this weekends failure at ending life

so this weekend I had another failed attempt at ending my life and though supposedly came close to succeeding I obviously failed with much regret though some insight into things. I am not wanted even by the man upstairs. he never even showed up for me.  My family pretended to care so much in a crisis and then turn right back around and the very things that trigger me into feeling unloved, hated, uncared for, and that I have no reason to live. Wow what a show they put on, I guess and harassing the doctors and all and then blowing up my brother who lives here phone and then calling my mental health support worker also. Needless to say yesterday I was glad I survived and today I am very disappointed I failed. I layed there on my bed wondering if my life will ever end or ever get better. I layed there wonder what it is that I can do to improve my quality of life and how can i do it without needing to rely on anyone as someone is bound to let you down at some point or another even if unintentional. But I came to the conclusion that though some people may be capable of doing it I am a needy person and at some points feel like I seek child like emotional attachments and so I need people in my life to fulfill the little child in me that never seemed to have gotten what she needed growing up and now still cannot get it from the one who should have given it to her back then.

and so I am coming into some rocky emotional days I guess need to expect myself to just be and go through them without acting on them or entertaining them. I need to experience all the emotions from this failed attempt and get through this. it is hard to explain and hard to express but i will do it and get through it.


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