1. Increase my verbal communication skills. Though communicating in writing is very helpful for me I need to better be able to communicate verbally and confidently. I need to be able to communicate more immediately when something is going on rather than avoid the communication altogether. I need to work on verbally being able to express how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way rather than running from the experience and allowing myself gain more pain from the added miscommunication and understanding from the lack of verbal communication.
2. Work on my automatic thoughts of suicide and my desire to die every time I feel lonely, hurt, hopeless, worthless, disappointed, rejected, depressed, and like escaping the pains of life. I want to change my thought patterns including the ones regarding life, running, escaping, moving, being pessimistic, and just the idea that nothing will ever get better or improve in my life so what is the point of continuing to live or try to try to improve anything.
3. Work on regaining some hobbies in my life that are joyful and fulfill my inside. I used to enjoy drawing, crafts, reading, writing, computer things, and just different solo activities. Then there were the activities I would do for others that gave me a sense of being needed by others and having a purpose that I no longer feel I have. I want to increase my hobbies and my doing for others without others expectations of me or asking me to do the stuff. Maybe like volunteering at different places twice monthly of maybe 1 time weekly. Something to create some purpose and structure in my schedule. Maybe work on creating webpages, blogging, my life story to go along with the picture timeline I started. Create structure for myself so that there is not so much downtime in my life where there is nothing for me to except to think about all the things I have done wrong and all the things I could have done and did not do. All the things I have missed out on in my children’s lives and all the things I am missing out on. All The things I have screwed up and all the ways I screwed my kids up and all the ways I should have done things differently. I need to get back to finding ways of “avoiding” the shoulda, woulda, coulda syndrome. Though I really want to enjoy what I am doing and maybe someday possibly have something to show for the time I used to “avoid” the time.
4. I want to work through a program fully with assignments that are processed and not skipped. I do not want to pick and choose the ones I am going to do and the ones I am going to avoid. I am never going to get anywhere really doing things my way when people have proven to be helped other ways by working things fully and completely. Accepting admitting the emotions rather than running from it and hiding it. But I need to work on the trust. I want to trust. I do not want to work on escape. I want to work on meaningful trustful activities where somehow I can find a way to “just trust” without questioning motive or distrusting and placing my wall back up quicker than it ever came down and building it thicker.
5. I want to work on stabilizing my need for escaping including housing and stabilizing my life by wanting to move though I want to move out of the city. I want to stop going back and forth in my relationship with my boyfriend. I know being in a relationship with my boyfriend and being in a sexual relationship with men are not healthy for me at this time but yet when I need to escape or destabilize my already becoming unstabilizing life or sabotage my life when it is beginning to stabilize one of the first things I do is run to a relationship that I know is unhealthy for me, makes me angry and causes me to become very anger prone, is manipulating to me, triggers me due to the sexual nature of the relationship and the constant pressure of sex from the boyfriend, and my feeling of owing him sex because of his financial help provided. I also feel as if I am somewhat in a position of powerlessness at times because without him I may be unable to have what I need financially as though he does provide some financial help it is angering and frustrating to deal with his constant lies and manipulation and pushiness for sex. I am forever feeling as if I need to provide him with payment sexually like a prostitute and feel as I did when I was at times when I was younger which then creates anger in me. I want to change this pattern of behavior and change in my seeking of self sabotage when things are beginning to either starting to get a bit unstable or a bit better or beginning to scare me emotionally.