irritation of this week and life

This week has been especially difficult for me. The past 2 days have been very overwelming. With moving downstairs and the place not being ready and having to go between the 2 apartment has been very difficult for me. I have been overly irritable and angry this week. I am on the verge of a breakdown. I am not sure I will be able to continue like this without getting to a point where I need to do something to help with my anger. I have been snappy with my son which is upsetting to me as I do not like to be this way towards him. But on the other side of this he gets up in the afternoon and starts playing his games and computer knowing there is so much to do. We still have everything upstairs besides the furniture. the apartment down here has no bathroom setup yet as thye are still finishing it and have to put the tub, shower, and toilet back in it. The dishwasher still has to be hooked up and in working order slthough I did not have one upstairs. The refridge seems to not be very cool and it is all the way up. So I am unsure if omething is wrong with it or not. I hope I do not lose all my food. My mental health support worker is on vacation. My boyfriend has been fucking off and not wanting to help until I give him ultimatums. Now he is gone and wont be back until monday probably. I am frustrated with everything and just want to say fuck it but we have half the shit upstairs and half down here. I had to run my cable from upstairs to downstairs atleast until someone rents upstairs because the cable company wanted $35 to switch it over down here and I do not have anymore money as I had to pay the bills ad fees to switch over the rest of the utilities. I am so frustrated with this whole thing. It is aggravating and I want to cut. I want a release of all this stress. I do not want to continue facing this all. But I made a commitment to my worker that everything would be okay while she was gone although how much does my son have to suffer through my frustrations and inability to use my cutting as a way of managing all the stressfull and overwelming chaos happening in my life. The anger is just too much. I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum last night and told him to leave as there is no point in having a relationship with someone who puts everyone else before me and then claims it his job. Well then he does not have time for a relationship and needs to stop comign here just to eat at 9 at night, then sleep, then gets up and showers, wants sex, and goes back to sleep. Then he gets up in the morning and leaves again. Cannot seem to follow through on anythng he tells me he will do for me such as stopping by his uncles which is a quarter mile up the street from his house and bringing a burn barrel, bringing a chain saw here to my house so I can cut down some of these obnoxious trees and branches, bringing toilet paper, and stopping by the farm house about 3 miles from his house to pick up the new living room set he was given and gave to me for the new apartment. He always has an excuse or forgets. He always claims it is not his drinking he only had a beer or 2 but yet then talks about the moonshine his cousin gave him a shot of and I continue to deal with his lies and uncare for me and him putting his friends and drinking before me. I am sick of it. But yet seem to not be able to get rid of him. I seem to be unable to stop him from coming over. When I told him to leave last night if he was deciding that everything else was more important he stood there then said well I will see if I can get the weekend off. But yet then ignored me when I asked him what he was doing this weekend and he walked off. It gets tiring. I am tired of being last on everyones list. I am tired of everyone else coming beofre me in life with everyone, my son, my boyfriend, my friends, and my family. I am tired of meaning nothign to anyone and feeling as if there is no point to anything in life and meaning nothing to anyone. I am tired of being a piece of ass for my boyfriend and every other man who acts is if that is all I am good enough for. I am tired of meaning nothing to anyone and not mattering to anyone. I ma tired of life. I want my life to end.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s