Been lied to and unsure how to precede but I am hurt the damage is done

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There has to be some simple explanation. This really cannot happen. I had some comfort in knowing that I had found someone in the world who may have really been trustworthy and who might actually have cared and tried to understand as best they could. This has run through my mind several times since that day but only tonight has it really hit me to a point that I realize the damage and its true effects. Where there is one lie there is always another and with that second lie I heard I will not ever know what is the truth and what is a lie anymore. In the past I have thought a few times there were some questionable things where I thought I was being lied to but there was nothing I could do and really not much of a way I could prove it to myself that I had been lied to blatantly and purposely.

Now I am and have been trying so hard to figure a wy to explain these 2 lies away. One is completely none of my business but I do have proof that I was blatantly lied to straight to my face by the only person I believed did not have it in them to hurt me that way knowing how I felt about lies and how hurt I have been by lies in my past. I have tried to talk myself out of facing the truth of being lied to because I care so much and feel great value in the person who done this to me. I do know though if I were to turn a blind eye to it will not get any better and my anger is going to continue to keep building until I explode and it will keep repeating itself until that person walks away from me or I am dead. unless there is someway of resolving this and rebuilding the damaged trust they had earned and I mean they really earned it I did not give them any bit of it freely. They worked very hard to break through the walls I had built only to break that trust over someone protecting someones else.

I guess that is part of the cycles. the cycle of abuse along with codependence, caretaking, and protection of abusers instead of the abused. So how do I proceed from here? i feel this is going to take me over the edge. I am so hurt. Then to top it all off i called my previous therapist up the other day while I was struggling over some issues and contemplating some suicidal thinking asking if she would ever see me as a client again where as I ended the therapy feeling as if it was no longing progressing and had been saying that for about 2 years. i had been saying therapy was unproductive and no longer beneficial and requesting for a change in therapist for a couple of years never to receive one then finally I forced them into closing my case at there agency and have not been in therapy since. But with the last overdose and the recent struggle and my immediate thoughts of wanting to die I called her. I had written to her a week or so before this and got no response to the email. Well she at the time of termination advised against it but yet now says I made the right decision and that therapy had not progressed and that she would not see me now as we had too much past interferences in which we struggled to get through and it hindered my treatment and she felt I should try to go get a different therapist in the community rather than one in their agency since I had so much resentment against that agency regarding the loss of my children. So she rejected me and pretty much does not want me and showed to me she never really cared anyways about me. Now I am feeling as if my current person in my life is just the same a pretender and fake, Someone who will to my face pretend and say they are going to help but when it comes down to it do nothing to help except pawn me off to others or force me to keeping living in this miserable world instead of realizing there is no reason for me to keep going on in this fucked up life and letting me kill myself. why is it that they will not see my pain and understand why I must do what I desire to do? why is it they claim it is such a selfish act but yet they do not see that they are being just as selfish by forcing me to continue living and breathing in misery? can they not see people and the world will be better without me? Can people not see there is no one who will really not miss me? If they lie about somethings then they must also be lying about how much they would be bothered by me dying. And so I begin my planning. I will go being payments on a cemetery plot this week, then I will look into buying myself a headstone for my cemetery plot, and then I will make the arrangements for my death and take my life at my own hands. fuck it forget what they all claim and forget about their lies because that’s all it is out of their mouths and I am starting to think that’s all it ever was. Just an act sitting at the hospital while I layed their after overdosing where you really there or did you leave and claim you were there just cause i would never remember anyways. Did you just do all that for the extra hours you got paid because I realize now that the trust you earned was built on falseness and so I was manipulated again by another manipulator in my life. How much more did you plan on manipulating me out of before thinking I wouldn’t realize or that I would let it go as long as I believed you cared about me and you pretended you cared and I mattered. But I never have and never did. Well guess what you should have let me die. I wanted to die and I should be dead right now why did you make me stay alive. I wanna die. Let me die.

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5 thoughts on “Been lied to and unsure how to precede but I am hurt the damage is done

  1. Wow, you are really in a very dark space, very deep in the hole. Don’t you currently have a therapist you can call? I have been where you are, I also have a very hard time with people that lie, can’t stand it. I no longer rely on others because of the lies, I no that I won’t lie to myself anyway. Please try to hang on, please take your medications as they are prescribed, please talk to a therapist or check into a hospital. You do matter!!!

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    • Well I hope that after the conversation I had this morning with the person things are more clearer for me with what happened and they clarified the misstatements or “lies” minimization which they did to refocus me and get me away from what was my focus on the time and not so enraged since the trigger was actually what I was so angry about but in reality it was triggering my own experiences. I ended up going to sleep after writing and awoke this morning and called the person immediately to talk to them hoping that the trust was not broken and that they had not lied. Hoping there was some simple way of explaining it all away. I was hoping this was all just a big nightmare and I would awake from it soon. But I found out it was not but it was not as bad as my anxiety was causing me to feel about though I still feel somewhat hurt by the manipulation and mind games that was played. My life is not really as valuable as people may think and in a heartbeat I wish it away. I need it to end. Unfortunately I am stuck here and I must fight this battle as most others do right now and so I keep fighting and I continue on for now. I do not have a therapist but I do have a mental health support worker which is the person who lied to me and manipulated me just to calm me down and get me not to be so angry because another of her clients who is my friend at times triggers my past when I am already working through stuff. I appreciate your concern and all your thoughtful comments. I am glad someone took the time to hear me. Thank you for your supportive words and gentle feedback. Thanks for the helpful words and inspiring messages.

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  2. Pingback: Confusion regarding desire to end my pain « Daily Life and My Avoidance

  3. I just want to let you know that I am here for you. I do not have much advise other than to reach out. I sincerely hope that you find your happy place once again and find some hope. I really hope that you do not hurt yourself for you are very precious and are worth it to keep going. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
    All my love,
    Kimmy
    http://www.withoutalabel.me

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    • Sometimes it feels I am alone even since my brother moved here a couple months ago. Now having 2 of them here though they seem to do all kinds of stuff together I am left out. Though they need money or food they bang on my door otherwise I don’t seem to exist. I apparently don’t matter nor belong. It’s so lonely even in a world with so many people.

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