feeling as if i have no one truly cares the way i need them to though they say the do

Well the day started off very good this morning I walk around 11 and did some work in the garden although spent about a little less than 2 hours out there and when I went out there this evening it appears to me as if I had done nothing much out there as there is still so many weeds and it seems as if I really did not even weed much as I thought I did. It appears as if I did nothing. But I really was out there for about an hour and 40 minutes. Although I started the day with lots of ambition and motivation. I had planned on getting lots done and I was upbeat and positive, very shocking to me these past 2 days but I was going along with it and bam my energy seemed to have started dropping sometime midday around 2:30-3 pm I sat at the computer researching somethings for my friend who was coming over for supper.

This friend is an older lady not really elderly but older with many health problems and so she is interested in making a living will or advanced directive and a will in which she can leave her possessions to specific people. Though she is not rich and does not have much she treasures what she does have and does not want her stuff devalued and so I was trying to help her by researching this stuff and printing out information for her before she got here for supper and was bothered by something I had experienced about a month ago regarding my own medical and psychiatric advanced directive I had written out and have of yet rewritten which I really need to do but have been really hesitant and not wanting to do but need to do like within the next 2 days. and so that is when the energy began to deplete. The thoughts began to remind me of what was said and how I felt through that and how I am still unsure of the truth of that whole situation. The chain of events that occurred so quickly during the last 3 months has led me to feel and believe it is not what it is being blamed on.

I just feel so confused right now. i just want to know the truth from people. Why can’t people just be honest and tell the truth these days. For the most part people’s actions show me I don’t matter to them and that my life does not matter and neither does my feelings and my loneliness. But then there are the people whose actions convey the very thing that most of their actions say and then their actions try to push me away and mine try to push them away or when theirs are trying not to push me away mine are trying to push them away and when I am trying to push them away they are trying not to be pushed away and trying make me believe they care and I matter. When I really do not matter. The people I should matter to and want to matter to the most I will never matter to and I only matter to when I am in the hospital. my family do not bother with me.

Then I have this friend who seems to want me around just t have me around because she does not like to be alone but yet ignores me while I am there or when I try to talk to he r when I am depressed she just blows what i am talking about off as if it is unimportant and does not matter. She is not really capable of caring and cares to her capability but I do not believe it is healthy for me to have a friend that is shallowly and minimizes my thoughts and feelings as if they are nothing. She really does seem to be incapable and unable of recognizing the importance of validation of someone elses experiences and feelings and empathy. She will say oh I understand what you are going through and then say but you just got to get over it and then she walks out the room and goes watches television leaves me there crying or thinking obsessively. Or she will tell me don’t cry, then say I mean crying is good but don’t cry it will be okay just don’t worry about it everything will be okay it will be fine. I am just unsure how to handle it anymore.

She has a young child who she consistent invalidates and tells him he does not feel the way he feels or tells something did nt happen the way it happened even when it actually did happen the way he says it happened. I will be sitting right there and watch the whole incident and then he will get into trouble for something that he did nothing truly wrong about and then when he explains it she starts yelling telling him he is lying and that it did not happen that way that it happened this way and she tells him and explains it differently like trying to feed false memories into him and he will argue with her that it happened the way it really happened then she will send him to his room and punish him for it and he gets really angry and ends up throwing a rageful tantrum over this. I end up feeling very powerless as the child is trapped in this home where he is being mentally manipulated and his mind is being messed with severely. The child makes stories up sometimes now when he thinks he is going to be in trouble when there is nothing wrong with what he did. The child needs some help before it is too late for him but of course people like her who truly know they are damaging their children and don’t care and don’t want help and do not want to change do not ever end up with social services taking their children but yet people such as myself who got services for my children and who constantly knew I did not want my children growing up as I did an do I constantly was honest about what was going on in my home and constantly sought help from all different agencies for my children get fucked and end up getting my kids taken and never get them back. Not to say she does not love her son because she loves him as much she is capable of loving him but she is only capable on loving anyone even her children really shallowly and more on a materialistic level.

And so if she can only love shallowly I will never truly get what I am needing from her as a friend. My family pretty much is out of the question. My mom claims she loves me and wants nothing to happen to me and if I do not call her she will complain she has not heard from me but yet then when I do call her she hardly answers and does not really care about what goes on in my life unless I am fucking up or I have tried to kill myself. Then I am forming 2 other new friendships one is a very busy person and so that is forming very slowly but is going well and she is a very nice person and I am very interested in getting to know her more though I understand she works long hours and does not have a whole lot of time and the other is coming along though she came over for supper tonight and I have gone to her house a few times transportation is an issue with the both of us and it is difficult but hopefully that will work out soon. Then I have my mental health support worker and her agency who claim to care about me from a professional level and standpoint but that is not the type of caring I am seeking and is not what I desire and need in order for me to feel there is a reason for me to be here anymore. If no one cares then why stay here. Why will it matter? If my mother only cares when I am in the hospital medically for trying to kill myself than maybe if I completely end up she will realize how much she did not show me she cared or maybe she realize how much she really did not care. Cause the way I feel is that she truly does not care and I really do not matter to her or anyone else in life.

And so I started the day off really in a much better mood than I am ending it and that is somewhat disappointing as I was hoping the positiveness was going to last. I was reluctant and not trusting of it though as it was not normal for me and was more than I had experienced in more than I can remember as it has been so long since I had been really so positive and so I will end this with hopes of waking up in a much better space than I am going to go to bed in.

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