The days productiveness


Today was mostly a productive day although I did not get all I had wanted to get done I did get alot done.Yesterday I got most of the kitchen done but still had the dishes to finish today and still have not finished them. Did do some shopping which I had planned to not do until I got back from my trip up north to visit with the so-called “family“. We can pick and choose our friends but we cannot choose our family and so I guess they are my family and I must accept that at some point though I do not have to like it nor do I have to accept their behaviors or attitudes towards me. I did buy myself some new hair bleach and dye. So I am in the process of bleaching it as I type and plan on dying it once i return from my trip. I cannot dye it the bright fuchsia I bought before going on my trip as I will be criticized by my mother but do plan on shaving the underside of my head before going like possibly tomorrow and know my mother will have plenty of comments regarding that but I will just have to ignore her and know I have a right to look the way I want to look.

I got my living room done today and vacuumed with my new vacuum cleaner but did not get the dishes done. I cut the wood for my book shelf I need that I will try to put together tomorrow so I can unpack my books before leaving on my trip. I am doing my laundry over the next few days and will hopefully have everything in its place, unpacked, hung up and done before I leave so when I get back there will be nothing needing done.

My son has decided he does not want to come home with me when I come home in 2 weeks and so he plans on staying until very end of July at latest 2nd of august. As he needs to be back for an appointment august 3rd. So I will be alone for a couple of weeks which i hate. I hate being alone just on weekends when he stays at my brothers even when it is just Saturdays but the whole weekend kills me now what will I do for 2 weeks by myself. Think I may go crazy from my loneliness.

I tried to rototill my garden today so that I can rearrange it before I leave for my trip but was unable to keep the rototiller running long enough to do anything with it so will try again tomorrow. I want to move my tomato ad pepper plants so that I can weed the corn and green plants that I cannot get to because the tomato and pepper plants are in the way. i cannot even get to the green beans to pick them and so I must move the tomato plants atleast but cannot till the space where I want to put them without the rototiller and it does not want to stay stared for some reason. It is so frustrating to me. It seems everything I want to do and planned on doing in the next few days before leaving does not want to get done or is not supposed to be done. And so instead I watered and fertilized the garden tonight which I had not planned on doing until tomorrow and then i planned on putting some pesticide on it before leaving Tuesday evening which I will still do. But hopefully I am able to get these plants moved.

I still have mine and my sons room to complete and the dishes to get done and about 2 more loads of laundry to finish before leaving but should be able to finish all that as long as I stay motivated which seems I am lacking today.

Though I am not depressed I am still having a motivation problem and having an issue with personal care which was never really a problem for me in the past but has grown to be a problem over the past couple years I guess. It is something I really need to work on and would like to work on. I need to make a better conscious effort on working on it I guess. I use to be overly self-aware of personal care and shower too much and be obsessive about cleaning my walls and things all being in their places but not now. Now things just pile up. Now things don’t have places. Now things just get thrown around. Now I can go days without showing and not even realize it. The depression really lowered my self-care and personal standards and I really want to change the habits I have now formed. I would rather be how I used to be. i would rather be overly obsessive about it rather than not care and not recognize any of it for days or until things are too overwhelming for me to do anything about any of it.

All and all today was a productive day. I miss talking to my mental health worker already but she checked in with me and I know she made it safe and hope she is enjoying herself. She is an inspiration to me. She has made it a half century in life. That is an accomplishment in my opinion as I have difficulties believing that is possible for me to do and that I will make it that far. But I have more hope than I did a few weeks ago and now know I do not want my life to end at my own hands. I do not want to ever be where I have been before. I do not want to feel the way I felt a few weeks ago. I do not want to get to that point ever again in my life. I want more for myself and my life. I want to have hope and happiness. I want to live.



One thought on “The days productiveness

  1. A real post, good. When the depression is heavy, this is a good post to come back to & reread. You talked about being able to choose friends, but not family. I saw my family, especially my father disown my younger brother when he came out that he was gay. So when I decided that I was wasting my energy & time thinking that I was going to have some kind of family with my abusive parents, both mother & father, I let them go (disowning them) & moved on with my life. I haven’t talked or seen them for 10yrs now, I’m much happier. I have friends that I consider family, we are that close.


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