The anger I feel

This week has been a very different week for me though yesterday and today has been rough it has not been easy it has been okay. Today has been difficult but I have almost made it through and the day is almost done. I am going to write this and then lay down as I have an early morning with a friend of mine needing some help and picking me p at 7 am to go help her start packing up her house.

I did do some writing this week but did not post them to my blog yet as some of it is sensitive material and some f it just may not be appropriate for the public’s eyes though I may just post them just for some feed back as tonight has been difficult for me as I have obsessed over yesterdays incidents and it boiled over into today and ended up contributing to an already difficult time for me. Instead of managing it as I planned I allowed my emotions to get in the way and was unable able to stay in control of myself and let myself not stay silent as I had said to myself I was going to do last night. I was hoping I was going to handle saying goodbye to my mental health worker as she left for vacation but instead my anger, which really has nothing to do with, or relationship got in the way. A big part of it s the fact that goodbyes are not good for me and separations are not good for me as it is hard for me to trust people will come back as so many people have left me behind and so many people have lied to me in the past. So many people have betrayed me. However, I allow things with other people to interfere in my treatment and I allow her reaction and treatment methods of other clients to effect my emotions and trust in her. I wrote about some of it last night. I may just move that post to another of my blogs as to not interfere with this one.

I was always involved in a system that failed me as a child. Now I sit and watch as the system failed to help me keep my family together. Yes, I had my faults. Yes, I got angry and frustrated at things my children did and how they behaved. I reacted at times in ways I wish I could have changed. I stayed in a relationship with my children’s father in which both of us should not have stayed together. We both were abusive towards each other, held resentments, had anger issues, and had no control over our emotions and reacted in abusive manners toward each other. Our abusiveness towards each other was harmful to our children, emotion and mentally. We were both neglectful in caring for the children’s psychological, mental, and emotional needs as we abused each other mentally, emotionally, and physically in their presence. My house was never clean and my children knew how to manipulate me to get their way most of the time. But I was a work in progress and I was always able to say I needed help, I could not do it by myself, I recognized the need for change in their lives even if things did not immediately change for the good I was always trying new things and making an effort to address what was happening in my home, I was honest with people, I never encouraged my kids to lie, I never told my kids they were liars, I never abused my kids or called them names or criticized them, and when my husband laid his hands on my children the 3 times I remember we got into severe physical altercations where I made a point to let him know I disapproved of my children being abused or disciplined physically in nature. I may not have taught my children the best ways of dealing with altercations as violence is never the best way to deal with anger and you should never tell a child not to hit and then hit but as I said earlier I had my faults and so I do understand some things to a degree.

I was raised in a system. My life consisted of being failed by the system and then the system failed to help me when I needed help in raising my own child and so the cycle continued with my children. Nevertheless, there are people who claim to want their children and then act as if they could care less about them. People anger me in the system who are there to help people change their lives and who should be protecting the children whether they are the child’s worker or the parents worker and instead they minimize the parent responsibilities and act as if it is the child’s fault what is going on. I feel as if I am reliving some of what I experienced in my own life and it is 27 years later when things have supposedly changed for the better in this world. People are supposedly better at recognizing the signs and effects abuse and neglect has on children and their responsibilities to the children in the world not just to the parents. It is not just a parents responsibility to raise a child nowadays it is the publics responsibility to protect that child if they witness that child’s abuse, neglect, or need for help.

Therefore, I have allowed myself to be hindered by some recent incidents that occurred and the anger seems to be over taken me. However, not just because of the events that occurred and in this moment I am sitting here able to recognize why I am so angered by what occurred. I am angered more about the fact that though I had many people in my life that could have helped me and should have seen what was happening and been able to protect me they did not. They could not read my mind. They could not help me because I stayed silent. I allowed the secrets to stay a secret and no one saw any of the signs or recognized my pain. No one helped me when I needed help as a child, as a teenager, as a wife, as a young mother, as a struggling, angry hurt distressed parent afraid to lose the only thing that mattered in my life. No one helped me. No protected me from losing my world, my life. They are gone. My life has been stolen. My life was stolen. I suffer a lot. Suffer many days. I do not suffer everyday as I did in the past but there are many days I suffer in silence. I still have many secrets that no one has ever cared enough to help me through. I still hold my secrets that I have held for many years and maybe I will die with them inside me. Maybe they will stay buried deep within or maybe someday there will be someone in my life with who I am able to work through this all and someday I will no longer get so angry over such issues, maybe I will not get so obsessed and feel so hurt when people do not care. Maybe I will care enough about myself and my life to make something of myself.

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One thought on “The anger I feel

  1. This is so sad. There is no good manual to learn how to be a good parent from, we are supposed to learn how to parent from our parents, but when we have bad parents like I did as well, how does one learn to be a good parent? The only way I can contribute to being able to successfully be a good parent is that I raised my kids the way I had always wished that I had been raised, I was the type of parent that I always wished I had growing up. It is very sad that you didn’t get the help that you needed & obviously asked for, that wasn’t fair. I do hope that you are able to see your kids again, even if it’s after they are adults, it’s never too late to make that loving connection with them. It is very horrible to see other people that don’t cherish their children, it helps me to remember that they weren’t taught to, like us, & don’t have the ability to figure out how to do what I did, it doesn’t excuse what they are doing in any way, it just helps me to allow me to not spend so much of my time thinking about it.

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