Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

>after really thinking about this for a while I have realized there is really nothing in life that I believe I hope I never have to do as everything in life that I would have not wanted to do I have had to do. I have lost all that I could have wanted. I have been at bottom. I have never been at top. I have lost all I could lose. I have taken from me all that I could have wanted. There is nothing else in life that can be taken from me. There is no decisions I can make that I can make mistakes that i will regret as much as the decisions i have made already that I regret.

I do not want ot make a decision to live as my decision has been made that I want to die. I do not want to make a choice whether to get treatment for a terminal illness as I want to commit suicide. I do not want to decide whether my kids will come find me when they get older as I fear they are being lied to as they are growing up with their adoptive families and being lied to and told they were not loved or cared about by me. I believe they are being told I hated them and abused them. When the problem is that I hated myself and life and could not stabilize my mental health enough to get them back but I never hit them, yelled at them, nor did I discipline them…so yes I neglected them. But I loved them. I wanted more for them than what I had growing up and did not know how to give them that without doing the complete opposite of what I got. But I told them how much they were loved and how they were smart and loved. But I did not provide the discipline nor did I provide the housing clenliness or parenting they needed as my husband and I never could get along and constantly fought. Fear they will never know the truth that they were loved by me.


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