Complete change in thinking over night hmm…

What a difference today has been! I went to sleep sometime around 4:30 this morning and woke up around 10am. But before going to sleep I finally did something about the boxes that had sat in the kitchen packed since moving down here from the apartment upstairs as I had not unpacked really because I have been really depressed and done nothing. i have not even finished moving my stuff and cleaning the apartment upstairs. I had pretty much given up on everything and my son just has gone about whatever it is he had been doing with his life that he does day in and day out as I had sunk myself deeper and deeper into the darkness. I finally unpacked the pans, dishes and the dry/canned foods and put them all away at about 2 am this morning. My kitchen now seems a bit more livable but yet not completely fully done as there are still 3 boxes in there that do not belong in there. I then finally fell asleep at about sometime around 4:30 this morning and still was feeling uneasy about life conflicted and unsure and depressed. But I woke this morning first feeling deceived and immediately called a friend and talked with her for a few minutes and then had to call my worker and question her about the feelings of deception after that I felt relieved and called my friend back. while talking to her my mood change to changed for the good.  I for some reason had a very odd change in life views and began to view things in a different light.

I have had a very productive day today. It has been positive. I have had some not had very many negative thoughts. I have not actively been thinking about my desires to die. I have been quite surprised by my positive feelings and productively though have not wanted to embrace it as I know it never lasts though usually has never lasted a day sometimes I have enjoyed moments or an hour or a few hours but not usually the whole day so maybe tomorrow can be just as good. Maybe this most recent depression and the processing of feelings and writing and thinking has helped me get through alot that I usually hold in. Maybe it is just time for me to stop harboring the pain and let go of the misery and hold onto the moments of joy I have had. May I need to embrace the little things I do find some peace in. I did some things in the garden today even if it was not much it was some, it was better than doing none and it was better than laying in bed or feeding my suicidal thoughts and plans. I worked on some things that need to get done though they did not get finished I did some which is a step towards getting them finished. I cannot get them finished if I never start them or if I never try to work at them. And so this has been the approach today and I am quite content and somewhat happy with my day. i am somewhat proud of my productivity. I do not trust these feelings of contentment, the productivity, or my not feeling so negative about everything. This so abnormal for me it is scary and very unusual. I am afraid this will not last and so I am scared to think I will no longer have to suffer from the pain and believe I have let it go because that is an irrational thought as I have done nothing to get rid of it. Nothing is different between these past few days and today except my expressing the pain in writing and talk with some people in my life. I have not really dealt with the core issues or change anything in my life and so I know it is not realistic to believe it is gone but it is realistic to say I am going to try to look at things in my life differently and I will try from today to face things and change the way I view things so negatively in my life and the world If I am always feeling and thinking and seeing everything so negatively than I will never feel, see, or think anything is positive in life. And so I am going to try to change the way I view things and things will hopefully change. I am not promising that this will always happen or this will happen 100% of the time or that the depression will not take over ever again but I do know that at this very second this is what I desire to do and what I want to do. i may need help doing it but not sure it is really something anyone can help me with. It may just be something I have to do on my own.

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2 thoughts on “Complete change in thinking over night hmm…

  1. Hi Teresa, I am really moved by the candor your use in describing your struggles and the eloquence of your postings. You are always searching for a way toward healing the pain that seems to be your constant companion. Seems like the pain was jealous of the positivity and optimism present during your initial waking time. And so the pain edged out the good feelings. I was just speaking with someone who is living with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder who said that he was very suspicious of joy and did not know what it was when he first experienced it. These states of being can be so foreign!
    Sending you good thoughts and hope that you can call the Crisisline sometime soon.
    607-272-1616 – 1-800-273-TALK

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  2. I like how you are able to see the good things, no matter how small they are. Depression had a way of making it very hard to see the good things in my life, there was so many things that I missed because of this. You are so right about how writing helps, it has helped me so much, if I didn’t write the thoughts would go around & around in my head (racing thoughts), writing was the only way I could get this to stop. I don’t have a blog, I do have a journal.

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