Confusion regarding desire to end my pain

So today has been a really hard day trying to sort through the desire to ending my life and the effects it will have on some people in my life. Some will be affected now and some will not be affected for quite a long time. The hurt it will cause makes me second guess my decision to go forth but yet my hurt just feels as it has lasted so long and is never really ever going to end. it does at times fade for periods of time and seems to not be so prominate in my life but I suffer in silence so often that I am at times unable to remember the times that I have had some happiness and joy. The times I have been able to laugh and more than just exist. Even there are things the past weekend I can in this moment point out that I can say were moments I was not miserable. I spent alot of the weekend depressed and thinking about suicide and planning it but there were moments and even blocks of times I spent with my friends 5-year-old where I was able to forget that and enjoy what we were doing together. we cooked dinner on saturday him and I for his mom, well he actually cooked most of it while I helped and made sure he was safe and taught him how and did what was not safe for him to do. And seeing his proud face and how happy he was with himself made me feel so good about myself in that period of time I really enjoyed that hour we spent together doing that. It is those things that I did with my kids I miss so much. That quality time with them, the time we spent interacting teaching  them, watching them be so happy with themselves, and feeling that joy because of the happiness they are feeling. I miss all that.

I realize suicide is a permanent decision and that misery can change and happiness can always be created. misery and happiness are temporary and there are many different things in between. I understand how selfish suicide is and that it is possibly one of the most selfish things one can do in a lifetime.

The official definition of definition of selfish is:

1. Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being w/o regard for others.

2.Arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. (as an action)

My whole life it has been everyone else who has been the selfish ones and I have been giving, kind, and caring. I have been far from selfish.. as for the definition is concerned I am selfless and unselfish at least 90% of the time. I know and understand that suicide is definitively a very selfish act but it is also selfish act for people in my life who care or claim to care to desire and expect me to continue living, suffering, in this painful misery I am and have been living in.

How long do I have to keep hanging on for others in my life? How long should I be expected to keep suffering before I am allowed to make a clear decision to end my suffering? How long should I suffer in order to prevent others from suffering? Though I do not want to cause suffering and harm for anyone else in my life through taking my life I believe that by me living in misery and being as angry as I get at times I only cause some people in my life more harm and hurt than me killing myself will cause them. Some will be better without me in their lives some will be worse with me gone. Most people who have come in and out of my life or who have known me even most of my so-called family will be unaffected if I follow through with my selfish act of suicide. Some may be effect for a moment or a couple of weeks others will never forget. Just as the care they had for me disappeared so quickly so will their memories of me. Some wont even be fazed by the loss of my life. Few will miss me many may have known me.

How much longer must I keep suffering for the fact of not wanting to damage others? Because I am unselfish and do not want people to view me as just another selfish person not caring of how others felt? I am not still sitting here wondering what I should do and how I could do this unselfishly without harming others because I am an uncaring, unkind, and unloving person. I am still here because I am clear that I am not still here suffering for myself. I am not here believing there is a chance things will ever get better and change.  I am here because I have children. i am here because I have a few people in my life who will be effected by my death that I do not want to harm. Though my oldest son has been through this since he was born and has an apathetic attitude towards my suicidal feelings he will be affected and it will harm him forever as my being suffering since he was born has caused him grave damage in his views of life and he greatly has an apathetic attitude towards life and does not appear to care about much of anything though it would damage him and so I know that weighs heavily of finalizing my decision. My other 4 children I have no rights to. 3 are adopted and I believe would not nearly have much affect from it if any at all but the oldest of them 4  is in foster care and I was told he may always be in foster care and may never be adopted because of his emotional difficulties and so I worry it could affect him as an adult if he were to find out if he came to look for me. I worry and know it greatly puts him at high risk of  completing suicide himself just as it does my 16-year-old son who lives with me and has gone through this and is so apathetic about life as it is. I am also here still because though I believe there are very few people besides my children that my death would affect as my family now lives their lives as if I do not exist and only has anything to do with me at their convenience when they need or want something from me knowing I have difficulties with feeling as if I am unloved by them and as if they do not care and never have. Though they claim it is untrue their actions speak loud and clear and tell they have never loved me and have never cared. then there are a few people who I think it would affect but sometimes believe they don’t care or they are afraid to care because I am suicidal alot and so they try hard to not care. These few people I believe it would hurt and they may have difficulties with my death though I believe they could manage and get over it fairly easily and within a few days. Though these people are some people that I truly care about and truly do not want to hurt none of these people have ever hurt me and so why should I cause any of hem harm. but why should I suffer anymore? Haven’t I suffered enough?

And so I question myself and my decision to end my pain and suffering? I now question all the clarity? I question what else I could do instead? I question how to get through the suffering and find some sort of contentment and happiness within life instead of this misery and suffering I have endured for the last almost 32 years. I have struggled for many years searching for the answers trying to get help look for treatments trying different therapies and unsuccessfully finding what is needed for men to feel fulfilled enough for me to desire to continue living and stop my feelings of suffering, pain, hurt, and misery.


One thought on “Confusion regarding desire to end my pain

  1. As I read this, I think of myself, especially the part of being selfless. My therapist once told me something that has stuck with me, I have been so selfless that I became less of my self. She showed me that’s it is ok that I’m selfish, not in a mean way.
    I know think about the following situation & it’s reasoning to be able to be selfish for my well being; When I took an airplane trip with my 2 kids, an airline attendant told us about how to use the oxygen masks. She noted that for those with kids, for the parents to put their masks on first, then help to put your kids’ masks on. I thought (my life was all about my kids, my kids came first) how can I do that, I will have to put theirs on first. Then it was pointed out to me, I might be able to get the mask onto one of my kid’s face, but because I wasn’t getting any oxygen I would lose consciousness before I would be able to help my second kid.
    The moral of the story is, you need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others.


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