feeling dead and living on the edge

 

So why is it that everyone things I can do so much and that I am this person who can make it? When will people realize there is nothing inside me that is any good. When will people see and understand there is nothing I believe is of value in me? I do things many times and just do them just to do them. Sometimes in that moment the fear is what helps me get through. Sometimes there is no fear as there has been recently when no matter what the situation or what could happen it does not scare me. Whatever happens will be my own fault if and when something ever happens. When in situations such as I have been in and there is some thoughts or warning signals signalling danger in my mind it intrigues me. I desire to push that danger and see how far it will go. See if the it wont happen to me happens. Well anyways I doubt much can happen to me that would affect me as my life is already damaged to the bottom. I no longer feel what I had been feeling surrounding my shamefullness and hate for myself. I do not feel anything. i am just numb and void. I am not feeling much at this point and maybe that is what I need something to damage me more than I already am to help me feel what I should be feeling. Maybe I need someone else to do what I cannot seem to do to myself and succeed at it. Maybe if someone else does it then people in my life that care and my family will not be as damaged or effected by the finality of it all. But will it really happen not really, I doubt it will as it is not my destiny to go as soon as I desire I guess but I can push the limits and see how far they stretch before it’s too late and there is no coming back. Maybe I can get to a point where someone else will do to me what I am too cowardly to do to myself and finish the job that was started when I was a child. I was murdered back then just not physically but mentally and emotionally I was murdered now I am just awaiting the body to meet up with the deadness of the soul. I am already dead!

 

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