I have not been here in a really long time. A lot has changed since I was writing my daily blog as a journal back then. A few key things are that my best friend who at the time was not my friend but instead a worker has changed jobs allowing for us to be friends outside the mental health field. well that went well for a while and I stayed at her place last summer helping out with her sick dying father having a good summer getting to know her extended family and being apart of real life and people. Then I moved to a new town at the end of the summer where I thought it would be the greatest thing that happened in a long time living wise. I however found that it has driven my only friendship into more of a distanced friendship. Not long after moving my friends dad got sicker and went into hospice at the VA hospital and then her and I became even more distanced as she battled with the pain of losing her dad as I have hoped mine would just go for so long now but some how he keeps surviving on oxygen and whatever else the treatment they are providing him. I am unsure since we are estranged do to my choice in the fact that we must protect ourselves in life mentally, physically, and emotionally and he being in my life was unhealthy. Yet I hurt for my friend especially after spending the summer with her and seeing what a dad is and what a father daughter relationship should be. It hurt seeing the man dying and not being able to change that for my friend. She deserved to have him survive and he deserved to survive. He was a nice, softened emotional man who is kind, accepting, and caring towards others even in his pain he was a caring man and not selfish. Something I was not used to in life seeing from men. So I saw a lot and learned even more.
Eight months ago I moved to this new town not too faraway from where I was but far since I do not own a car and have to rely on my feet. well not long after moving here I had issues with my leg that turned out to actually be a back problem and lead me to need surgery. In february I had the surgery on my lower back and now my issue with my foot going numb and my whole leg having pain has resolved. Instead I now have a new not resolved medical issue we are currently looking into and test being run to find out whats going on and I am a bit scared. Well I am actually more afraid than anyone knows, realizes, and I will say to them. For 20 years I have wanted to die off and on. I have not lived and have only thought of life as having no point or purpose. Very few times in these 20 years have I been happy and content with my life where it was and where it was going. But I repeatedly failed at ending it too cowardly to follow through and complete a suicide yet attempted it several times yet seeking help before it was too late. Now all those times I thought I wanted to die is in fact coming back on me and there is damage from my choices to swallow handfuls of pills in hopes of not waking up. Now my liver levels are all too high and the tests they run are pointing to cirrhosis of the liver. Now I do not want to die and maybe it is too late since the past affects my future and the choices from my past are shortening my future.
my 4 kids that have been adopted after my parental rights were terminated back in 2007 may not get to reunite with me. I am hurting as that has been a big part of my surviving the choices. The oldest of the 4 will be 18 in just under 4 years and the youngest still has 8 years before she is 18. Then I also have my 20-year-old son who is on his own trying to still learn life and how to navigate through life. He has his grandmother who raised him most of his life and my brother who has been like a brother to him since he was born and I attempted to take my life when he was 6 weeks old but he could lose me if I do not straighten up for good and stop wanting to die so much that I make choices forcing me into the death I do not want. But how do I tell him there is an issue I am having medically? How do I fight with the knowledge I may not see my babies again? How do I get people to hear me and understand I do not want to die but instead there are many things still left for me to do and that I should be here for? How do I get others to understand and then help me in my fight to live? Is it possible after having the past I have had and after making the choices I have made? I am not who I was 2 years ago when I stopped writing here and I am not who I was last summer. I am who i am now and I am trying to get others to see that my life is deserving and I am deserving of understanding, acceptance, and help. I want people to see I have change and do not want to make the choices of the past and though I realize I am who i am I am going through what I am and I am who I am because the life experiences I have gone through but that I have changed the choices I make today and though I wanted to die before I do not want to now. I want to live. there are reasons for me to live and go on. There are things left unfinished in my life and I need to be here for. There are other lives I need to be here to help over the next 10 years when my kids seek answers only I can answer for them with the truth. i want to be here for each and every one of them when and if they desire to reunite with me as they grow and become adults and someday have their own families. I want to be apart of each of their lives and I do not want to not be here when they come searching and cause them more pain when the questions cannot be answered because I am gone. So I moved here to this town needing change but instead I have met much more than that. Instead of just change my whole life is changing and yet the past is still effecting my future and I have been unable to get people to understand and know that is the case. my past may have brought me here today but it should not make my future shorter.