To therapists and treatment providers who have been in my life

 

There have been many professionals in my life from a very young age who have tried to help me and tried to nurture me into a healthy person. There have been many people who did their jobs and treated me as they were trained to do. there have been too many people for me to count and too many for me to remember but then there are those who have stood out for me and the ones who I have always remembered and who I have always kept in my mind and hoped they still cared. Some I have tried to contact and gotten no response and felt well I guess they never really cared then there are those who I have contacted and they have responded and still acted very much as they care still more than 10 years later. I wonder why some people work in the field of psychology and mental health if they truly do not care and are not invested in the future outcome of the very younglings they helped nurture even if that child turned out to be a failure and such an unstable wreck as I have. that is not their fault. It is not the people’s fault who were there nurturing the child although abandoning the child which is just part of being brought up by a faulty system is a failure to the child but that is not the mental health worker or professionals fault as they have lives and must live them and move through their own lives also as they are growing to. But do they ever truly wonder what happened to me. Most probably do not care as most do not respond when I contact them but the few that do are the few that I know cared and are the few that invested a great deal of time in me even if I did nothing in response to their efforts. Yeah most of the ones who respond are past therapist and not just staff members who worked with me but they are counselors who actually were invested in me individually and knew me more intimately than most but even those therapist really knew not much as I never really opened up. they knew what they read about me and what I expressed regarding what was going on with me in those periods of time when I was seeing them but they never were able to help me delve into my past and work through it. I never allowed them into my locked dungeons within my cemented underground secret rooms in my head that keeps my buried past. But these people cared and tried their best and invested so much time and wasted so much effort trying their best to help me open up and trust them to help me work through my dark past so I could get through it and see the light but I would not let them in. I guess they really cared as even to this day they still check in with me every once in a while knowing my life is still very much a struggle. Yes, it may be 2 people out of more than a couple hundred that have worked with me but 2 people care about me more than I believed really and I am trying hard to convince myself that those 2 people especially one of them really don’t as she does not hardly respond to me when I message her but once in a great while but every so often she does. The other more often but not so often as a friend would. But it says she cares. It says I matter though I try hard to convince myself I do not. It makes it easier to kill myself if I can believe that I do not matter to anyone and that these people are fakes.

recently I have felt my current worker in my life has been a fake. She had been really caring and acted as if I mattered and told me I mattered and that she cared and I meant something but yet as of the past 2 months maybe a bit less she has distanced herself been sort of unemotional uncaring and just seems as if she could care less whether I am dead or alive. it now feels like she is just like all those other people who have come in and out of my life who have forgotten me or have not responded to me when I have contacted them. It seems as if I were to die tonight she would move on and be unaffected though she says that is not true I am having difficulties believing her recently since  her coldness and I am not sure how to describe it but it just feels as if I am nothing to anyone.

Then there is my last therapist which I ended services with about 9 weeks ago and have had to call he crying and upset 2 or 3 times since we stopped seeing each other april 30th. overtime I call her she acts as if it is a bother to her me calling and is quick to hurry me off the phone even the one time I was very distressed and almost at a point of suicide. Have I ever really mattered to her. Did I ever matter to her as a person or was I just a client id and money for the agency. Did she even see and recognize me as human. Does my mental health support worker really see and understand I am human and have feelings and need to be loved and cared about even if no one in my family ever has or will love and care about me.

Why is it that everyone has always hated me and never loved me from the time I was born? Why is it that even people in the system who are trained to love, nurture, and care about people like me cannot love and care about me. Why am I so hated by everyone in life.

To the people who have been there and who have tried to care I thank you for your efforts. I am sorry I put you through all I put you through and refused to trust and accept the help you offered. I am sorry I could not be cooperative and work with you to help you help me have a better life. If I was able to do it I may not be making the Choice i am choosing to make in the very near future. I thank you for all your efforts and times. I am sorry I wasted it when you could have been helping others who deserved it more than I and who may have accepted it.

Donna  from Aug 1998 until May 2001 you struggled with me. I manipulated you and played many of games with you. I needed love and attention and you gave it to me. I need someone to rescue me and you did that. I need someone to constantly protect me from myself and from the dangerous situations I placed myself in and you did that. You consistently saved and rescued me. You tried to protect and save me from myself. You angered me many times by your controlling nature with your ability just to section me but yet we learned to work with that and I knew that would happen if i need it. Though I was in and out of the hospital sometimes up to 3 times a month in the beginning of seeing you you stood by me for the most part. You even set limits with me when things got out of hand but always came back and kept to your word. You were the first therapist I had that I began to open up to minutely even though I retreated really quickly as things were much to scary and I could not do it. I learned a bit of trust with you even if I was unable to trust you. You were the beginning of my learning there were really people in the real world that cared.

Chris  as I was an angry uncontrollable self abusive aggressively violent towards other people teenager you were there trying to help me understand that anger towards others and myself. You were there trying to get me to learn better ways of expressing it. You were there trying to get me to talk about those things and why I had all those things inside me that still to this day I still wont talk about for the most part. You were there and helped me gain enough control to make it out of the locked facility and not end up in the state hospital when that was the only option left. You were there cheer leading me when no one else really believed I could do it because I had been unable to control myself and had chosen to not control myself the whole 3 years I had been there before given the ultimatum. It was you who believed in me and stood by me. It is you who still today who responds to me when I catch you online and you have a few moments to spare to let me know you still care about me. I appreciate the time you invested and am sorry I wasted all the time and effort you put into me. I am sorry I never amounted to anything. I am sorry I was never able to become who I should have become and did anything of value with my life after all the investment you put into me and all the faith you place in me. I appreciate what you did for me. Thank you.

