the inner pain and experience joy with life. I want to experience inner peace, contentment, and happiness. I want to be okay with me and satisfied with who I am.

Then we came back to my house and chatted a while and as she was getting getting ready to leave I felt as if I had regressed. I did not want her to leave. I did not want her to go home. I wanted to go home with her. I thought she might never come back even though intectually I knew she would be back monday and I would see her then a Fear came over em that I was losing her and that she was leaving. I felt sad. I wanted to go with her for some reason. I asked her if I could go and she said no which I knew she was going to but yet I wanted to go. I did nto want to stay home. I was going to miss her and she was only going home to her house accross town for the weekend. As she pulled out the driveway I felt the tear come out my eye and walk away. I also felt stupid and unsure what was going on with me. I knew I was acting stupid and felt very emotional but yet was unsure why and was not sure why I was so attached at that moment as I had been so very angry with her for the past few weeks. This felt very strange and odd to me. I felt overwelmed by her leaving tonight and saddened. I almost felt as if I was losing her and I am not sure why. I felt a panic and cried when I came in the house. I felt like a stupid little child. I was crying for no reason. Well atleast I hope it was for no reason but I guess time will tell come Monday when I am scheduled to see he.