All needing said before I end it

 

As the time comes close I need for the people in my life to know I no longer can endure the emotions I feel nor the thoughts I have daily. i no longer can handle the anxiety and fear. i no longer want to continue living with the fear of not knowing whether or not my kids will truly seek me out and really want me in their lives. I no longer can handle missing the years I am missing with them now. I know there may be many years later in their life’s if I were to stay but if I stay here and await and they never want me in their lives then I have lived in pain for all those years suffering in silence and misery hurting others for nothing. I would rather leave this earth now and people grieve my loss than to continue making everyone else’s lives painful and miserable around me for the next at least 8-12 years only for them to still have to grieve the loss of me if I do not end up being able to have a relationship with my children then. Even then will I be able to be happy after losing them all those years and missing out on all that I missed out on. Even then will I be able to make it through their anger they have at me. will I be able to handle their anger at me not being there for them at me not being able to get my life stable to fight for them at me being able to not protect them from the system and the pain they suffered from the separation and loss. They are suffer just as I am if not more. they are experiencing abandonment just as I have in the past they are feeling the systems abusiveness just as I have and am. I cannot live much longer in this painfulness. I will no longer live this anymore. I will soon end this suffer for myself and my family and friends. I will no longer place people who are trying to and have tried to help me in the predicament of feeling helpless and not sure what to do to help me get to where I want to be. I will end everyone’s helplessness with me. I will end my suffering and along with that will help others come to terms with their own understandings of what I needed or did not need and hopefully I will help others in the future know that there is no understanding a mothers ambiguous loss. This is not the same as losing a child to death where you can eventually go through the stages of grief and eventually com to terms with it and move on. My children are out there. There are many children and almost every time I see children playing I look at them to see if one of them are my child. I want to sit outside of schools and watch the children as they go in and out of school to see if my child is going to that school. There are so many things I could be doing because there is not an end to my child’s life and my children are out there somewhere and I just cannot see them. It is just too much for me to keep enduring. I just cannot keep going through this. there are many things I cannot tell people for fear they may lock me up or say that I am a danger to children as I think about stalking and kidnapping my child that I do know where he is at. But yet when I think about it what kind of life would that be for him. How would he and I have to live? He would be unable to go to school. he would not be able to socialize. we would have to hide out in the wilderness and become hermits which would be unhealthy mentally and emotionally for him. I am not wanting to mentally or emotionally harm my child but mentally and emotionally the pain has gotten too much for me and I can no longer do this. I will no longer suffer in this pain or within this psychoticness I live. I live this way because I choose to not say anything to people even to the one person I feel is the only person I trust to any degree I have been unable to tell her some things for fear of being judge or put away in a state hospital and then being unable to follow through on ending this pain and so I limit some things I say. I filter it. I talk to her about the pain of missing them and the suffering of losing them and once I mentioned wishing I could kidnap them and live in the woods but that it was unhealthy but I do not tell that person how I have seriously entertained the idea and tried to plan it and had nightmares about it and being arrested for it. I do not talk to her about my fears that I may actually someday decide to do it because I cannot go on too much longer living without holding my children in my arms. So instead of causing my children pain and trauma I have decided I will prevent this. I will prevent everyone in my life any problems and prevent myself anymore pain and suffering by following through soon on the end.

I just want my children to know they were loved and I never wanted them to hurt. I never wanted for them to grow up the way they did . I always as I grew up said that I was not going to allow my children to experience what I experienced. I am sorry I failed them at that. I am sorry I was unable to protect you Autumn. Daniel I am sorry I was unable to shelter you from the emotional trauma and neglect you endured and that you had to experience the very same path I began at such a young age with going it a child residential for emotional difficulties. I only hope that you are able to use the help they offered and grow from it rather than oppose it and be angered by everyone who comes close to you and offers their care and love. I am sorry you have suffered the way you have so far in your short life so far. Autumn you are strong and as hard as the journey may be you were in such a hurry to get here into this world I know you will grow quickly through these struggles and become a strong woman. I wish I was there for you to hold your hand and wipe the tears away as you worked through the hard journey you are on but know I will be by your side watching you. Dakoata though you are small you are a tough little guy with the greatest of personalities. You are such a joyous little man and I know when you someday grow up you will understand and be a sensitive hardworking man and help your siblings realize how much they were loved and cared for by me. I love you dearly Kota. Winter you were my little girl my blessing though we did not have much time together and it was a difficult year you were my angel. My last born and such a tiny little one. I wish I was able to hold you more and that I was able to have had more time with you. I hope that you are blessed and Autumn and you are happy together. I loved you all.

Corey you were my first-born and all I have left as I make this decision. Though the years have been rough I want you to know you always have been loved and though this decision is being made it has nothing to do with you or anything you have done. You are a great young man and I want you to continue on with your life. I want you to make something of yourself. I want you to raise a family and settle down and have a wife someday. I want someday for you to seek out your brothers and sisters and build a relationship with them. I want you to love and cherish them as you will be their only link to me left. I want you to hold them and tell them about me and how much they were loved and how much I missed them. I want you to always remember them in your life and know they are your family. Never leave them behind or abandon them as my brothers do to me. please never treat your siblings as hateful as my siblings and I have treated each other and always remember the struggles we have endured to be together. I love you and am sorry. please know I am not doing this because of anything you have done or not do or because I do not love you. I am doing this because i am suffering and I do not want to keep making you or anyone else suffer because I am miserable. please remember this is not always the way to deal with things in life and it is not the answer to problems in life. But I see no other way to change things in life for you, me, or anyone else in my life or in the future. Things have been like this for many years and very rarely have their minutely felt better. though they sometimes have minutely felt better though only have for a day maybe or less than that. I am sorry for the pain I will cause you and anyone else. I want you to move on from this and follow whatever path of goals you desire though I like your thoughts of joining the marines I want you to do what will make you happy. bye I love you.

 

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