Depressed and suicidal

Today was an emotional day including feeling suicidal and a desire to end my life today. Today I tried to convince myself i was okay but yet I was not ok. I was emotionally distressed and falling apart. I really wanted to just not care about the commitments I have made to the people I care about and say that it should not really matter to me what happens as once i am dead it is not my problem how they will feel or what they will endure when I kill myself. I was really feeling depressed and being selfish I guess. I guess after thinking this way today I can say that suicide is somewhat of a selfish act although in some ways it would be less painful if people no longer had to endure the pain regularly and only had to face the pain of me doing it getting it over with and them grieving and moving on from it. yes maybe here and there they would shed a tear but they would be able to breathe easier knowing it was over with and they no longer worried about it or had to think about I was or was not going to do it or not. Today I really just wanted to take back my commitments that I would not do it from now until atleast the middle of July. Today I really just felt the need to do it. Then I began to just want to do it on the day I originally wanted to do it when I had decided to make the first commitment to not do it. The day I lost my parental rights to my children forever. The day my life changed and my battle ended. The day my life felt as if it ended and I died. i made the commitment to someone who has been there for me and shown me I matter and she cares more than my own mother has shown me but yet now that it feels as if I do not matter anymore and she no longer cares as she claimed she did about me I no longer feel the commitment is as important for me to keep and is it really valid anymore since when I made the commitment it was under false pretenses and fakeness. Would it really matter whether I broke the commitment? Today I have cried and shed many tears. today I have missed my babies and wanted to hold them. Today I desired to have them with me. Today alot of memories have come through my head and alot of pain has run through my heart. I have missed them greatly over the past few days and I have yearned to hold them in my arms. I will never have them as they were when i lost them and I will always miss their childhood years. i will never get back the school years I am missing and I will never be able to make up them firsts I was never able to see or be there for them. I will never be able to gain these years back even if I survive the pain of these losses and someday am here awaiting them when they are adults, I will never be able to make these years up for them or get any of what i am missing back. I am losing out on alot. It feels so unbearable and I am torn between being a survivor and trying to stay strong and keeping hope never giving up and awaiting them when they grow up and ending my pain and hoping they understand and realize all I desired for them and wanted and what I endured and strived for in their lives. Alls I continue to do is cry today and feel stuck and unsure but know I do not want this pain and cannot seem to feel any happiness in life. i want the pain to end or I want my life to end. if the pain does not subside then I must take my life. How long until I give in? When will I have the courage and finish my life? When will I finally be able to end the misery of life? I want to die!


One thought on “Depressed and suicidal

  1. I really wished I could help you. But I am in the same boat so i know there really isn’t anything I can say or do to make you feel better and more worthy. I, too, lost my 2 daughters because of my illness. It left me feeling guilty, worthless and a bad person.
    But I struggle on. When my girls became teenagers they sought me out and my ex couldn’t stop them from seeing me. Right now, even though i only see them about once every 6 to 8 weeks they are what keeps me alive.
    And just like your post said, there are days that not even them can keep me from the suicidal thoughts. So i take one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.
    Baby steps


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