Alright so I think there are alot of things in my head. I know that as far as they can tell there is nothing wrong with my heart but yet I think I am going to die in my sleep of a heart attack. As my chest tightens and it just seems somewhat suffocating but yet I still am breathing when this happens. It is not an every night thing nor does it happen in an order that I can tell when it will occur. I know I have shortness of breath but that could just be that I am fat or that I smoke. I do not know I think I am realizing it is all in my mind as I was preparing to lay down a bit ago when all a sudden it began happening. I feel as if my chest is caving in as if there are cement blocks on it. it has to be anxiety. But anxiety from what. I am not thinking of much nor am I worried about a whole lot. I mean there is a lot of things I am worried about lately such as my son and my ability to be the mother I want to be for him instead of this angry person snappy and irritable as I have been lately. I know he opened the letter about having to go to the Geometry SOL summer academy and he is probably not going to want to go but he has to. He is in day treatment camp currently and I need to get him a physical soon as he has not been to see the doctor and he has no more inhalers so I must get him in there. I must also change our address and apply for cooling assistance along with call uva to check on his referral. Then there is my desire for things to change and a beginning step is for me to stop immediately using my desire to kill myself as an escape and means to avoid dealing and talking about things. i also need to try to not immediately think and obsess about committing suicide and look for other alternatives when distressed. I do not know I stay here tonight wishing things would change and though it is anxiety provoking to think about change nevermind trying to change it is frustrating and distressing for me to feel stuck and as if I am going nowhere. Am I really ready to stop using the word suicide as my escape from everything? Am I really ready to believe there is something in struggling and fighting to live rather than submitting to failure and death? Is there really reasons out here for me to keep going? I do not know I am somewhat afraid of the answer but know the misery I keep going through and repeating day after day and week after week is not helping nor is it getting me very far. I know there is more to life I just feel as if it is unobtainable and no matter what I do or how much I try I will never get there. I want it to end and to do more than just survive. i want to live. I want to have inner joy, hope, and happiness. I want to not be so angry at life, the world, myself, and other people in my life. I want to set goals and obtain them. I want for people to care about me and stop walking out of my life and leaving me so lonely. I want people to understand me and the burdens I live with. I want to get somewhere. Where that is I am unsure of. But I know where I am at is not where I want to be. I need for be people to help me. I need for people to recognize my struggles and help me through them rather than act is if they are not valid or important. I need for people to care. I need to be motivated more and even when I see no reason or point in doing anything I need to do them anyways. But how do I obtain all that is need and all that I desire. How do I get from down here in the depths of misery and burden to the top where the sun shines and the happiness is found? Is it possible? There is so much things I regret and so much shame I live with that it seems next to impossible for me to ever see the possibility of feeling happiness more than sadness, hurt, pain, misery, and anger. It seems as if I am destined to die this way but yet at this time I do not want to. I want more out of life. I want more for my child and when my other children seek me out I want to have gotten somewhere. But where is the light to get me through the darkened shadowy never ending tunnels I am stuck in. Is there any hope of finding a glimpse of light to help me through the impending pits I live in on a regular basis? I am not so sure but yet I need to find some. I need help before it’s too late. I need to save myself as no one will ever save me. No one has ever rescued me from the dark in my past and no one will ever do it now. So I guess I am on my own on a journey to the unknown.
- The Unknown (motherwifestudentworker.wordpress.com)
- email i sent about my distress and self destruction (mylifeofavoidance.wordpress.com)
- august spotlight on: moving on… (saralittleyoga.wordpress.com)
- Day One Hundred and Twenty-Nine: A Journey into Life – ”I can’t concentrate” character (atruthseekersjourneyintolife.wordpress.com)
- Suicide prevention a responsibility of all of us (napavalleyregister.com)
- What death anxiety in a child can teach us about ourselves (drx.typepad.com)