leftover pain as his words echo

So today I had a pretty uneventful day as i slept almost all day pretty much and am getting ready take my medication and go back to sleep. I slept till almost 1 with the exception of awakening to answer the phone for preregistration for my echocardiogram that is tomorrow morning and to toss and turn a few times. I pretty much slept almost 12 hours. I am still angry from last night. I still know he never cared. He knew what he was saying was going to tear me apart and push me to the edge. I just wanted to fall from that edge and take them pills. I just wanted to slice myself open and watch the pain run out my vein. I just wanted for him to hold me and not walk away. He never even cared how much pain lives within me and drowns my soul. He never truly wanted me all he wanted was my body. He made me feel the way I felt as a teenager. As if I owed him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He said he loved me but yet never could show me. He claimed he wanted me but could not bear to be here with me. He walked away leaving me here with the burden and pain. More wasted years nothing left in my heart for all he has done is hollowed me out and made me realize there is no point in trying to care. He helped me see that life is not worth living he told me how much he would never struggle or live the way I live. Well I have a place of my own and do not have to use people and live everywhere else I have my own place. I have nothe=ing but yet I have my own place and I try as hard as I can to get by and survive. I try as hard as I can to give my son what I can. I never know when it will all fall and I shall collapse in fear as each day I live with the fear of not being able to make it, not being able to ever go or get anywhere, I live with the fear that I will always suffer. I fear I will never be able to make it anywhere. I am trapped. But he says he will never live or struggle as I do. No he wont cause he is too busy living off everyone and using people who have nothing just to get himself somewhere. I no longer want to care but yet I do. I fear each day that I will not be able to provide what my son needs and alot of times my son goes without because I cannot give to him or provide for him. I am such a failure and do not want to keep living here. I am tired of it all.

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2 thoughts on “leftover pain as his words echo

  1. Well I care about my son alot but seem to not care enough to be able to stop feeling so miserable and wanting to die. I feel like a failure and am not sure I will ever be a success and be able to be a good person in life. i love my son but that does not make me a success and not a failure.

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