Why is it when people work in the system they always seem to walk away whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. They walk away physically more often then mentally and emotionally. But once they walk away physically the mental and emotional parts of them are gone also. But when they emotionally walk away and are still physically there it is hurtful and painful. I believe it is even more damaging, atleast for me it is for someone to stand there and stay around in my life but yet to be emotional distanced and detached. They always seem to use the “bounderies” aspect of things to do this and then eventually there is nothing left. Once the bounderies are started and put in place it just keeps going to more and more extreme distancing.
The distancing created by what they call so called “bounderies” messes me up and makes me realize that it is just a job and that is why they claim to care. They claim to care because they are paid to care. They do not care for me truly. They do not care for me because I am someone they chose to care about and want in their life. Yeah, they say they choose who their clients are and that if they did not want me as a client then they would not have me as a client, but it is still not the same for me. I never have truly found anyone who cared about me really or stuck around for a lifetime.
People in the system tend to make false promises alot just to get you to trust them and then once you let them in and begin trusting them or get attached they distance themselves and detach. They claim it to be “bounderies” and that they are doing for your best interest and that you still matter and they still care for you just as much as they have in the past but yet it never feels that way. It always seem to feel as if they are abandoning you. It always turns out they abandon you. First comes the “bounderies” or emotional abandonment then comes the physical abandonment. it is a regular pattern in my life and seems to happen the same way with people in the system and who are treatment providers.
So then why do I not learn from that? Why is it I continually seek their approval and love? Why is it I keep allowing people in my ife like this and then let this happen to me? I keep allowing mysself to repeatedly be hurt and abandoned. But yet each time the next person I get involved with is able to break my walls down further and end up earning trust they never were meant to earn. My walls are supposed to thicker and less easy for them to get through but yet it seems they are easier for them to break. I try hard to build them up higher and more sturdy but yet they break them down even that is not my intention to allow them through. My abandonment issues cause me to attach and hold on but yet are repeatedly abandoned.