I have so much running through my mind especially with the response I have received from you regarding this crisis I have placed myself in this week. I am hurt and also question myself regarding the truth of the love you have supposedly for me as you oldest daughter and child. It hurts me that you are always helping Gene and Heather out whether they place their problems upon themselves or not you are always fixing it for them. You do not sit there telling them how you will take their children even when they do drugs, physically fight, or cause themselves to have nothing. I feel you treat Heather more as your child than you have ever treated me as your child and she is of no blood to you But yet I am supposedly your daughter and feel as if she comes before me and is treated with more care and love than I have ever been. There are many times I even question the validity of your love and care for me.
There are questions I have had for many years and feel as if they are not answered by you. I also feel you do not take full or any responsibility for your actions towards me as a child and teenager. You either deny them or minimize them. You do not apologize for the beatings you gave me including the kicks to me as I coward on the floor in the kitchen when we lived on pilling street or the punches you gave to me many times during them 4 years I was home with you as a teenager while your boyfriend also used me as his sexual needs and desires to be his toy for lack of a better word. Then for you to not believe me and for you to continue secretly seeing him and having my son around him for many years later. You also then tried to bring my son Dakoata to a cookout and not invite me because he was going to be there so instead you chose him over me again. You have told me you do not feel you have anything to apologize for but the way I feel and the hurt I experience from your emotional abandonment and mental and physical abuse has damaged me for the remainder of my life and you do not even try to be sorry about it but minimize it, justify it, and deny it.
Another thing that really weighs on my mind is the fact that David McGlew supposedly molested you as a teenager but then why did you allow him around your own children including me and he stole my innocence. If you had already experienced it yourself from him then why the hell place your own child in that situation. In a way it feels as if it is somewhat your fault since you knew he was a pedophile and allowed him around us and alone with us. You can claim you were working and had to and that my supposed father was in charge but how could he be in charge of us when alls he was ever doing was getting high. You could have been a mom to us and protected us but did not. How come? How is it you placed me in that situation?
Do you really not know who my father is? Are you afraid to find out the truth? Why is it that no one is honest or willing to find the truth out? Are you hiding more than that? Why is it my whole life has been so secretive and I can never get any truth or real answers? Did the incident with the cat talking to you while laying on your stomach with me in it ever really truly happen? I have tried to research the newspapers both in the Haverhill Library and online and have never found any pictures of a little girl with a cat on the front page of the newspaper and the families house had been caught on fire a couple weeks after you guys got rid of it because it talked to you and told you the devil was going to possess my soul. Did you and my I don’t know if he’s really my father truly elevate off the bed and my cradle rock back and forth by it self? Where you both on drugs at any point during that time?
Why is it I fucked up and you don’t care enough to try and help me fix things but yet talk about taking my son from me if you have to claiming you really don’t want to but will? Why is it I am not good enough for you to help when I fuck up like I just have when it is not something that happens to me on a constant basis but instead I have to struggle and worry about losing my place to live and utilities and then will be unable to have my son with me but yet you continue taking care of Heather and Gene? Don’t you think I lost enough through this? I ended up in cardiac icu for 24 hours then icu for another 24 hours then fuck up my whole finances and have no way of paying anything and to top it all off sold my sons TV and my iPod I just got. I am left at the bottom with nothing and no one besides my mental health worker who seems to care about me more than you have ever. Don’t you realize how hurt I feel that you are not even offering any help to me but yet would jump in a heart beat for Gene and Heather including your most recent help you gave her by paying for her place to live. If you want my son that is fine! He will turn 18 soon and I will then not have to worry about if I mess up you will hang him in front of me as a pawn. He is 16 and has a right to make a choice of where he wants to be no matter what you think or say about me not caring for him recently or me being mentally unstable. I did what needed to be done. I fucked up and knew I needed to make sure Corey was okay and that is why I asked James to take him for a bit. I could have kept him at the house and pretended everything was okay but I did not instead I wanted to protect Corey. It is okay for me to need help and ask for help. It should not mean that because I temporarily need help for a few weeks until I get this all back on track that I am a piece of dirt.
I am not Gene! I have not manipulated you. I have not stolen from you. I have not committed crime after crime and still keep getting from you an attitude of its ok. You continue to let him fuck up and then do everything to fix it for him but yet don’t even offer to help me. I am hurt and it is painful and hard for me to say this too you as I have always feared what you would do to me or that you would abandonment which you have done many times in my life. But I am seeking the truth. I am seeking answers from you. I want to know why you do not love or care about me as a mother should love and care about her oldest daughter and child! I want the truth about my childhood and why you always treated me like dirt and as if I was unwanted. I want the truth and not excuses. I was your daughter not anyone else’s and I felt the brunt of your anger. I want to know why?
If you want my son that is ok! I will be ok! I have always survived without you and I can survive without you in my life. Until you decide to be my MOM and not treat me as dirt and an outcast I see no point in trying to keep pretending that I love you and want to have a relationship with you! You are more Heather’s MOM than you have been mine! I would like a response with some answers and truth. I do not want excuses from you anymore and if you can not do that and want to continue in your fantasies that you were a good MOM to me then I wish you the best and am letting you know now not to expect me to be calling or answering your phone calls anymore!
Have a nice Fairytale Life in your denial and Fantasy World… BYE and GOOD RIDDENCE