so today is the day my mental health support worker is supposed to get back from her vacation but does not officially come back to work until tomorrow. She did tell me she would call me friday when she got off the boat so I knew she was okay and back safe on land but she never called. I just figured she was busy with visiting family and forgot. But she also told me she would come this evening so I knew she was back here in Virginia safe but I expect her not to show up as she says things I think sometimes just to calm my anxiety but does not really expect to follow through on them though it is bothersome to me that she manipulates me in that way and though she does not expect for it to be bothersome or I do not think she would do it is bothersome. It somewhat feels as if she will say anything just to manipulate me into thinking it will all be okay and calm me down. Which is some of the things my therapist did to me and it hurts when I see the lies and then I start to question every single thing they have ever said to me including their claims to truly care about me and their efforts to show me I matter.
I do not think she will come by today but either way I believe I will be seeing her tomorrow anyways. But not sure I really am ready to see her again. I am not sure I want to see her anymore. I am holding onto some anger with her but do not want to talk to her about it but also just do not want to see her either. She is leaving on a vacation again the first week of July. I just do not do well with people leaving me whether it be a vacation or not. I just am so tired of people walking away from me and leaving me. I am sick of people manipulating and lying to me. I am sick of people claiming I matter and that they care only for them to show me they truly do not care and i really never mattered in the first place. I have never mattered to anyone in life since I was born.
I talked to my father the other day and he says he is managing with his illness and trying to get back on social security but they are battling him. He was on it previously for mental health issues but got off about 8 years ago as he started working and was able to finally hold a job but now he is physically too sick to work. He has emphasemia and COPD. He was told about 20 months ago that he had less than a year to live but yet he is still alive. Before that I had not seen him since 2004 or talked to him since 2006. I was very angry with him for things he did in my childhood and things he did not do for us kids. I also was angry with him for not caring and so when they said he was going to die in under a year I decided to not talk to him ever again and that I was not going to attend his funeral. Then last June I spoke with him on Facebook and he claimed to be sorry and wanting to fix things with me before he died but yet I gave him my address and phone number and he never responded. then I spoke with him in october again and did the same things still no contact from him. now I spoke with him a few days ago and again gave him the same information but do not expect to hear from him as he does not respond to me when I message him on Facebook to his inbox or leave him a message on his wall. He does respond when I am online at the same time as him but he never makes the first contact which to me proves he does not care about me and only bothers for my sympathy and to half pretend he cares.
This all goes hand in hand with what everyone has done to me my whole life. They have all just pretended to care enough just to get by and for others to believe or think I am cared about and it is something wrong with me when in fact it is all fake and an act in front of others. It has always been this way. It appears it will always be this way. I will never really matter to anyone even when they claim I do. It is all pretend and I am sick of it. I am sick of living trying to get people to love me. I am sick of breathing trying to get people to care about me. I don’t want to keep feeling unloved and unworthy of people caring. I want to mean something to someone and truly matter to people. But I don’t!
- When Misinformation is Used to Distract the Need for Safe Mental Health Care (mentalhealthmatters2.wordpress.com)
- Multiple Personalities Don’t Exist – New website launched! (mentalhealthmatters2.wordpress.com)