So here it is the dread of the first day of my workers vacation. She will be back in just a week and in the past I have been able to be okay when she went on vacation and so I will be this time also. It just feels different this time. There has been so much happening over the past 4-6 weeks where alot of my abandonment issues have been front and center instead of just in the background of everything else in my life.
My fear of abandonment stems from my upbringing in a system and a family that had little to no regard for the effect they would have on me by being in and out of my life, physically and emotionally, so easily without caring how I felt or what I needed as a child and adolescent.
Most of my childhood was spent in residential programs for children and adolescence but I lived at home parts of the first 15 years of my life. I was at home with my parents until I was about 6 years old where I was placed in foster care. It was around this time that my parents split and went there seperate ways including my father moving away ad not seeing him. Then there was the foster home which I do not have many memories of but do have some very fond memories but also have some memories of mistreatment there. They did not want us, my brother and I, though they had something like 12 kids in the house they claimed us to be too much, they had all 4 of my mothers children in their home. But then they no longer wanted me and I ended up in a residential home as an emergency placement, it was supposed to be 10-14 days until they could find me another home, foster home that is but they never did. I was almost 7 when I was placed there and very scared which quickly turned to me being very angry and though I was the youngest child at the time there on my floor out of the girls I became a very aggressive child.
It was this place where I first believe I felt fear of abandonment. It was this place where I experienced many fake people in my life and learned that no matter what I felt and how much I learned to trust adults they were not trustworthy and did not truly care. There were many adults there running the place that would allow you to become attached promising you they would be there to help you and claiming they cared. but yet when it all came down to it, it truly was them against you and you are on your own in life. You begin to trust them and then they violated that trust by telling other staff what you told them and claiming they had to because if others did not know what was going on with you then they could not help.