So it is only Monday a holiday and the move is coming. I am extremely stressed already and not wanting to move now. I hate living here and living in this apartment but yet I do not want to move. I am spazzing out already and my worker just started her vacation. I flipped out on my son out of the clear blue because of this heat and feeling he is all about himself regarding air conditioning and does not help in the house ever. It is frustrating to have him here and be unable to get him to help me do anything even when I give him all week to get it done. We are supposed to moving downstairs and I could not even get him to go through his own room to get it ready to be moved. I always feel as if I am fightening a battle that never can be won. i get tired of being the only one to do anything in the house but yet not the only one making the messes as he has him and his friends coming over using up whatever they want in the house and doing what they want whenever they want without any care to who has to do the cleaning up after him and his buddies who act is if they live here and just cook whatever whenever. Then when there is soemthing wrong my son claims he did not see it. Well of course you wll not see what is happening in the kitchen if your attention is all caught up in games on the video game system and computer. You friend walks out of the room and you sit there still absorbed by games of course you do not know what is happening outside the room but if you went out the room yourself and supervised or you did the cooking then you would know what was happening out in the kitchen. I cannot even get him to clean his own room but yet he will leave it a complete mess and I get tired of it. He uses the bathroom more than I do along wth the kitchen but yet I cannot get him to do anything including rinse his dishes off and piling them up neatly next to the sink. Instead he just tosses them in the sink. He lets the trash fill until it is piled over and then will let it continue until i say something to him. He wont help by sweeping floors or folding his clothes instead his clothes get thrown on the floor or chair and sit there. He then picks from the pile what he wants to wear.

I said somethings to him I should not have said. I told him i did not even want to live him him anymore I was tired of him acting as if I am his slave and to top it all he stayed at my brothers the whole month last month because the internet was turned off and said he was not coming home until it came back on. So it seems to me the only reason he is living wiht me is because he gets more game time here and can spend his life wasting away on the video games and not do anything in the house except play games, eat, sleep, and shower. He has no responsibilities and I get so tired of it. I get tired of doing it all and so I end up just letting it stay dirty. I do the minimal to get by, the dishes when there are none left, the floors about once a month, and the bathroom here and there. The house just is no longer a priority for me and it makes me sick and miserable to see myself and him living this way but I cannot motivate to do it as I feel it is always too much and I am never motivated to do anything anymore. i have lost all need for everything to be spotless and in its place. I have lost all care just as I did when I had my other 4 kids living with me and my exhusband. I just could not do anything anymore and I feel that way not. It just overwelms me and gets me frustrated.

My worker is not even half way through her vacation and I am already unable to control my distress and manage my emotions enough to not get so overwelmed and snap as I did a few minutes ago. Though right after i said all the stuff I regreted it and felt guilty and knew I should not have said them, it is kind of too late since I cannot take it back. Yes I can say I did not mean to hurt him and all that but what i said was how I feel i just should not have said it to him as those things stick with him and almost any child.  I wish I had not said it to him and just had shut my mouth.


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