Letter to My Baby Girl Winter Rose

>Letter to my youngest child
June 10, 2009
Winter
Each day that passes as you grow I wonder how you are. I have wondered about you for a while now and wish I was with you as you grew. I know that you were very young when all this separation occurred. I feel guilty for not spending more time with you. When you were born there were many things happening and there was so much chaos happening in our family. Dakoata was soon to turn 1 year and Autumn and Daniel returned home from foster care when you were 9 days old. During the transition for them to come home from foster there were many things going on and your father and I just had never been able to get along. I feel ashamed for not giving you the time as I was able to give to the other kids and I apologize for not giving you what you deserved and needed. You were a great baby although you just could not handle all that was happening around you. Deep inside it hurts me to know I was unable to care for you the way you needed and to keep things calm around you in order for you to develop and grow as you needed. I am sorry I was unable to be the mom you needed. Since that day that I lost you I have had many regrets for those 11 months we were together. There were many struggles and I know you need more than what I was able to give you. I can not take any of what happened back and I know you do not even know me as your mother. I never deserved to have children and sometimes wish I ad listened to others when they told me not to have anymore that the ones I had was enough. I do not regret having you. You are such a beautiful girl and I wish the best for all of you in the future. I only hope that your life is happy and full of joy as you grow. Things have not been easy for me and at times it has seemed somewhat bearable since losing you. But deep down is this emptiness and sorrow that can never be filled as hard as I try to lesson the pain I have I am still hurting. I know things are better for you without me and wish that you were old enough for me to explain all this to you when we parted our lives and went our separate ways. I still see your smile from time to time as you learn each new thing. I am sorry I had to give you a poor start to life which at this time is such a precious thing for you to have. I wish I could say the same for my life but I know your life is deserved. I wish you all the best in the future and want for things to be normal for you as you grow and with each new day steps closer to your goals and dreams that you may have or will some day have. You are a tough little girl and I love you so much. I want you to know and someday understand that the path I am taking is not the path I want for any of you kids. I never want for you to hurt and even think about doing anything that I am doing. I want for you kids to follow your dreams and enjoy life. It is too late for me but it is not too late for all of you. Keep those smiles on your faces and stay strong. Know in your heart I loved you so much and just could not handle being here without all of you. It has torn me and caused me heartache being separated from you and fearing never seeing any of you again. None of this is any of your faults as I have a hard time facing life and all that comes with it. I am not doing this to cause any of you hurt or sorrow but to give you all finality in your lives knowing I am not out here looking and waiting for you. I love you and your sister and brothers and wish you all the best.
Love you Always,
Mom

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