So today I dropped. I am slipping. No more positivity though I am trying to hold on it is not happening. I am trying to not let the darkness of the depression take hold but it is. The negativity is taking control of me. The thoughts have crept in here and there throughout the day and I have pushed them away. I have told myself all day long I am not going to let myself fall back down. I am not going to let this get back down as it was though I knew I was fooling myself as I began to allow the thoughts of suicide to creep in here and there and then would push them away. I have pushed them from my mind all day long and this evening a few times I have entertained them.
I then tried to cancel my next appointment with my mental health worker which I am not really sure why I said it but as I said it and she asked why the thought came to mind that I need to distance myself from her. I need to detach as the day was coming. I need to let her go. Then quickly I told my thoughts to stop and said to her I would see her Saturday and we made plans on what we would be doing that day. I walked her out to her car and she drove away. After she left I stood there for a moment as I do most of the time. I looked to the sky and watched the lightning. It was amazing.
I made a phone call to a friend and then spoke with her for a bit and decided I no longer needed to take my medication because I will need them for the upcoming day when I take my life. Then she told me to promise I would take them though I had not told her I was not taking them for that reason I just told her I did not feel like taking them tonight I was tired and did not need them tonight. She said for me to promise and I did but I am not taking them because I need them for the upcoming day.
I may not go with my worker on Saturday. I may just stay home. I may just sleep all day and not open the door. I may just not respond to her phone calls or anyone else’s although what is going to suck is the landlord is coming that day and my brother also comes to pick my son up that afternoon and so I will not be able to really hide out because if I don’t answer the phone or door she will probably end up calling the cops or something and I do not want my landlord or my brother to see any or that or know what is happening. I really do not want to alert anyone as to what is going to happen soon. I am not going to be stopped this time. I already told her I will not call her this time once I have ingested the pills I will lay down and die peacefully in the elements of nature where I belong. I do not want to be saved and though I want to say goodbye a letter will have to do for everyone because no one can be trusted anymore. I will not call anyone not any mental health worker, not a hotline, not 911, nor family, not friends, and I will not call to say goodbye to anyone.
- Are you your thoughts ? (blowyourshine.wordpress.com)