Four years ago today we said our goodbyes. But those goodbyes were not forever. Those goodbyes were only temporary until you reach the age of legality and seek me. When you come looking for me I will be here. I will be here for you and hopefully by then have already been reunited with your brother and will have atleast been able to start rebuilding the bonds we had torn to shreds.
Remember that last hour we spent together? Though you probably don’t I do. I cried before, during, and many hours after that last hour I had with you. It was the same day you graduated from your preschool and you had a yellow shirt on and brought a balloon. The visit was with you, your brother Corey, your nana, and me. Your therapist and my case manager were there watching us as we spent that last hour playing and talking as if it was just one of many hours we spent and would spent together. It was hard cause of your age and knowing you did not understand what was really happing and that would be the last time we would part for many years to come.
Well I spent the last 10 minutes of that hour with you alone, just you and I with our workers there watching. Making sure you were okay, I was okay, and that I did not run away with you. though I would have loved to I knew and still know that living on the run and in hiding would not be any type of life for you or any of your siblings. It would never be stable, we would have to be constantly in hiding, and we would be moving more than we had ever done in those first 5 years of your life. that is not the life I wanted you to have and so I never have and will attempt that instead I await you and each of your other siblings reunification. those 10 minutes we talked and though you were young we talked about remembering eachother and always knowing we will be watching the same stars under the same sky and moon at night. we talked about how much i will miss you and I still do even more than I thought I ever would. I miss all of you but you were special. You were my baby girl, my first daughter, my pride and the guilt I feel for failing to protect you hinders me day after day. But it gives me hope knowing you will someday be back in my life and we will be able to build memories together. I may not have the memories of your growth and they may get those by themselves someday we will share those memories and be able to talk about those that I am missing now hopefully.