triggered emotions but unsure what lots of thoughts

 

Today was my nieces birthday. We had a party for her. There was lots of family there. My sperm donor even showed up. It was really difficult for me since I had not seen him since my youngest child who is now 6 1/2 years old was about a month old. I got to see m,y baby sister who is 12 years old also but we did not say much to each other though I said bye and gave her a hug before I left. while they were there and I was still there I retreated downstairs to my sister’s room to work on her computer as I felt very uncomfortable and really did not want to be around them.

First off he sat next to me and did not even acknowledge me for about 5-8 minutes after getting there. then he says oh hi did not recognize and realize that was you. He then went about chatting with everyone else. About half hour later he introduces me and the rest of us to his friend who drove him there. It was then that I eased my way downstairs into retreat. I disappeared until it was time for me to leave. I then said my goodbyes. that may have been my final goodbye to him and I kept it simple and really did not even hug him but vaguely as I do not love him nor have any positive feelings for him. I have no respect no sympathy for him and do not really care that he is dying. I really do not care. I honestly will not cry and I will not attend his funeral when he passes away as I do not consider him to be my DAD nor do I consider him even worthy enough to be called a father to me. He is nothing but a SPERM DONOR. I wish and hope that someday I am able to even prove he is not even that to me as they is a slight possibility he is not even that to me. I can only hope and pray he is not but I cannot be that lucky. Maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to be told I was never his and I am my mothers first true loves child who is also her current husband and they are happily married after being separated for 30 years and leading separate marriages and lives they got back together and got married. I hope and wish I am his. But they wont help me find out and I am not sure why they wont. I od not want to be my sperm donors nor do I want to be the other possibility who is a child molester and messed up my life and molested my mom, my brother, and many others including me as a child. I want to be her current husbands who was her highschool love. But unfortunately I am never that lucky in life. I am never good enough to have been his. Maybe I am the child molesters and that is why she has hated me and abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically my whole life. Maybe that is why she hates me and treats me as an outcast. Maybe that is why she has always shown the other 3 kids of hers more love and that they are cared about but yet has shown me hatred. Maybe I am the makings of the evilness of the child diddler who also fucked up my life as a young child. The one who she allowed near me after he had molested her as a teenager. So in my opinion she caused my molestation and my brothers. She allowed it to occur knowing what he had done to her she should have never allowed him near us never mind alone with us.

Why is it that so many people live in denial as to their responsiblity in a child’s life. Why is it that people believe that they have no responsibility in what happens to children if they did not do it themselves. what if they knew about it? What if they saw it happen? What if they did nothing about knowing about it or seeing it? Would they not be somewhat to blame for that childs difficulties as they got older since they could have put a stop to it or helped that child get away from it or get help for it? Why is it that so many people turn a blind eye or think that is not their duty, responsibility, or job to protect, help, or save a child from abuse, whether it be sexual, physical, emotional, or mental abuse? Why is it so many people can claim to be against abuse but yet do nothing about it or turn around and do the very things that they claim they are against? Why is it that some children and families receive help and take advantage of the system and others do not get any help? Why is it that some families secrets are kept hidden and the children end up fucked up and damaged the rest of their lives like me and then others get help and are oka and able to go on living productive un eventful forgiving resentful manageable stable lives? Why can’t I have my kids? Why can’t I see my kids or have pictures of them? Why cant I just hear their voices? I just want them in my lives. I just want to be in their lives. I miss them alot!

 

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One thought on “triggered emotions but unsure what lots of thoughts

  1. Wow, what an emotional post. When I had to be in the same room with my father, I ended up feeling like a child again, what I learned years later, it was because I had locked my inner child away when my sexual abuse started & she didn’t grow up, so when I was around him, I was the age she was. I am so sorry that your mother treats you so badly, she is to blame for not protecting you.

    Like

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