And so I sit here trying to figure it all out. Trying to recognize why I am so angry about this all. I wonder why it is that some people cannot see and refuse to recognize their choices effect their children. Or as myself they could recognize and see that what is going on is effecting their children but yet still feel everything they do is wrong and ends up not doing anything.
There was many times when things that went on in my house should not have happened. There were times when my children witnessed the domestic abuse that went on regularly. There were also several times when I took my children and left the housing never wanting to go back because I knew the effects the domestic abuse would have on my children. But yet I went back time after time. If only I had felt strong enough and had enough self confidence to believe in myself and see that I could be a great parent without him.
I had my ups and downs in my parenting there were times I was overwelmed and unsure what to do. There were times when I needed a break and asked someone for help in taking care of the childrens needs since my ex-husband did not do his share of things in the house or with the children. Then there was the majority of the time when things were too much where I just gave up and stopped trying. I just let the house get destroyed and allowed the kids to do what they wanted within the realms of them not harming themselves. There were many times I wished things were different but I never not wannted my children nor did I pretend to want them but want to party and put my own self before my children. Never did I care about money and possessions more than my children. Never did I tell my children they were going to get beat. I never wanted my children to fear me. I wanted my children to know they were loved and cared about deeply.
There were fights and arguments over all these things as my ex husband critisized my oldest child who was not his. He also used threats and on very rare occasions though they did occur he hit my children. When these things happened we fought over it. We fought over just about everything. I am not sure there was a day that went by without some sort of argument as they were just a part of our regular life then. My children did not need to see that. They did not need to be standing there as we swapped fists and vulgarities and though I knew the effects this was going to have on the childrens life I still had not enough confidence in myself to leave for good.
It was my lack of confidence and motivation that made me lose my rights to the chidlren. I lost my parental rights not because of the concern of my ability to provide them with care but because of my inability to cope with the emotional distress caused from losing them. It was because of my inability to emotionally shut off the pain. It was my lack of motivation to do anything about anything and just hope it would change that helped in my losing my parental rights to the children.
If I could just have made up my mind and determined I was a great om and no one was going to prove me otherwise I would have gotten my children back But because I listened to the social workers and my therapist constantly tearing me down and then expecting me to rebuild I made choices to cope with things including the loss of the children in a unhealthy avoiding manner. i allowed the cycle that occured when I was a child to continue even though I had always said and always tried to enforce that my children would never go through what I did or witness some of the things I witnessed. My children witnessed more than I ever wanted them to witness and were traumatized more than I ever wish any child experience.
I now get angry that others in the world take children for granted and believe it is their right to treat them how they so desire without any care to how the child will be effected. I cared about what was happening in my home but felt stuck and incapable of doing anything about it. I cared about my children enough not to tell them to keep their mouths shut. I always told them to be honest. I never taught my children that keeping secrets was good. I never put myself before my children when they were unable to care for their own needs nor did I feel it was okay for me to abuse and neglect my children. I was consistantly talking with others in my life about wanting things to change and knowing things for unhealthy for the children and wishing there were a way out where the kids did not have to suffer.
I see others not caring what effect their behaviors or choices or the way the react to their children has on their childrens future. instead these people are self absorbed and in denial about their behaviors and continue to make excuses and do nothing to change what is happening. This angers me as I cared more about my children then it seems these people care about their kids and I do not have mine.
It also angers me when these peopledo not recognize the effect of not caring has on their childs future and believe they are great parents and make sure their childrne know they are loved regularly. You cannot love a child then hurt them mentally, physically, and emotionally just because that is what happened to you and expect the children not to have issues from that.
Growing up my mom told me she loved me but yet she also regularly abused me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I never held onto her supposed love for me but the linger effects of her mental and emotional abuse has held me imprisoned within myself. The effects of her abusing me and loving me supposedly has taken its toll. It left me with confusion surrounding love. For the longest time in my marriage that same way of loving me was my prison as I believed I was in love and he loved me. I believed it was better for my children to have 2 parents then to have 1 as my father was never there for us kids and my mother showed love by beating me and calling me names and degrading me. She showed me love was supposed to hurt. Now I hate it when people say they love me as I am unsure what is next. When will they hurt me. Now I question people who claim to care about me. I know when they care it is time for me to let them go as alls that is coming is the hurt or their proving they truly do not care and are just a fake.
I get afraid of letting people near me and close to me. i have been hurt too many times by people who were supposed to care and did not or by people who claimed to care but yet then walked away from me or gave up on me. i am damaged beyond repair in these aspects of life. I am not fixable and will always run from people who claim to care as I cannot escape my past. I will continue to try to protct the children that are neglected and abused. I will continue to try to change the world as long as I stay in this world. maybe this is why I need to leave this world. Maybe this is why I need to commit suicide. Maybe this is why I need to stay alone and have no one in my life so that I can be like everyone else in this world and turns a blind eye to children and their pain. Maybe instead of trying to change the world I need to change myself and see that I need to be cold and not care just as the rest of the world does. Maybe I need to go away and pretend nothing is wrong and allow these children all to end up eeling the way I feel at 31 years of age.
Well I am unsure of what needs to happen to help people understand the effects they have on society and the future generation. Maybe killing myself will help people see and understand the pain the children have when they grow up in a household and with a system such as the system we have and by people just sitting back and doing nothing to help things change or to make things better for these kids today they are only help breed the next generation of broken people like myself. They are not helping change the world by sitting there and doing nothing but expecting things to change on their own.