>My time is coming and people claim they care but do I really matter? Why would they care? Why should they care? Why do they care if they really do?
All the people i have met in my life and all the friends I have made throughout the years where are they? where were they when I needed them? where are they now that I am alone and needed people here for me to help me make it through to get me out of this dark hole that seems as if it has no bottom.
My dark hole will end soon when my life ends. When I am gone. Then will people ten come out of the wood work and claim they cared that they were here for me that I mattered to them. That my kids mattered to them as much as the other kids in their lives? They will all say they tried to love me, they tried to help me, they tried to care about me…But did they really? Did they make the thoughts stop? Did they help me end my pain? Did they try to help me get my kids back truly or did they only care about themselves and their lives including their jobs and just pretended to try to help me get my kids back. Was anyone really truly on my side when I was fighting a losing battle against a system that stigmatized me and consistantly and constantly provoked my symptoms to flare up. No one helped they only coaxed me into the obyss which ended in the loss of my children, te loss of my life.
one of my workers seems to have accepted the fact that i plan on attempting to take my lif soon and hope to succeed at the taking of my life althoulgh she wishes I would not and i woulkd find reason and meaning with life. She sees something in me that is not there but yet she cannot understand that all hope is gone.
My therapist seems to be taunting me into attempting to take my own life and hoping i fail so she can say see I told you so. As she has told me a few times overthe past couple sessions that I have tried in the past and told her many times before that I wanted to die and plan on killing myself and instead I have failed so why should she believe me this time. In a way it angers me that I have been seeing her for 4 years and she is the one I feel does not care the most. She is the one I feel appears the least concerned about my depressiona dn thinking and is being more of a pill pusher than the psychiatrist has been to me. She thinks pills will magically make me feel somewhat better and then that therapy will fix the rest but yet I have been in therapy since i was 4 years old and never been able to open pandoras box up and let my secrets have a voice to them and tell another human being about the shame i have inside and the shame i feel regarding my daughters violation. I can write about some of it which puts words to it but I cannot put a voice to it. I cannot face someone and speak of the dirtiness I was and still feel or the thoughts that run through my mind regarding why.
Then there is my family who has always pretended to care and love me on the surface but yet has damaged me the most by their lies, denial, hurtfulness, hatefullness, abuse, and lack of care and concern for me and my needs in life. They know none of what is happening with me nor do I want to them to know. They will find out when I do what I am goign to do and my plan is put into action. They then will have full control of my son again and I will not be there to interfere in their ways of raising him in which has never helped him but yet they insist that there way is the way he needs to be raised and he needs to be miserable all his life just because they want to control peoples happiness and misery just as they helped control my msiery my whole life until finally I had no happiness left inside for them to take.
Then there are people who claim to be friends of mine who put contingencies on me and the friendship so I feel I cannot truly reveal myself nor my real plans of suicide to them as they may just walk away from me before I do it and truly show me how much I never really mattered and they did not really care about me but only tried to brainwash me into their cultish ways as they do their own children and manipulate their own minds into believing their maniplations as truths. Reminds me so much of y husband who was manipulative, brainwashing, controlling, and abusive. Then the other people who claimed to be friends of mine through out my life who just disappeared on me and no longer responded to me when I called them and left messages checking on them. After all the things I tried to do for people to help them have better lives as I knew my life was not worth anything but maybe, just maybe their lives were worth something. Their lives were worth my effort, time, and help I offered and extended. i only wanted friendship or maybe not even friendship but just people to talk to once in a while who remebered me for the little stuff not for the craziness i do to impress people or make people like me because i feel no one does and it seems when i do them things they end up liking me until my craziness and trying to impress them with my wacky will crazi behavior turns into the real me. the depressed, lonely hopless no good person I am and everyone disappears. they all hae walked away from me. always ahve and always will I guess.