So I am having alot of emotional stressors lately and going throuugh so much things between issues with my son and his lack of care about his future and schooling. His lack of life goals and my inability to control his future and my desire to not want him to be where I am at my age when he is my age. I want more for him than i have and I know he is capable of it and has the ability just as I did and still do but he as I do lacks the motivation and care just as I did. though he does not have all the trauma I had suffered and endured growing up he has had his own experiences and losses in his life that has contributed to his own apathetic views and careless attitude towards the future.
A few days ago he was sent home from camp on thursday and told not to come on friday because he refused to do what was planned for them for camp that day. The plan was for them to go to the local food pantry and help with serving lunch to the needy. His refusal set me on an emotional upheaval as his reasoning behind not going was he was in camp to have fun not to work. My frustration was that he was not raised to be selfish nor was he raised that he never needed to use a place like that. There have been many times when my grandmother and myself have needed to use foodbanks and the local food pantries and he has eaten at them many of times in his life. He should ahve been satisfied and happy to give back what he was once freely given. But instead he acted selfish.
To top my anger and hurt off surrounding his selfishness surrounding this issue is the fact that the very palce that he was to serve lunch to the local people at was the very place that for several meals his siblings and I ate at before they were taken from me and that palce provided me with the gifts, christmas tree, and the holiday meal for the very last Christams I was able to spend with his brothers and sisters before they were taken from me. Yes I understand that is not his problem but that is the place that helped his family a whole lot when we moved here and had nothing and he has no care regarding that. then to top it all off as I cried about it and tried to explain why I was hurt by his selfishness and refusal to help others he says to me “well they helped you not me so why dont you go work there not me I am not in camp to go to work and serve people lunch I am at camp to have fun for the summer”. That is not the reason I sent him to camp. The reason I sent him to camp was because of his lack of socialization and his desire to do nothing but stay in the house and play video games. And so he has just had a very selfish uncaring attitude these past few days and it hurts me to see this in him as it reminds me so much of my ex-husband and his lack of care for other peoples feelings and emotions but yet my son is not his child.
You would think where he is my child and I am a very emotional person and he has seen so many emotions throughout his life and I have tried to express emotions around him and get him to understand that it is okay to express and show his emotions that he would not be so cold and unemotional but so many times he has told me that he has emotions but that he is not supposed to show them and we have talked about that as being an untrue statement. But I cannot get him to believe me or this. He continues to bury his emotions and believe he cannot express feelings. He has determined he has to be unemotional and cold towards people and apathetic towards life.
I am very disappointed that I have been unable to change this and cannot seem to have an effect on his desire to have goals in life and for hope in his having a future. I feel helpless and unable to do anything to persuade him in changing his desire and helping to motivate him. I wish that I was not as hopeless and apathetic and unhappy with my life and could show him what hope there is in life. i wish I was able to provide him with the hope I never saw growing up and could give him something to grasp onto. Unfortunately I feel trapped and he is a product of his genetics and his environment just as I am. Unfortunatelly the cycle is continuing though I always desired for the cycle to end with me I see the cyle did not end with me and it continues on. I was not able to discontinue it. I wish I could have changed that.