I dont matter

so today is the day my mental health support worker is supposed to get back from her vacation but does not officially come back to work until tomorrow. She did tell me she would call me friday when she got off the boat so I knew she was okay and back safe on land but she never called. I just figured she was busy with visiting family and forgot. But she also told me she would come this evening so I knew she was back here in Virginia safe but I expect her not to show up as she says things I think sometimes just to calm my anxiety but does not really expect to follow through on them though it is bothersome to me that she manipulates me in that way and though she does not expect for it to be bothersome or I do not think she would do it is bothersome. It somewhat feels as if she will say anything just to manipulate me into thinking it will all be okay and calm me down. Which is some of the things my therapist did to me and it hurts when I see the lies and then I start to question every single thing they have ever said to me including their claims to truly care about me and their efforts to show me I matter.

I do not think she will come by today but either way I believe I will be seeing her tomorrow anyways. But not sure I really am ready to see her again. I am not sure I want to see her anymore. I am holding onto some anger with her but do not want to talk to her about it but also just do not want to see her either. She is leaving on a vacation again the first week of July. I just do not do well with people leaving me whether it be a vacation or not. I just am so tired of people walking away from me and leaving me. I am sick of people manipulating and lying to me. I am sick of people claiming I matter and that they care only for them to show me they truly do not care and i really never mattered in the first place. I have never mattered to anyone in life since I was born.

I talked to my father the other day and he says he is managing with his illness and trying to get back on social security but they are battling him. He was on it previously for mental health issues but got off about 8 years ago as he started working and was able to finally hold a job but now he is physically too sick to work. He has emphasemia and COPD. He was told about 20 months ago that he had less than a year to live but yet he is still alive. Before that I had not seen him since 2004 or talked to him since 2006. I was very angry with him for things he did in my childhood and things he did not do for us kids. I also was angry with him for not caring and so when they said he was going to die in under a year I decided to not talk to him ever again and that I was not going to attend his funeral. Then last June I spoke with him on Facebook and he claimed to be sorry and wanting to fix things with me before he died but yet I gave him my address and phone number and he never responded. then I spoke with him in october again and did the same things still no contact from him. now I spoke with him a few days ago and again gave him the same information but do not expect to hear from him as he does not respond to me when I message him on Facebook to his inbox or leave him a message on his wall. He does respond when I am online at the same time as him but he never makes the first contact which to me proves he does not care about me and only bothers for my sympathy and to half pretend he cares.

This all goes hand in hand with what everyone has done to me my whole life. They have all just pretended to care enough just to get by and for others to believe or think I am cared about and it is something wrong with me when in fact it is all fake and an act in front of others. It has always been this way. It appears it will always be this way. I will never really matter to anyone even when they claim I do. It is all pretend and I am sick of it. I am sick of living trying to get people to love me. I am sick of breathing trying to get people to care about me. I don’t want to keep feeling unloved and unworthy of people caring. I want to mean something to someone and truly matter to people. But I don’t!

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I dont matter

  1. I can sympathize with your position. I have the same feelings and doubts. I am bipolar. It is very easy, as I think it would be for you to tell me, you do matter. It is so much easier to find worth in others, but none in ourselves. I don’t think I would be where I am at without my children. So many of your postings say what I think. I only do not act because of fear of losing my children. Just remember that you are not alone. We are members of a survivors group. Everyday we live, not matter how much the pain, we win.

    Like

    • Losing my children and my parental rights have done nothing but make the feelings more pronounced and helps me recognize all that was said to me growing up as a child and teneager realize that i turned into all they were saying I was going to be. I ended up the failure they all said I was going to be. I became all that I was supposed to be… A nogood, good for nothing, ashamed, damaged, worthless person who is miserable and desires just about every day of my life that i could die or that the courage would finally be there for me to committ suicide.

      Like

    • Thanks for trying to understand. Everyday I exist, i do not live at all. More and more I die each week it seems I could not be any deader with the exception of the emotional pain I feel and hopelessness that gets worse. I do not want to keep existing, I want to figure out how to live. Though it seems as if it’s impossible, everything I try to do to improve my life appears to backfire and fail.

      Like

  2. I’m glad you posted your feelings on this matter of irresponsibility on the part of caregivers of people with mental illness. You deserve better & I hope you fire some people on your mental health team – yes, I said “fire”. You are in charge, you are the employer, not the victim of the good will of other people.

    Best to you, Jeanette

    Like

    • This was posted 15 months ago and although things are very different since then it still feels at times that my care is not of importance and my life is not of importance. It seems that if I had a physical illness I would matter more and be of a priority to her. She would do more for me. Or if I was dumber or not as of high intelligence as I am I would get more help from her. Yes she provides me with help but its like she no longer is there for me. When this was posted she was there for me emotionally more than she is now. Now I am just a case and a paycheck a way to pass some time in her life it seems.Its like cause I am more physically capable than some others she works with she does nothing for me. But rather does just about everything for others such as ordering their medication, going to pick it up, making their appointments etc… its not that I need these things done for me it is the fact that these things take much of my time we have together to do and she will be late seeing me because she is doing this for someone else outside of their time though will make me use my time block to do all of this stuff or she does this stuff for others not with them so they can use their time to go enjoy themselves while they are not truly working on treatment. Yet I do all this myself and use my time blocks and the care continues to dwindle since this post. She claims it has grown but she has learned to place BOUNDARIES in our relationship and that being emotional is unhealthy for me but it feels unhealthy to me that she is distant and detached now. She no longer seems she cares.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s