Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

>It is hard for me to pick a specific person in my life who treated me like shit and made my life HELL since I believe it was a combination of so many people treating me like shit that made my life HELL. But I guess I will write about specific situations that specific people did to treat me like shit that made my life difficult and a living HELL to this day.

I will say though that I have probably been the one who has treated myself more like shit than anyone else has ever done to me. Well that is hard to weigh on a scale but I have not treated myself very good and made my own life worse than it would have been if I just nurtured myself and cared about myself more than I had and do. I have made my life more of a living HELL over the past few years than it should have been.

Growing up in a system where people come and go taught me that adults really did not care and could not be trusted to provide me with nurturance and were only going to leave me. This is where my abandonment issues come from. This very system also ripped me from my family, my parents and siblings and seperated us into different places. I went to residential where I learned to be an aggressive angry person. I do not like aggression but that was all I knew back then. That was how I knew to express myself as there were many adults there trying to control everything. To me the system treated me like shit and made my life back then a living hell.

Then there is my abusers. The sexual abusers who took my trust in people and the world away and I still have been unable to regain this fully. They also made me feel dirty. I feel there is something wrong with me sexually and I cringe just thinking of myself as a sexually being. Their treatment of me as a sex figure for them and to satisfy their sexual desires now has caused me to feel as if that is the only thing I am good for in a mans life. I feel empty most of the time and feel worthless. I feel as if my life is not my own. They stol my life and made my life a living HELL from a very early age.

The physical mental and emotional abuser that treated me like shit and made my life a living hell lives in a state of denial as to how she affected me and my life. It is difficult for me to continue a relationship and not rehash every hurtful word she ever told me. But yet her words echo in my mind many times throughout my life as I fight life each day and strive to overcome her downgrades and the living Hell I live in because the words she spoke to me on the occasions she said them to me. They stuck more than than anything else since I barely remember anything else besides the hurtful things she said and did to me in my life. Though I know she was the one who fought the state to get us out of the system for many years while my sperm donor moved on abandoning us to have more kids and another family.

Still there is more but I have had enough negativity in this regarding my life of Hell and do not wish to speak of anymore of the people who treat me like shit right now and who make my life HELL.

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One thought on “Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

  1. I also was very hard on myself, it was hard to be kind to myself. It is possible to learn how to be kind to yourself, I did, it takes a lot of work to get past the teachings our abusive parents taught us that we don’t deserve kindness, I know this. I read from a book of affirmations an affirmation daily.

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