Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

>There are many things I hate about myself. I am not really sure there truly is anything I honestly like about myself. But I guess since this does not say some things and says something I will have to choose to write about just a single thing I hate about myself. So here goes…

I hate that I am scarred. There are very few places I can look at on my body that does not have a self induced scar on it. I am ashamed of my scarring I have caused myself but yet still am unable to take hold of the continuous self destructive pattern that leaves the scars upon my body. I have tried to minimize them and also have tried to use whatever I could to lighten them but to no avail. They will never go away. They remind of the pain I endured and what has caused me to cause harm to myself. They also remind me that there is an option for me to induce more scarring upon myself if I am too distressed and unable to face my emotional pain.

My scars remind me of how much I have destroyed myself and my childrens lives by being unable to cope with my pain and the fear I felt when there was the unknown. My scars remind me of what became my life while fighting for my angels. Instead of truly fighting for my children I instead needed to escape and be cowardly. I was weak and unable to endure the fear of the unknown which was the decision whether or not what i did was good enough to get my kids back or not. The not knowing was what I tried to escape when I needed to avoid the pain I felt in my life.

My scars remind me of how weak I was and still am when it comes to self control and my ability to handle emotional pain. My scars remind of how disgusting my bodie looks and makes me more self conscious than I was before I caused my body to be covered in a secret code of pain inflicted upon myself. The self infliction of cuts upon my body lets me know how worthless I am and was. I hate the many scars that tell the story or my pain without words!!!

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2 thoughts on “Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

  1. >I like my scars, they tell a story. And I guess I've always had this sort of prideful idea that they make me…better? I don't know if that's the word…I do see where you are coming from though. I've never really looked at it like that. I really do hope you start to feel better! And hopefully you won't always see your scars with such a negative conotation <3Hang in there, love.-Becky

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  2. >Hopefully someday you can see your scars like Becky… in a positive light… as a story of the past… a valiant testimony to the depth of pain you overcame… or maybe a rememberance of the suffering that God delivered you from.Hang in there, keep pressing on and remember that "the LORD sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." As always… praying for you!

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