>I am no good I have always been only wanted for sexual pleasure to others no matter what I feel

>“Prostitution describes the act of sexual intercourse in exchange for money. However, its definition may be extended loosely to include any sexual act for any type of compensation.”

I have struggle with this for so long. When I was younger I participated in sex and sexual activities with many different grown men. From a young age I could very much be considered a prostitute as I was paid by grown men small amounts of money and gifts. I also received special treatment and protection for sexual acts with my mothers boyfriend who was also my fathers brother. He was the main man that paid me to have sex with him repeatedly from the ages 12-16 when I finally told someone. although I had also had sex with strangers who I did not know before him in the local park, under bridges, and behind buildings. I looked for the attention from men and used my body as a way to be loved and cared for even though I did not know them. They would buy me cigarrettes or give me a few dollars but not more than $10.

The very first time I could have been considered a prostitute was when my fathers other brother not the one my mother dated molested me at the ages of 4-6 years old and gave me dimes to put my mouth on his penis. Back then I did not know it was wrong so maybe that was not really prostitution but when I was 12 and his other brother who was my mothers boyfriend began to touch me and offered me money and cigarrettes I knew what he was doing to my body was wrong but I also was afraid. I somewhat liked the attention i received from him. I also like how he would protect me from my mother when he could as she physically aggressively abused me.

There were times when I did not enjoy it or did not want it. I pretended to be sleeping many times and he still did things and got his pleasure out of me. There were times when I wanted it. There were also times when I did not want it but just gave in because he would not leave me alone and I felt stuck and trapped. I was very confused during those years as alls I was looking for was to be loved and I wanted someone to care about me no matter what I had to do to get them to show me love and really care about me. There were many times I layed there and spaced out after the first few minutes of his sexual acts. There are many things I have blocked out from those days.

I recently had an experience now being 31 years old that a man offered me cash to have sex with him and I kept saying I did not do that. I continued to tell him I did not want to do it but continued to be pressured and began to do what he wanted. While starting to do this I had a hard time and stopped. I did not want to do it but he continued pressuring me and tried to force me to do more and have intercourse with him but finally stopped after my continued disinterest and my stopping the oral act. He then told a bunch of guys, that were at the place where this all happened in the bathroom at a supposed friends house, that I choked on his penis and other stuff about my genital parts. That same night one of the other men began grabbing my breasts and kept trying to rub between my legs. Finally I left and got away from the situation only after he told me how he was going to get in my pants and he wanted my body specifically he wanted my “pussy” and all sorts of derogatory sexual remarks about acts he was going to use me for. I did not receive any money for any of his violating behavior and did not want any money as I feel that would justify his behaviors just as I feel about my participation in the acts I was involved with for protection, money, and cigarettes as a teenager and young little girl. I sometimes, well almost all the time feel i was the one who was wrong because i accepted payement for the mens acts with me and I knew what they were doing to me was wrong and should not be happening but was not able to or did not want to tell anyone what was going on and expose the secrets we kept. All this reminded me of my younger years and brought up alot for me as I now believe I was a whore and still am. I believe I am destined to be a mans property to use my body the way they wish.

A few days after all this the man that was grabbing me and talking dirty to me came to my house and as we were talk he grabbed my breasts and then shoved his hand in my shorts. I continued to tell him to stop and knock it off. I told him to leave me alone but he did not he continued to fondle me. It kinda felt good like when I was a teenager and my mothers boyfriend did it to me but I did not want it. Because he would not stop right away i ebgan spacing out just as I did when I was younger. I feel so dirty. I feel violated. This man is someone I see alot as he lives near me and I have to pass his house before I get to my house there is no avoiding his house. Just as it was when I was young I feel trapped, alone, I kinda like someone wanting my body as I am ugly and disgusting and not many men do want anything to do with me. I am confused. it has brought up my child and teenage years and I am having difficulties with it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s