So its been around 24 hours since I cut for some relief. I have had a pretty uneventful lazy day today but for some reason desire to cut again. I am lonely. My son is off at my brother’s house and I am alone as usual on saturday nights. I have had a relaxing peaceful day compared to the previous days this week though realize that I am not cared about as much as people say they care or as much as they pretend to care. I hardly ever get phone calls from others anymore without me calling them first and I feel as if I may be a burden to people rather than a friend. People lately who claim to be my friend or who claim to worry about me or care about me do not seem to truly act as if I matter or they care about me. Hardley ever do I get any calls from anyone to check on how I am doing or how I am feeling but yet I am always concerned about others wellbeing and caring whether they are okay or how they are feeling.
I have alot going through my mind after truly thinking about why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I am actually thinking I may decide to stop seeing my mental health support worker as she is one of the people i am confused about her views and her lack of action regarding my last post. I also am starting to feel some resentment with the whole situation as why was she not around when I needed her to get my children back. why was no one there for me to help me get my children back and why does the system always seem to help the ones that are liars, manipulators, and who pretend to be such great parents but yet behind close doors the child is living in darkness as i did growing up when they sent me home. my worker is also my “friends” worker and should be a mandated reported but is aware of somethings that I know for a fact should have been reported but she does not report her. She also seems to turn a blind eye to things with some in my opinion irrational belief that it is no ones business really how one parents their child and no one has a right to judge others parenting. yes i understand the struggle but how much damage is she going to allow before taking a stance or will she never take a stance and be part of the problem by allowing what goes on to continue.
I am not sure I am able to separate the 2 aspects and not be resentful with my worker knowing she is turning a blind eye to what occurs at my “friends” home. I am not sure I can continue to be attached or trust her knowing her stance with this situation but yet sort of deciding that I should not talk to her about real issues and should just pretty much realize she cannot help me the way I need help even though she had earned my trust and has shown me she cares about me lately she has also shown me the opposite and I have felt her distance and her lack of empathy. I have felt her pushing away and detachment from me and maybe I should just forget about it all and walk away before it gets too damaging for me and the anger causes me more distress. Maybe i just need to not really be friends with any of her clients as that seems to be creating a different view of her for me and making me feel differently about her. It is making me feel as if she is not trustworthy and as if she condones neglect and abuse. She also just wants me to mask things and push them away and pretend I am okay and all is alright even when they are not. She wants me to not talk about what is wrong and not get ver this stuff when i truly though I had found a person in my life who I could talk about this stuff with and possible get through the shame and pain of my abuse. but yet then she got scared and ran from me emotionally. then she decided she could not handle me and that inside me and so she backed away and detached herself. Well now I just feel abandoned. She may not have physically abandoned me but yet she has emotionally abandoned me and left me alone. Now she is trying to push me to get someone else in my life that ill take me forever to get to that point where I may be able to trust them enough into knowing whats inside me and letting it out and working through it if that is even possible as it never really has fully been able to happen since something like this always seems to happen when I get to that edge. Either I run from it or when I am not running from it and feel trusting enough to let someone walk along the journey with me and help me through the darkness into the light they seem to run from it. Well there I am still stuck and never feeling as if I will ever get through any of it. Maybe I just need to escape it permanently. Maybe there is no point in continuing on. Maybe there si no reason left for me to try anymore. Maybe I need to let go of life and the burden of believing things will get better and stop being disappointed with i never getting better. Maybe I need to do something to finalize my life.
- Enragement ends in confliction and leaves me confused (mylifeofavoidance.wordpress.com)
- Abandonment (gratefulmember.com)
- Turning a Blind-Eye to Truth (truthaboutuniversalmedicine.com)