There are dark dark days where there seems there will never be any light and the day will never end. Then there are days like yesterday where some darkness appears and the clouds just hang there not wanting to fade away but by the end of the night the sky clears and the moon shines bright and the day ends okay. Then there are days like today where the whole day the sun shined bright and the stars could be seen from miles away. Nothing could make the day much brighter than it was today.
I had a very good day today got lots accomplished, did a good deed though not sure it was good for the little dog but it sure made the children happy to see their “pinky” and to have here home though the dismay the parents showed about the dog being home-made me disappointed we fond the owners as I would have brought her home and cared for her better than she was being cared for there, I know in my heart and it made feel better to see the brightness in those children’s eyes and the big smiles as they jumped up and down when I was walking up towards them to ask if they knew who owned her. We picked her up on the main road and searched for her owners for about 20 minutes maybe a little longer than that and I just wanted to keep her. I just wanted to hold her, love her, cuddle her, care for her, and show her she mattered. She seemed poorly cared for and needed a flea bath and her tail was all mangled with something but I would have got her help and cared for her. But I walked away from there saddened by the parents dismay but joyed by the children’s happiness. I had just made those 4 little kids day and they made mine. My worker and I had done our good deed for the day and I was proud.
We also went to lunch with a friend of mine and I really enjoyed the meal and atmosphere. We had good conversation and I had a great time with the 2 ladies. Then I also got a great many phone calls done that I needed to do to change, reschedule, and make appointments for both myself and my son. I trimmed some of the garden and watered it.
Then to top the day off my mother told me she was giving me the card back that I receive money on that I have been giving her to pay her back for the money she gave me for a major fuck up around my last suicide attempt. which gives me a great break as I owed her like $900 and she is saying I now owe her nothing because school is going to be starting for my son and he is going to need school clothes and supplies. She is giving me a break on like $300 and I really appreciate it and know that I do not deserve it especially after what I did the last week. Though it is not for me she is doing it though it relieve much stress off of me and will help me feel less anxiety as school is approaching and my son is growing into a man. And so I really appreciate this as I know she does not have to do this and I do not deserve it but it is going to help a whole lot as I struggle so much lately trying to make everything work and not have to let anyone know I cannot do it.
So though a week ago tomorrow there was no light in me dark pit of agony and my life seemed so hopeless I had decided to take and came the closest I had ever been. And if it was just a little while longer maybe 10-15 minutes longer before they found I would not have been here to enjoy this day. I came so close to not feeling any pain ever again but I also gain so close to never feeling any joy either. I would never have been able to brighten those children’s lives or provide fresh vegetables to my friend who has no one really in her life. I would not have been able to have lunch with my worker and other friend who is having so stressors of her own. And I probably would not be as motivated as I am right now to do the things I am do. I believe from this whole experience I believe I want to live and I need to find ways to help myself do that rather than looking for ways to escape life and the pain it has brought me. I believe I might have some hope in my life now and see somethings a little differently even if some days still get cloudy I don’t ever want to get to the point I was just under a week ago. I thought I had been there many times before that but that was different and that is what has changed things in me. At least for now and I hope that I stay able to keep some hope even if the darkness sneaks in on me again. TODAY was a GREAT DAY!!!