>I guess I should be able to say there are alot of people in my life who have given me hope and made my life more worth living but I cannot. There were times in my life where i felt my life was worth living more than other times but I am not really sure there have been many times I have truly felt my life has been fully worth living.
Growing up as a child I did not really know much of things in life that I experience were abnormal even though I was taking from my parents and placed in foster care briefly. I then was placed in a residential home where I was surounded by many other abused and very angry children and adolescents much like myself. Some more angry and some less angry. Some more compliant and some less compliant. Although maybe not so. I may have been the worst child there as it seems that almost everyone that was there when I came left before I did and the ones that came after I did also left before I did. I also did not go home because i earned my way out by behaving and doing what I needed to do to get home after my mother regained custody back years later. I went home at almost 12 years old because they wanted me medicated with medications my mother did not want me on and they said they could do no more for me as i was out of control. So my mother took me home. I was there from right before I turned 7 years old until I was almost 12 years old.
Then at 15 I began self harming and suicidal after the birth of my 1st child and lived in residential after my 1st hospitalization when he was 6 weeks old and he lived with my my mother. I stayed in residential until i aged out of the child and adolescent system at the age of 19.
When I left there i went into an adult group home and left 2 weeks later and stayed homeless and went in and out of hospitals for trying to kill myself and self injury. I was hopeless and my life was not worth living and I wanted to die. I felt there was no point to living and life sucked.
In May 2000, I fond out i was pregnat with my second child. That gave me hope I then felt I had purpose and I felt my life was worth living. That was short lived. Well not that short lived as it lasted 5 years and a marriage and 3 more children until my children were taken and I knew I would never get thjem back as my mental helath deteriated once they were taken from me and my husband. I fought for them for 18 months but that day they were taken I knew it was over my life was gone and not worth living any more. During those 5 years I had been in the hospital 1 time ofr feeling suicial about 3 years before that and once for self injury. I had that May 2000 decided when I found I was pregnant with that 1st child of my 4 youngest that I had reason to live and no longer needed to rely on my hopeless feelings and behaviors to cope with my negative feelings and all those feelinsg came rushing back once they were taken from me and I had no reason to control my urges or thoughts to escape and avoid feeling empotional pain anymore.
Now I feel I have no one who makes my life wort living for anymore. Who once made me feel there was a reason to keep going are gone and I no longer matter.