Monday, December 3, 2012 at 2:17AM
I have been severely over eating lately! Could be the combo of everything combined or a single thing. Not smoking, no it taking my wellbutrin or topomax, stress and loneliness , and boredom amongst fear and other emotions.
I have decided I am going on a fast as of Sunday evening until Friday evening maybe even Saturday ! When talking to Jane about this she immediately made a somewhat hurtful comment regarding she will expect a downfall from me. She will brace herself for thus emotional tailspin. It hurts she thinks this way and openly voiced her disgust with me . it feels obvious to me she is angry with me and trying to get back at me. Its obvious at these times she’s frustrated with everything I do or say and so my best bet is to be silent and say nothing to her. Hide away everything. Act as if its all good even when I feel things are not. Stay silent don’t speak keep quiet. If not I may lose her. I may be unable to hide myself well with her but I will try!
We watched the parade today after sitting and eating Mexican at el mariachi restraint on main and 12th street corner. It was great time brought back memories. Haven’t been to huge parade or Xmas stuff really since losing my kids. I talked a lot through it and trying to have her understand, but mainly she wasn’t paying attention as we were there for the parade not to talk about my past. Had a wonderful walk there discussing new approval of dsm5 and concerns. It was the way home that I allowed my thoughts to creep in and tried to voice my fear but and talk about my plan of fasting. I was met with maybe truth but its not always what’s said that is as hurtful as the context and feeling behind it. So I need to remember to have silent, speak nothing of my fear, hurt, or anything that will bother or tip her over!
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