Thoughts this morning

Well here starts the challenge. However, should not be a challenge as I went many times without someone in my life and no one has ever really cared anyway I feel the next few days will e a challenge for me.

At least being alone is difficult and my worker leaving was hard for me as I was angry with her. I tried not to let it interfere but it did. I was not angry with her for leaving but I was angry more at myself for things in my past and angry with others in the system that failed to help me but took it out on her. The one thing that does anger me though is being lied to and though she insists she did not lie to me, I am not sure she told me the truth nor will I ever know if she lied. She claims she deleted so many messages from me which I know is true but those specific messages I had sent the night before and she was the one who tried to prove to me so quickly, defensively, and volunteered the information to me that her phone was dead all night and she did not charge it and so pretended to not have gotten my messages the previous night when in fact she appears to have gotten them an just pretended not to.

I wish she were just honest with me. I wish that if she did not want me texting her or if she did not want to hear about certain shit she just said so rather than pretending it was okay only to leave me feeling the way I feel now or for me to feel she does not read them or does not care about what I say or does not want me texting her at times. Why does she not just say so? Why does she just not tell me the truth and tell me not to text her. I would respect her wishes. I wish she realized that I care enough about her to care what she asks me and to try to respect her and what she wants to the best of my abilities as much as possible. Some things are hard for me when I am in an emotional state such as yesterday when I did not want to allow my anger to interfere in our time together before she left for vacation but the emotions got the best of me and interfered more than I wanted them to. I wished they had not. I wished they had stayed in control, as I had wanted them to.

Separations trigger a lot in me and I just have difficulties handling it along with everything else that was also going on within my mind. I wish I were more able to manage my emotions and control when things interfere in my life. I wish I was more in control of my emotional mind and more in my wise mind at all times. I wish my life were happier and more stable. I wish I did not need the security from others and reassurance from others they care to feel life matters. I wish life mattered to me more than to others but it really does not at this point in time. I wish someday I would find what happiness other people have found in their lives that they did not always have but have been able to find and achieve through hard work and perseverance. Someday maybe I will get there.


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