Jane  you are a very kind and caring person you are more caring and loving than any person has ever been too me. I learned what being really cared about was truly about for a while. I honestly believed you were different from all the other people who worked in the system then it all began to change. The distance set in and it began to feel as if I do not matter. I made commitments to not kill myself during times that would affect you when in fact it is really what I need to do. I do not want to hurt you because i truly care about hurting people I care about but I also realize that this is not about you this is about me and I cannot base my treatment nor my life on how it is going to effect you since in reality I am just a client and you are just my clinician. Though I felt as if you were more of a mother to me than my mother had ever been at some point now it feels as of you are just a treatment provider and you really don’t care. You care  about me as a human but not really individually. I am not important on an individual level so I no longer can base holding onto life because I believe you care because i no longer belive that. I no longer think I matter. I do believe all human life matters to you and i do appreciate the time we have spent together. I do still care about you. I have shed many tears with you and treasure and remember all we have talked about. I sometimes think that some of the care you showed me was fake now that you so quickly have turned away from me and no longer seem to care. Well I still care but I cannot stay alive and live in misery just to keep you satisfied as you will move on you will get another client. It is your career and job and you will find another person in need of your services. I thank you for all we have done together I really have enjoyed our many talks and times we spent in the elements of nature and peacefulness and quietness of life. I am glad I was able to finally begin to let someone in even if it was just here and there or glimpses I started trusting which is something I did not do much of in my life and when I have in the past it has never gone as far as it had with you. you broke walls many have been unable to do and you are good at what you do. I am glad I was able to have had these just under 11 months with you and want to thank you for all the time and effort you put into me Thanks.

Joyce  you walked away from me after befriending me and saying you cared. You claimed you were there and would be but then you ignored me. You were kind and caring and then you disappeared and did not care how that effected me nor what I felt about that. thanks for all you did and the care you gave me.

Betsey  many times you helped me through difficult things you talked with me and sat with me. You went to visit my kids with me and even went to court when I supeonored you. You supported me through many difficult times over these last few years and have always helped me when I need you. you are always cheery when I come to chat and smiling when I see you. When I call you talk with me and if I stop by you make time for me. You have no longer been there. You  no longer seem as if you care. many people do this though I know if I saw you outside you would stop and chat and give me a big hug it just seems as if you are no longer here for me. Thanks for the time your were available and all that you did for me.

Meghan  not too much i should say here as things are not very clear in my mind as to what happened but I know you were there for so much of my battle and struggle. You were available for me inpatient and out and you pushed me to work but I did nothing. I did not allow myself to do what was needed. though you did push me to begin the work that still needs to be done you help that process it will never get done. It was you who battled and fought for me many times advocating for me and my treatment. It was you who spent time talking to me and going to court with me and you even worked it out for me to visit my children while receiving treatment. You did alot for me then you just walked away from and I felt abandoned and hurt. I felt you no longer cared and never really did. You probably never did but yet you put alot of effort into me and my battle. you spent alot of your tim and your time was not worth me. you should have spent it on someone worthwhile. Anyways thanks.

Marianne  we spent more than 4 years together and you spent the hardest years of my life that I ever had to go through trying to make me work through things and face things in order for me to stabilize and get somewhere so that I could have what i wanted. Happiness which would have been stability with my children. But I fucked it all up. I battled you and fought with you tooth and nail but you stood by me. You tried to help me. You tried to show me you cared though it was weird ways of showing it you tried the best you could. I pushed you away more and more. You stuck by me. You went to court with me. You stood by me after court you fought for me for treatment. You battled with me to get outpatient treatment. you claimed you cared but I am not sure you did. though you stood by me wasting your time. it was your job. I was a client and it was your job to claim you cared but it was not your job to stay with me all day as you did once and to help me find a place to go and help me get my stuff and to drive me to where I needed to go as you did at some point. It was not your job to waste your time on me. it was not your job to waste countless effort on me even when I said I did not want to see you anymore. So then why did you. it seems you may have cared somewhat but yet I never felt you cared. I never felt you had time to care about me. I never felt I mattered to you really. I never felt it would matter if I was dead or alive to you. I never felt it would make a difference to you. Just as it feels now. it feels as if you have just moved on and probably gotten someone new and do not even wonder how I am doing or if I am ok. I am not even sure if you worry if I am still alive or not. well thank you for standing by me in court and fr the effort and time you spent with me the last almost 5 years.

To anyone else I have missed if I am important enough to you all to remember e then I am sorry I did not mention you as most people in my life appear and act as if they do not care and I do not and never have mattered to them. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone by any of this or if I have harmed anyone in my lifetime that I was unable to make amends to. I hope that everyone can understand that it is better for everyone if I am gone than for me to continue on and make everyone suffering with my misery and desires to die.

 

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