My Downfall

So I am beginning to have a downfall as the day gets closer. My thoughts are getting more focused on negativity and the positivity I am losing sight of. It is almost gone. i have been trying to keep myself busy and help others in my life but that has only made me more of a failure as everything I tell them I have been told and though the stuff I am saying to them is the right things to say and I am not just saying them for that reason I am saying them because I believe they are true for them but i cannot seem to get past the part where these things are right for others but not for me. Where others deserve to be cared about, loved, and need hope and should not kill themselves as there are many reasons they should not end their lives but for me there are many more reasons why people are better off with out me. There are many more reasons why I should end my life such as all the troubles I have endowed to my children through genetics and also through the neglect they endured the early years before being taking from me. The promise I made to them to go with the social workers and behave and I promised them I would get them back. But did  truly fight? NO! I gave up in reality… I quit. I am a quitter. If I had fought I would have won and got them back and gave them the life they deserved. The life I always said my kids would have. A life unfull of chaos, domestic abuse, trauma, abandonment, hurt, shame, pain, guilt, loss, instability, and abuse. These as I was growing up feeling, experiencing, and witnessing I swore my children would never go through and I would never put them through but yet my kids did and it was because of me they had to go through it. It was because I was weak and unable to stand up for them and what I believed that they should never experience. My kids are better off if I am dead before they come searching for me. I have been taking my medications but have decided to stop because the more I take on a daily basis the less I have for the final day.

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2 thoughts on “My Downfall

  1. This was so hard to read….I know you do not know me no I you but there is just something in me that wants to be able to help because I KNOW how this feels!!! Last summer I was closer to suicide than I had ever dreamed anyone could be and still be alive today! I know how shitty relationships within a family kill us from the inside out when nothing but the best intentions are seemingly meant. I know this awful pain of bitterness and resentment and utter hopelessness that lives inside us at all times…I KNOW how this feels and I even know the bit about stopping taking my meds so I have “more” for that final day. Saying the same things to others as they have said to you in the past about what’s going on…I’ve been there too…to many times! I know how futile to say that this really is hope or freedom or even a bit more of feeling better because I never believed it when I was told that. It is all just SO convoluted and messy that what else is there left to do but to end it!?!? You are NOT ALONE!!!
    ❤ Hope

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  2. Please make sure you reach out to someone now! If you have a crisis team, psychiatrist, doctor … ? You are clearly in crisis, and the suicidal tone to your posts are very strong. I hope you find a way to get the help you need right now. Be well

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